Frustrated by AH's emails - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Frustrated by AH's emails

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

The past 2 days have been a test of my recovery! I need a meeting but the next one I can make is on Friday...possibly tomorrow if I get out of an appointment in time. And tomorrow I am going to hear Joyce Meyer speak, which will be awesome for my spiritual side. What I mean to say is, I am keeping my program my priority!

My estranged AH has been emailing me all kinds of stuff. We are only in communication via email, at my insistance, and only about our divorce paperwork.

I had to contact him regarding the paperwork, and so far he has texted, called (I didn't answer), and sent over a dozen off-topic emails. He is very sick. Me me me me me. His emotions are swinging wildly, he is trying to manipulate me with guilt and obligation, and is begging me to talk to him on the phone, then saying he can never speak to me again, then begging to answer his call, he wants to be perfect for me, he wants to propose a way to work our programs together.

I have not taken his bait and am not responding to his emotional pleas. But it is really testing my serenity. I am remembering to detach and trying to pull myself out and view these events as an observer. But it is hard.

The last thing he wrote was that he was sorry, he's been going to AA the past week and he feels he is "bastardizing rule 9"...which I assume he means Step 9, making amends.

This is where I had a laugh with myself. One week in AA and he's already on Step 9?! Give me a break. Steps 1-3 alone can take a very long time! Took me over a year to work on the HP thing. Any given sentence from his emails makes is blazingly clear that he is not working a program. He's desperate for my attention and contact with me.

But here I am again, thinking about HIM, even mockingly. At least I have not played into his attempts to manipulate me. I feel angry and upset. Enough is enough.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

What a great share, you are working hard! I relate to this a lot.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

At times like this they really show us how sick their thinking is. I don't mean "sick" as in "twisted," I just mean "sick" as in "irrational and all over the map." They think they're going to win us back with it and they're just exposing how smart we were to put that distance in there!

Do you have to read all the e-mails and so forth? If you're waiting for some real information, maybe you could have a friend read them and report: "Nope, he didn't give the date of the blah-de-blah in these." Maybe a friend in recovery who won't be tempted to rant on about how bizarre the e-mails are!

Whatever you choose to do, remember to take care of you!

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Sigh...thanks! I have to confess, I didn't even KNOW there was a long version of the Serenity Prayer!! Ahhhh!!

I just got the "eat poop and die" email from him...after rebuking his advances...now he is good and pissed off.

That's the man I know! True to himself to the end! Definitely reminding me of why I asked for a divorce in the first place.

The upside is he is so pissed off, he is saying he will never ever contact me again, best wishes, good luck out there. Maybe I AM so lucky that he will stop contacting me.

Isn't it so funny how, by "not playing," the A gets angrier? But if you *do* play, they get angry anyway? Well, that's the case with mine anyway.

So I am going to let him enjoy his anger...and I am going to enjoy a TV show, some dessert, maybe a chat with a friend, and have another look at my daily Al Anon readers! (wish there was a consolidated version of all of them...I flip through 3 every day!)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me ones program is their own. The steps are there to ponder on and learn from, guide us.

Just because he is mentioning step nine does not mean he has gotten thru the rest before. At least he is talking program.

It has to be hard to keep hearing from him. I am guessing you do not have attornies?

It was good for you to come vent it out. Good for you also for being strong on your own path! Progress feels so good!

love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs dolly, I can relate more than I would like to on all issues u describe. U work a great program!! Stay with it and keep up the good work! Hugs p ;)

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

It does feel good, Deb. I honestly feel like I have had a brain transplant since being in Al Anon! I even graduated therapy today! My counselor said I'm her healthiest client!

It is true he might not have meant he was on Step 9. But the comment was intended to manipulate me into taking his call. He wanted to make amends on the phone. I responded that email was best for me. He sure didn't like that. If he were working a sincere program, I am sure he would have respected my request. But he didn't. Ahh...it was an exhaustive bunch of emails he sent...no point in replaying it. Onward and upward!

We don't have attorneys. The military legal service handled our separation agreement...and he is using a legal document service to have the divorce docs drawn up. I did consult with an attorney and had her look over the paperwork for my own protection...it is cool. We don't have kids or any property stuff, so it's a fairly simple process. Yes, I am grateful for that.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Mine told me once how he was feeling about things, then justified it by saying he was doing step 3, talking about your feelings - I really sat here in my living room laughing out loud when I read that part.

I was with the same type of guy Dolly - no matter what you do he ends up mad anyway - the truly ONLY winning move was NOT to play. Remember the movie Wargames? The child-like sounding computer voice says "A strange game.... the only winning move is NOT to play". then the lights come back on, control of the war machine goes back to the humans and all is well. I still hear THAT voice when he tries to suck me into it. When he was bent on beating me into agreeing that I was 100% at fault for all the troubles he's ever had, I stop reading emails, turn off my phones, block my door - and then tell him that was what i was doing - when he didn't get anymore replies from me, the next time I checked email, there were no more - once he knew I'd left the building, and REALLY had stopped playing the game, he would stop.

Funny thing now is, he is insulted that I won't give him my new cell phone number - how dare I, it just proves how awful I am eh? It proves I'm pathetic, loser, psycho, etc. ad nauseum.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are doing the best you can. You can practice detachment (and it sounds like you are doing the best job possible given the circumstance) but one factor that really makes detachment work in a healthy way is time.

Hence, a detached response (if you even gave one at all) would be "I'm really glad you are pursuing recovery."

In support,

Mark

-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 12th of April 2012 10:48:09 AM

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Thanks Mark. I am working on detachment and have made progress, but yes, it is still very emotionally charged for me. There have been so many times he fooled me with a "jailhouse conversion" and it turned out to be false and led to me getting hurt again. I really don't mean to undermine anyone's attempt to grasp AA. I hope he is sincere this time for his own sake. No one gets it perfect. But those negative emotions only hurt me, and I am determined to let those go.

Like you said, time. And, he's none of my business anymore! Nor I his.

Oh- edited to add- the upside of this is that I have learned a lot about myself and my program. Along with the mother incident this week, I have learned that I get angry when a boundary is being crossed...my early warning system! I think I did good at acknowledging my anger without succumbing to it. In the past, it would have been a different story...I would be fuming, or dissociating, or beating myself up inside for not forgiving quick enough. And, I guess we never truly know the strength of our program unless it is tested, even gently.

So, I am thankful my AH sent me 2 dozen emails and text messages. And I am thankful my mother pushed my buttons as well. How else would I know what still needs work in me? The beauty is that I have been really nice to myself, even though I know I still have some vulerable spots.

Freakin' LOVE this program! And a shout-out to my HP. :)

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Thursday 12th of April 2012 11:24:00 AM

DogMom · Member

I am new here but I agree, they get angry either way. I hope Joyce says just the things you need to hear when you see her. I record her shows and last week, when I really needed it, she spoke 2 days about anger and mercy, hate the sin not the sinner. Boy, did I need to hear it at that time because anger is an understatement for how I felt about my AH after his latest episode.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

^ I get it.

I am grateful for your reminder that his emails, etc. are just noise.

Your words did help me search myself and find a nugget of compassion for him. Which, in turn, has really helped my peace of mind. I am finding the "loving" part of detachment difficult...I was getting twisted up in the audacity of his words and feeling anger...it wasn't the best day today. Toxic-hangover?

But I am trying to remember that he is just as powerless as I am...and he is under the spell of his disease as much as I am..or was. My heart truly goes out to him. I hope he gets better someday.

I know I will. I'm already so much better than I was even a month ago.

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