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This is the first time I'm posting, I just don't know where else to go for support to deal with this. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year, things were great in the beginning until a couple weeks in when I learned he had a cocaine addiction, I stuck by him and supported him, he ended up going to rehab for a month back in September. When he got back things were going well, so I thought. No one knew that he started using again, he started out with him having a couple drinks at the end of the day, then he started smoking again(weed) then he started the cocaine use again. I'm not exactly sure when this all started again. He's now in jail(has been there for a week and a half) but will be getting out sometime this week and will be going to rehab once again except for a longer period of time. Possibly three to six months. I love him and I know that he can be a great person, but do I stick by him and hope for the best. I do believe people can change, but I have my own life and kids to worry about as well. This is the most difficult decision I think I've ever had to make in life. I'm so torn, and I know I'll have plenty of time to think about this and re-evaluate my life. I don't want to give up on him, but I also don't want to give up on myself for him.
Sending you lots of support. We can't really offer advice here as to whether you should stay or go, that is your decision to make. I would do what Wolfie suggested: find an Al Anon meeting in your area and get support for yourself. In time, you may find the answers you are looking for.
I know you can't tell me what to do in this situation, although truth be told I wish it was that easy. I wish someone would just tell me to run the other direction and never look back and that I would do it. I know my boyfriends parents have started going to meetings (his dad has been going for 2 months now and his mom just recently started going as well) I'm going to look for ones close to my home, since I believe having people to talk to about this will help. It all hits close to home as well since my Dad is a alcoholic, he drank for as long as I can remember, up until the time when I was 20 and had my second child(he got a DUI) and he's been sober since. I now people can change, but then I look at my mother and all the years she had to go through this to finally see the change. I don't know if I'm strong enough to wait for years for someone to realase there mistakes and to want to change once and for all. I feel like I dont mean enough to my boyfriend and our possible life together, even though I realize that this is his struggle and has nothing to do with me.
I won't tell you to run the other direction because the outcome would probably only be you picking up another addiction-bent man - they are EVERYWHERE! Rather I would echo what has already been said - go to meetings, immerse yourself in learning and practicing recovery so that you can make a detached informed decision about your current boyfriend; learn about red flags, boundaries, and unacceptable behavior; You'll get a stronger sense of who you are and what behavior and treatment you will not accept from others.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I hope you are attending face to face Al-anon meetings and I am glad you found us at MIP! No one should tell you what to do. I think deep down you know the answers. It took me a long time in Al-anon to listen to my small inner voice and to trust my HP to guide me. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so helpful in my early program. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I agree with what everyone else has shared, .. go to the meetings .. keep coming back. The book that has been recommended is a short read and it does help. I am going to put out a couple of others .. Melodie Beattie, Co Dependent No More. She has a whole series of books and they REALLY opened my eyes to my behavior. I'm still struggling with keeping the focus on me and not buying into someone else's behavior. Wise wise people on this board have said often to others and to me .. he's going to drink or not drink what are YOU going to do. This is what I keep coming back to. I didn't cause, I can't control and I can't cure my A .. I CAN work on myself though and keep the focus on me. I have 2 children as well, they are thriving because I am doing better. If you work this program you can't help but feel better, see clearer and know what it is in your own best interests.
Welcome and hugs, I hope you will find a meeting in your area and keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
