ExAH and his drama - Al-Anon Family Group

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

ExAH and his drama

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I did not fall into it this morning, but he brought it to my house full force this morning. He brought my 3 1/2 year old to my door she was screaming her lungs off and flinging herself back onto the floor hard where he set her down on my kitchen floor, so he could get my oldest daughters bags out of his car and run off to work. Atleast my oldest was off at school. He was yelling over her that this was my fault for my inconsistancy and that he had a terrible 2 days with her. So sad he says this in front of her. They both showed up in full force tantrums. I quickly rushed him off before the verbal whatever continued on.

I sat on the couch and hugged and loved on her for a couple hours just talking with her and letting her come out of it. She has been fine since and now that it's getting to be dinner time she is her normal self. She has a hard transition every week, but this was by far the worst I have seen. I dropped my 14 year old off yesterday by him because she took the bus to my house to pick up some things after school and then I drove her back to his house. He then yelled at her for changing the plan and coming to my house, eating dinner while at my house, yelled at me for letting this happen and yelled at my little one to go away when she was trying to get into his lap.

I left and he followed me out and lectured me on how it was my fault that he and my 14 year old have communication problems, because I let her hide behind me. I really said nothing to any of this and just walked away. I could feel his anger my oldest said he was intense and that is why she came to my house and needed her permission slip and I.D. to turn into her teacher for her upcoming Washington D.C. school trip.

I know the 3 C's and I am aware that all the talking to him in his state of mind would be futile. I however worry for my children and wonder how and at what point do I revisit the courts and fight for more time for me and less for him. When I move in 2 months and 60 miles away, I am thinking changes need to be made before then. After I move I won't be able to get to my children after evening, because we literally live on an island and we will be moving to the mainland. The ferry boats do not run after a certain time every evening. My sponsor has told me to think about it a few times after different incidents, but when I talk with my 14 year old she says she wants to be able to see her dad still and that he usually doesn't act that way. I asked her if she knows who to call if things get bad after we move away and they are here visiting and she named a few good people, that is good to know she has it planned out ahead of time, it just reminds me of when we all lived with him full time. I do not worry about him physically abusing them, but for the emotional damage being done. I feel like I have to keep letting them have a relationship with him, I know his role is important and he does have some very good qualities also. I know divorce is never easy on anyone and I struggle with sharing my children like so many. I know someday he will have to answer to them as so will I for my mistakes in parenting. Any ESH is welcomed.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience with this (goodness I could write your story word for word and have it be my life) is this.

Where I am the courts do not consider chaos, yelling, blaming the other parent, anger management issues or other such things cause for reconsideration of time (BTDT tried it). Here, instability, patterns of neglect, clear physical abuse or documented regular substance abuse are the only ones they consider (current, not past).

Now on a personal level my experience is this. I urge you to be cautious about "cuddling" them post chaos. I did that too - my kids instantly learned to play my ex and I against each other as soon as they saw that division. I couldn't disagree with my ex's parenting beliefs more if he were painting them purple and feeding them cake for dinner. BUT *I*, me myself and I stopped getting involved in how he parented and detaching from that was the hardest thing I've ever done and is still hard.

I do process with my kids. I let them talk to me about their feelings when things are chaotic, stressful, angry and tense. They know it's safe to tell me things like "I hate dad, all he does is yell at us all the time" or "I never want to go there again" but what they get from me is this: "I'm sorry things are hard there right now, he's doing his best to love you, you can't change mim but you can change how you react to him". If you had any idea how hard it is to stop myself from agreeing with my kids, this has not been easy for me but it HAS worked.

Also - the LEAST amount of transfers is the BEST for the kids. Kids hate transitions, yes they have to learn to deal with them but I agree with the courts on this one - WE divorced, they didn't, WE need to provide the least intrusion into their lives. That meant for me that I had to pay for daycare when my ex was unemployed ($1,500 a month and I owe my parents about $5,000 for it). With 50/50, I've seen so far with my friends that 7 on/ 7 off is best. That means 4 transitions per month, no day with dad, night with mom, back again.

Unfortunately that doesn't always work and can't always work and so the kids deal with transitions more than we wish. We do the best with what we have, hopefully as time goes on this will all iron itself out. Our first year of custody resembles nothing of our 5th year of custody.

Last, my ex still blames me for my kids not listening at his house. When he says it to me (which he stopped years ago) my response has been "I am not there, your house, your rules". I say nothing more. What that means for me is, at his house it's his job to parent. At my house it's my job to parent. I stay out of your parenting, you stay out of mine. Were we married that wouldn't work, but separated and divorced, he and I don't agree, never did so that gives me sanity.

My kids are older, my boys are unfortunately learning more and more to detest him badmouthing me. They spent some time standing up for me and I put a stop to it. I told them "that is not your job, I know it hurts to hear him say those things but they don't hurt me I promise because I know they aren't true so I don't let them hurt me, just try really hard to ignore him like I do". Now they ignore him but unfortunately instead of them thinking badly of me, they now have a nearly destroyed relationship with him over that issue the most. It's sad but it's his fault and I am not going to help him dig out of his own hole, that's his issue.

Trust yourself. Trust your judgement. His parenting is his business, yours is yours unless he is hurting them or endangering them. Listen to your kids but understand that even when my ex was being a monster, often the kids were provoking him on purpose to that point. So I learned quickly that I had to make sure the kids realized that the way they react to their dad and how they handle themselves is also key to the chaos. I'm still working through that with them. It's not easy but I have sanity now because I don't feel I'm in the middle of it anymore. Sort of a sideline coach?

I wish I could give you a real hug - that stuff is so hard. This program will actually really help you through this, I wish I'd added this to my work way back then.

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I struggle with the above too. My partner hasn't pushed the court action but does push the court issue; time will tell. Seems the longer he's away, the more adamant he is about it. Unfortunately, I don't think his motive is out of sheer love, I think it's out of the sheer influence of his mother and sister; both entirely controlling and both unfortunately very much very sick in their thinking. The courts here also don't care about too much except black and white .. our world is surrounded by effected thinkers; even at the top .. the effects certainly don't discriminate. Very scarey to recognise these are the authority figures at times we hand power to.

I entirely empathise with you in your situation as I've lived the emotional abuse part and the x blaming, etc... crazy feeling effects .. There was something in my reading the above this time that makes me wonder at least a little . if the kids are effected on the same level we are .. I wonder if my hugging my own daughter at times reinforces her beliefs of fear, etc.. maybe i project out to her, her every fear is even bigger than she thinks it is, etc.. I don't know .. I only know i'm sharing where I can and the solutions will come eventually ..

I'm not sure what I think of the above .. on one hand I agree with strongerme and on the other hand, I grew up with neither parent to support, hold, love, listen to me .. the healing is in the balance and it may bring some. my parents and family were also paranoid that i was manipulating when i didn't know how to express myself any other way .. how could i have ? (that's just my experience) I still needed love (loving action) .. When they are crying on the level they are, they are certainly expressing the pain of "something" .. I have no way of knowing for sure what that is on a recovery level as in I could never say why someone else hurts .. not even me at times; I have to attend meetings and receive the spiritual insight to see it .. therefore, I'm not sure what I think but I do know it may be the experience that she learned she can come to you too .. ..

hope you keep coming and sharing .. wishing us all much serenity awareness & acceptance ..

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank AStrongerMe, you have some great ESH and I will put it to use and thanks for the support GailMichelle! I have my girls 5 days a week and he 2. My oldest transfers via school bus and my little one at the door of each other's house on our way to work, due to living 3 blocks from each other. I try not to coddle my 3 1/2 year old too much, but she is my baby and after the emotional stuff from his house she is more needy after coming back the first day and I dish out extra love it is healing for us both. I don't give into her whining or other things just pour out love onto her. I can't do anything about the transfers it works with my schedule and will be perfect for my move so that he will have them on weekends so as not to mess up school during the week, we have always worked around him not having them on weekends so he could go out and that will have to change and he has agreed. We will have to wait and see how all this works, but I have it in my divorce that there is a no mind altering substance abuse policy while they are in his care. He has broken it in the past, but since then my 14 year old now goes with my little one every time to visit him.

I am as dettached as I have been ever and am not into his daily life, just when it involves my kids it can be bothersome. I do not tell him what or how to parent. He tells me and still tries to control me and I just listen and walk away. I have handed him to my HP and will worry less and know he is doing the best he can at this point. I will go back to my relaxing, boring life. Thank you both!!!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Metwo2! I do try not to bad mouth him or reinforce her tantrums in any way. When I sit with her and just love on her with attention and holding she calms down and we can move on with our day, so I don't feel it is a negative thing to do. I was neglected greatly as a kid and even my 14 year old at times has asked me to back off at times with my volunteering at all her events and I have respected that and hardly do it anymore at all. I just love how smart my little one is and she is a great communicater and has the memory of an elephant and we laugh a lot. Her sister grew up fast and in such chaos, I am just trying to do the best I can with my last one.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I too still deal with him trying to control me. It's a daily work in detaching for certain! Love is always good, never give up loving on them - its all a balancing act. It just happens that one of my sweet boys has extremely high level thinking and he managed to internalize that mom doesn't like how dad treats me so I'll up the ante. That made it so hard for me to parent as I wanted and was the start of learning to parent what they needed. He and I are total buds now, but he keeps me on my toes by constantly testing me LOL.

Wish we were neighbors! Bet we would have some serious stories to share!!

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, since my littlest one is my tester also and is way too smart for her own good! Maybe my next move. Sending you love and support as well!!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.