NO expectations? - Al-Anon Family Group

bettyboop · Member

NO expectations?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know what literature you have if any .. there are daily readers that offer an index in the back. One of my favs is Courage to Change book they cost about 5$ or so and you can find them on amazon.com.

My def of expectation is not setting myself up for disappointment. If my AH says as an example he's coming over for easter and he doesn't show .. me expecting him to show up is setting both of us up. Setting me up for anger and disappointment (expectations are premeditated resentments) and setting him up to say see see see once again you've let us down. I can invite him for easter however he either is or is not going to show up the only control I have in the situation is how I choose to treat him the next time I see him or talk to him on the phone.

A boundary is a promise to myself for me about me. As an example I am no longer getting into long drawn out texting sessions with my AH .. I am trying to do as much as I can via email instead or on the phone. I have not told him this .. it's about me. I feel better doing this because of the craziness of the texting and how he chooses to respond. So when I get a text if it's about the kids, house, our relationship, or money I no longer respond. I haven't had to tell him this because he knows by my actions something has changed.

I don't know if that helps at all however this is my own def of what that means to me. Take what you like, .. hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Expectations are about things you can't control. Boundaries are about the things you can control. For instance: it's a Friday night. If you expect him not to get drunk, you will be disappointed. Because you can't control whether he gets drunk or not. However, you can set a boundary that if he gets drunk, you won't spend that time with him. That you can control.

Now, it's true that we may say, "But I should be able to expect him not to do outrageous things. I should be able to expect him not to get drunk and throw up all over my pillow." It's true that we should be able to expect that. But if we're with an alcoholic, we can't. All it does is set us up for disappointment, to expect that. The only expectation we can rely on is that if he's an alcoholic, he'll drink. But that doesn't mean we have to put up with the behavior. We can leave, either temporarily or permanently. That's the boundary we can draw. Because we do have control over ourselves.

bettyboop · Member

ok, so...If I expect him to come out of rehab and repair some of the things he has damaged, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

UGH! too much in my head...I can't write...

thanks for the responses...

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

sounds to me like you're getting it. of course, he might very well come out of rehab and repair some of the things he has damaged and wouldn't that be a pleasant surprise. Nice to see you bettyboop

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

Its about being your own person and allowing the alcoholic to be their own person. Setting expectations on how and what you want someone to be is actually trying to create the person you want, control the person to become/be what you want.. at least for me it was and I have to let it go. I will be let down 99.9% of the time because Ill always expect more and more and more because Im a perfectionist.. hahhaa. This is me talking about me. I cant speak for your situation.. just for mine.. I feel alot saner and happier when I allow my AH to just be. It is what it is. I can look at myself and see what needs to adjust and change in me so I can be happy and sane.. and he can worry about his own program.

My husband can only stay sober if he works his program of recovery, seeks to grow spiritually, keeps a relationship with his sponsor.. etc.. nothing I do or don't do can make that or keep that from happening.. but i can help him grow.. by stepping aside and letting him be an adult and to take care of himself. am I making sense? More importantly I can help myself grow.. by stepping out of my husband's business and program and stepping into my own life and program and building a relationship with the #1 most important thing, who above all has completely shown me miracles through me .. my higher power whom I still cant decide what to call "It".. God does not suffice but its a start. Haha.

We're here for you, bettyboop.. keep coming back.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have heard that expectations are future resentments in the making and boundaries are for us not for the A's. I hope you can dive into Al-anon face to face meetings and usually you can buy for cheap the 3 daily reader's " Courage to Change", "Hope for Today" and "ODAT". Also another great book is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It is a lot to take in at first, but as you become more aware, things start becoming more natural to understand and as you use the tools passed through the Al-anon people and literature things start to click. I am glad you found us at MIP. Keep coming back and taking care of yourself! Sending you love and support!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome BettyBoop

I believe that many of alanon concepts and practices take time and practice to understand and implement.

A new member to our program my find much of what they hear as confusing.

I would like to suggest that you use the time when your BF is in rehab to attend alanon face to face meetings and start your own recovery. Living with this disease creates havoc in the persons who live with the alcoholic. ;.

Listing of meetings can be obtained at By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Basic tools that help new members are:

Attend meetings, Keep an open mind, Keep it simple, Live one day at a Time, Do not project and Focus on yourself . Read alanon daily readers and find a belief in a Higher Power.

Using these tools will enrich your life and many other ideas will make sense.

After a time you will understand that having expectations of others often leads to misunderstanding.

If we focus our expectations on ourselves (the only one we are responsible for) then we can live constuctive lives.

Keep coming back You are worth it.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie -- your explanation is SO HELPFUL.

Expectations -- what WE want our As to do. We can't expect a fish to climb a tree. However, this does NOT mean that we have to put up with As outrageous behavior, them not showing, not doing stuff around the house etc etc...because...

We can set BOUNDARIES! Things we will and will not put up with...

bettyboop · Member

Thank you everyone for your responses. I do appreciate them. Even as I say the word expectation I know it's not gonna work. However; that doesn't stop me...or at least it didn't.

I guess now, I'm more hoping that he will do what he needs to...i.e pay his portion of the bills, pay me back the money that was lost, and secure us in an affordable home, (which we had, but lost due to his drinking).

I have been to Al-Anon before, many moons ago with my first husband. I intend to start going to meetings and have been reading all I can on the net. It helps to get an understanding, but also is very scary.

I appreciate you all,

Thank you!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I sort of see it as an expectation would be "I expect you to pay your portion of the bills", while a boundary would be "I am going to stop paying your bills". The results look vastly different and the boundaries have unfortunate fall out, but that fall out is necessary most often to invoke a change.

Past that simple explanation comes determining if we are prepared to work through those consequences and if we can uphold what we decided. That part is all individual. I love Mattie's explanation as well. It's not easy sometimes to step away from expectations and move to boundaries. Welcome, hugs, I'm new here too and learning a great deal from all these great people here.

bettyboop · Member

AStrongerMe,

Thank you, that was helpful!

I'm workig on it...I started working on Step 1, although I'm not quite sure I know what I'm doing, but in my mind at least I'm trying to do soething different and in te right direction.

I'm also going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight...I'm hoping to get some direction there...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

In Al-Anon we refer to expectations as pre - meditated resentments , your just setting yourself up for dissapointment .. lower your expectations and accept whats offered and make it enough , Just for Today . Louise

sunnie78 · Newbie

I woke up this morning and had to get out of bed to avoid thinking time. My resolution while walking the dogs was to keep busy to avoid thinking. Then I decided to explore online support groups and came to this site and this post by sheer grace. As I read the posts, I realized it was my expectations that were setting me up for grievous and debilitating disappointment. I have been in and out of Alanon for 25 years because of a parent and now a daughter. Had the bar set pretty high for the daughter who was 1 day shy of leaving a 90 stay at a rehab and then moving into a halfway house. She bolted from the rehab on Easter and is now in a prison. The postings here have helped tremendously in putting things in a different perspective. I need to expect nothing. I need to dust off all my books and get back in the swing of healthy thinking. This instant is a great time to start.

bettyboop · Member

Sunnie, I am exteremly new here, BUT the sheer fact that I posted makes me feel good, because it seems to have helped someone! Welcome back to AL-Anon!

-- Edited by bettyboop on Sunday 15th of April 2012 10:49:02 PM

Flame · Member

I am also new and would like to understand the expectation/resentment thing better. There's an aspect to the "no expectations" ideal that confuses me. Is there not a lack of respect and trust for the individual if, for instance, he says "I will come over for Easter" and we don't believe him? Don't intimate relationships demand trust? I know my A makes A big deal EVERY time he actually does something he says he's going to do (Which runs about 10% of the time) and all the broken promises don't seem to impact his consciousness. MY query is this: my A is in early recovery 2nd time around (after 5 years sober then 3 years out).Is there any hope of him becoming worthy of my trust?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Good questions Flame that only you can answer. I hope you are attending face to face Al-anon meetings and find a sponsir to help you find the answers to your questions. Sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.