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It has been a TOUGH week. Last week I was back at work and sad, but coping fairly well. This week has been awful. I miss my mom so much.
And while my AH has dialed back his rage a ton over the last few months, and in the week or so surrounding my mom's death was kinder and more supportive than he's been in years, it didn't last long. I think part of my problem this week is that I feel like I'm mourning the loss of my mother as well as the loss of everything this relationship used to be and all the dreams my AH and I both had for our future. That's a lot to grieve at one time.
I feel like when the emotional abuse was at its worst, I felt like if the abuse would just ease up, I would be so much happier. And while it IS better, I am still so profoundly unhappy and unwilling to accept this as my life for the next 40 years. Sometimes I wonder what would have to happen for my feelings about the marriage to really change, and it's hard to imagine any scenario where I could live this way for the rest of my life.
Part of me feels like I've gotten pretty good at accepting on an intellectual level the reality of alcoholism, the fact that it's a disease, the fact that my AH is not the same person he was, the fact that I should have zero expectations, etc. I know that in my head, but this week it's not keeping me from being angry as h$ll about it all. Totally enraged that something as positively dumb as alcohol has rendered my AH totally unable to even forego beer for two hours after work to spend time with me. It sucks, and it's not fair, and I deserve better. And our son and my daughters deserve better. I should be able to tell my husband "these are my emotional needs right now" and have that matter to him. But I can't and they don't, because of the alcohol.
I have accepted these things in my brain, for the most part. But it is much, much harder to accept them in my heart, because I feel like to accept them in my heart is to say "it's OK with me to live this way for the rest of my life" when it is most definitely NOT OK with me.
I hope you can dive into as many face to face meetings and read lots of Al-anon literature to keep yourself focused while you are grieving. Be gentle with yourself during this time! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Steph, I understand how you feel about accepting on an intellectual level the truth of the matter, but being unable to accept it in your heart. I have to keep reminding myself of the 3 A's- Awareness, Acceptance, Action. We do have a choice of Actions, and maybe that's where you are now.
They say that grief/loss is connected to all grief/loss you've experienced in the past. It is totally normal to be grieving 2 (or more!) things at one time. Maybe your grief over your mom's death (my condolences) opened up this channel within you. My AH was abusive, too, and there is a lot of lost hopes and pretty pictures of the future that I am grieving, too...you are not alone there.
I send you as much support as I can over the internet! You are worth it, you have so many blessings and good things coming to you.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I am so totally in the same place. My A is so self-righteous and manipulative. Went on a binge on Easter and when I confronted him, he first blamed it on the trigger of his parents divorce. and when he got all lovey for 30 secs monday morning (in his remorse) and I didn't reciprocate, now it's all my fault.
Am I seriously supposed to be supportive and encouraging 24 hrs a day, while I live in hell!!!
And powerless over the disease, yes. But powerless over my choices and who I spend time with and live with, I think not. My A is supposedly trying to get a grip, but he's doing it out of his own willpower and will maybe last a week. Am I supposed to be supportive and encouraging of this? The only reason he's even trying is because I've put up so many boundaries lately. He just doesn't want my reaction, i don't think he really wants help.
If I stay in this relationship, then it's because I make a conscious choice to live with, and apparently support, this disease. Hmmmmm....
I'm sorry for your pain. And I too find it almost impossible to refrain from insane anger. Going to meetings and reading literature helps. Reading these posts keeps me from feeling alone too. I like how I read somewhere that we have to learn what we will accept and what we won't.
Not sure if this was at all relevant or helpful. I just know where you are at. <<Hugs>>
I've seen it discussed here before, and for myself I know this was an issue. I had this sort of "I'm not allowed to be angry" thing going on for me for years. My counselor was funny, I'd be talking about some really difficult, stressful event and how I was irritated or angry about it and how I "knew" I just needed to get over it and stop being angry about it.
He'd kind of look at me and repeat the short version of what I said and then go "so you don't think it's reasonable to be angry about that?" and I'd think for a moment and go "well sure it is but...." and he'd say "but what?". Right!? Heck ya we can get angry, it's just about what we do with it. He has taught me to "sit with the feeling for a moment" and let it be OK.
I find the more I let my feelings be OK, the smaller they get. And it's easier to get over them if I allow them, vs stuffing them. They grow when I stuff them.
I understand the anger over the loss of dreams and I understand the anger at the loss being the result of something so seemingly benign. Hug yourself twice today, you are doing great with this - that's a lot to deal with at once.
At the moment I have walked away from my ABF as he is drinking. Grief is a very hard time and we need lots of love and support. I am learning in al anon and Coda that I have to learn how to love and care for me my Alcoholic is sick and can not suppoirt me. when he has been in recovery and working a programme it is different but when the disease has him he hates himself and everyone else he is empty has nothing to give. Today I am grieving he has dissapeared again. But I have my friends in Fellowship. I am reaching out what you are going through is so much worse the loss of a parent must be one of the hardest things to deal with. but you are not alone eve if your husband can not support you. Your HP will if you reach out to him.
take care of you be your own best friend at this difficult time. wrap the blanket of fellowship around you hugs tracy xxxx
Oh geez, Steph I totally understand. Ever since my dad died right before Christmas I have had ups and downs related to his death. And, then throw in the stuff I'm dealing with relating to my AH and my emotions went haywire. I am in a similar place: can I imagine myself doing this for the next 30 or so years? Even though he's sober, he's not healing spiritually and he's still negative and thinks the world is against him, etc so can I live like this? Most of the time I find that I just don't like to spend time with him, I don't even want to be in the same room with him! I have chosen to say that: Just for today, I choose to be married to Mr. Ilovedogs. Just for today, I will accept what my life is and make the best of it. And, just for today, I will do something FOR ME that involves no one else in the house, even if that means I will sit on the toilet and do my readings ALONE, LOL!
I know that your AH is actively drinking right now, but my AH is not. I thought his NOT drinking would fix 'some' of our problems, but actually it magnified many of them. He resents me going to Al Anon and he keeps trying drag me back into his destructive thinking and negative ways. Keep working your program, taking it one day at a time, and give yourself a big hug because you deserve it.
This is EXACTLY how I feel. Practically word for word!
"...it is much, much harder to accept them in my heart, because I feel like to accept them in my heart is to say "it's OK with me to live this way for the rest of my life" when it is most definitely NOT OK with me."
I'm still trying to figure out and decide IF I want to stay...is it worth it?
Stephanie, that as a pretty evolved post. If you think about the process of awarness, acceptance, and change... You are at least 2/3rds of the way there (having very good awareness and acceptance and now just pondering change). That is some amazing work to have even gotten this amount of perspective and clarity. I know you've been told this is a journey. I know your journey has been painful, but it is nice to see you growing and I just wanted to give you a kudos on that.
stephanie, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. I guess I don't have much to say because you know it. Reach out at face to face meetings I hope. Know that you are important and your HP loves you so much. I personally believe that your mother can hear your prayers, maybe I am not supposed to say that in al-anon.. my personal beliefs.. sorry if I offend. I am just so sorry for your loss. I know what it is like to grieve dreams and its hard but the loss your feeling with your mother. I don't know pain like that (yet :( ) I will keep you in my prayers for peace and love. Allow yourself to feel the anger, the sorrow.. just know that they are feelings. You are entitled to feel your feelings. Bottling them up won't help matters... but when you are ready you know you can release them, you can accept your HP's will for you. We can't see the big picture.. there is a saying about a big quilt.. how we can only see the back side.. looking up, its all frayed and pieces intersect that make no sense at all.. but our HPs can see the whole picture.. the beautiful picture that was pulled together on the other side.
-- Edited by Michelle814 on Sunday 15th of April 2012 10:47:28 AM
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
