Non-Alcoholic Dating Someone in AA, any advice? - Al-Anon Family Group

soitgoes13 · Newbie

Non-Alcoholic Dating Someone in AA, any advice?

Wolfie55 · Senior Member

I think I can shed some light on this. But first let me point out that this message board isn't an AA message board. This is Al-Anon and we can't or shouldn't really give you advice on what AA does or does not do, the same as AA shouldn't do that for Al-Anon. However, If you're going to be dating an alcoholic who is seeking recovery in AA, then Al-Anon would certainly be helpful and it is probably a good place for you to be. I, for one, certainly understand your point and I can relate to your concern.

Its probably okay for me to speak for AA because I'm in both fellowships. I make no secret of that and it gets me in all kinds of trouble because by rights I should be speaking only about Al-Anon when I'm here. So what I say is not the opinion of Al-Anon I guess that's what I mean. Recovery from alcoholism is a difficult thing in most cases and some sponsors suggest that a new person not be involved in serious relationships, changes of careers, moving to another country or anything like that because it distracts the newcomer from the business of getting sober and staying sober. However, it is only a suggestion and is not something that's written in stone.

I became involved after only four months continuous sobriety. I, too, was doing my 4th and 5th step at the time of our first date and I was on my ninth step when I made the conscious decision to get involved with this woman. That was 14 years ago. we are happily married, haven't had any major difficulties. Of course my situation is slightly different in that we are both double winners. Double winner is someone who has found sobriety in AA and serenity in Al-Anon. But I am probably one of the exceptions to the rule.

My "advice" would be to follow your heart and not your mind. Take the relationship and your life a day at a time. Hang around here, take in a few meetings, see if Al-Anon is something you need. Our 12 step program has its advantages for all and it seems to me that you really like this guy, so the match maker in me says go for it. I hope that was of some help to you. I'm sure the more seasoned members here can help more than I can.

soitgoes13 · Newbie

Wolfie55-

Thank you for the advice and words of encouragement. Alcoholism and addiction problems run in my family as well and though I didn't spend much time around him, my father was an alcoholic (and did not admit it). I've been exposed to this and understand that going into a relationship with someone with these issues is not something to be taken lightly. I do really care for him, but it is still very early in our relationship and I feel at this point I need to educate myself on the program and potential issues I may run into dating someone in recovery.

I am actually attending an Al-anon meeting this week and hope this will help me understand this better. I feel like I need to be selflessly supportive of his progress but worry that could be at the expense of my emotions so I'm hoping I can find my own support group too.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm at a similar place with you, although I was initially the one that pulled back. For myself, if my recovering boyfriend were to ask to take a step back as a part of his recovery, I would discuss with him the best way to do that. Yes, the romantic part will be difficult. I could see for myself setting up our time together to be in public places or with friends present, etc. That's just one thing that came to my mind.

Coming here to learn more about how I can "worry about me" more and "worry about him" less was another step I took. I recognized quickly that would be an easy slope for me to slip down.

My BF and I, we've done a lot of talking over the past 3 plus months. We've come to the agreement that we do not want to expect anything from this relationship right now except friendship, growth and supporting each other's "program". My program is multi-faceted, I've been a recovering codependent for over 5 years now, and have come to learn about al-anon given my new relationship. I find similarities but also new tools for me. Working on finding a face-to-face meeting for myself and with my schedule.

I don't know what will work best for both of you, I think attending face to face meetings is probably the best start and although it's been a few years since I've been in a F2F 12 step meeting, there is always a great deal of support, love and learning in any of them.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha soitgoes - glad to hear you're going to get yourself over to a meeting.

That you're a child of an alcoholic and that you're considering a serious relationship with another is reason enough to check the program out. We typically recommend hitting at least six meetings as close together as possible before deciding if Al-Anon is for you or not.

The red flags I would have with dating someone freshly sober (to me anything under a couple years is freshly sober! haha... but that's personal opinion only!), is that there really is that very real risk that the A could be in the relationship with me, whether he knows it or not, to fill that "void" his sponsor had warned about.

The risk I see in your post is that you're very concerned about making sure you're supporting his sobriety. Careful there because that can lead to a path of walking on eggshells all the time, fearing that if you say or do the wrong thing it might drive him to drink again. That's part of our picture of the disease - we feel like we're responsible for someone's choice to drink or not to drink, when, in fact, we most certainly are not. We can't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

So glad you stopped by. Keep coming back.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We do not think like an A. From what you have shared he is already playing games. Maybe not even on purpose.

He tells you he wants to not date, but you are meeting to "hang out?" Wants you in his life, you were romantically involved now not sure what he wants?

What do YOU want? No wonder you are confused. This shows you he is in no way ready to have a relationship. His desires are not clear, he has not been in a year yet. He is going against what his sponsor suggests. Sooo put it together.

They are very sick. Recovery is extremely hard. It's not just stopping the drug whatever it is, its a lifestyle change. They learn to think differently, plan differently, learn to set goals, say what they mean etc.

He is very, very young in his recovery.

I know you have gotten yourself in a tough place! You sound like a very nice person who got into something you did not realize was a serious complication.

Al anon is the place for you. We go to help us to understand and learn.

To even be just a friend, actually it is past that now, Al Anon can help you with him and in many other things in your own life.

thank you for joining! debilyn

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Ditto what Debilyn said.

What do *you* want? When you wrote "so what can I do to help and make him see that..." big red flag popped up to me.

You can't help or make him see anything. Decide if you want a friendship with this guy, to wait for a recovering alcoholic to be ready for a relationship, or to graze other pastures. Then go from there!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha, I sure appreciate what you are saying here! It's something I've been trying to catch myself on. I generally try to catch it at first "thought", if I'm trying to "second guess" something it's a flag for me. I just work to remind myself that his choices are his and I'm not here to make any for him. I make decisions for me only (repeat over and over LOL).

Definitely one of the things I saw in myself right off the bat. I was glad to have already known that was something to watch for.

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP!

"selflessly supportive of his progress"

Your A's program and progress belongs to him and him alone. It is his side of the street to keep clean and maintain under all circumstances.

Selflessly ... is admirable but in many ways exactly the attitude that brought me to AlAnon. Compromising myself to help someone else left me falling deeper into his addiction rather than my life.

In my experience and observation of relationships the best outcome is when both parties attend meetings and practice AA and AlAnon programs. The best way to support your friend's recovery is to put your focus on yourself, take care of yourself and, as Jerry F has reminded me, listen with your eyes ... meaning actions speak louder than words. Given time you will know if and when you want to bring the relationship back to serious without doubts.

Jen

Karen S · Member

A very wise recovering friend told me a long time ago that when he stopped drinking and got serious about working his program it was two years of just dealing with not drinking and learning to work his own program before he had a clue who is was without the booze.

In my alanon family group I often heard that you work your program and you work YOUR program, but relationships are where you "take your program on the road." Which brings with it a whole new level of working your program.

In my own experience, I heard the A say very similar things...he kept trying to work his program, but also kept pulling me back into what was not mine to deal with. "Hanging out" with a person with whom I had a quite involved sexual relationship only meant that both he and I were drawn back into unhealthy patterns. Eight months sober and steps 4/5 are still baby stepping. I had to learn after many, many back and forth (and painful) experiences that an A in early recovery is not somebody I personally can have a safe or satisfying relationship with. Hope you find YOUR way, not his way, to your own recovery. Keep hope in your heart but also keep your eyes and ears wide open while you learn to care for yourself. His recovery is HIS recovery.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I will speak from experience being in AA as well. I got into a relationship with just over 2 months sober. It was not the greatest idea and of course my sponsor and everyone else in AA chastized me for it. At the time, I was too scared to be alone and get sober at the same time. I basically used the other person (even though the other person was a consenting adult). I wound up changing and getting more self esteem and having more of my own voice through AA. Along with that, I grew unhappy with him and ended things.

The risk you run will dating someone in early recovery is that you will unknowingly get used like this. That person is growing and changing in ways they do not know. They are not capable of saying "This is me" and presenting themselves to you with a full heart. They don't know who they are and their heart is still damaged.

Like Wolfie stated though, there are exceptions to every rule. The relationship I got in did not make me drink despite everyone telling me it would. The choices are yours. Just hoping to offer another perspective.

Mark

soitgoes13 · Newbie

I appreciate everyone's perspective on all this, I did not expect coming on here that anyone was going to say "Don't worry, just go for it!" However, it's still really hard to hear all of this and try a figure out my next move. I think what it comes down to is I really need to sit down and have a conversation with him about where, if at all, I fit into his life. I know I would have a really hard time just cutting ties and walking away for a while but from what many of you have said it seems this might be the only solution that is truly healthy for both of us.

Part of me is definitely hurt and upset that he did not tell me about this before our relationship became physical, I think it still would have been complicated but not as much as it is now and as Debilyn said above this behavior is not conducive to a good relationship. I really don't want our relationship to simply be a void filler for him and I know that until he has completed his program that will always be in the back of my head- second guessing whether he really wants to be with me or just doesn't want to be alone.

This whole situation sucks.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I am actually attending an Al-anon meeting this week and hope this will help me understand this better. I feel like I need to be selflessly supportive of his progress but worry that could be at the expense of my emotions so I'm hoping I can find my own support group too.
-------------------------------
Hi, welcome to MIP.
You wrote the above sentences. What popped out to me is that you feel like you need to be "selflessly supportive of his progress but worry that could be at the expense of my emotions".

Wow! You are miles ahead!! Yes, it would be at the expense of yourself. To be selflessly supportive is not what we advocate in AlAnon. Our motto is closer to "take care of yourself." It is great that he is in AA. He will come to learn about himself in ways that he doesn't even comprehend right now. If you stay in AlAnon, you also will learn about yourself and why you would be willing to be "Selflessly supportive" to someone with a bad disease that you have been dating for a few months. If you go to AlAnon you will learn why we call it a disease and why we say the drinking is only a symptom of something bigger.

We are not saying to break up completely, or to jump into the relationship with 2 feet. We are saying to take it easy and take care of yourself. Right now he is not capable of taking care of you. He will take care of himself. If it is meant to be it can wait for a year. Then you can re-evaluate. In the meantime, stay friends. But go out and have fun and let him get well.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

(hugs) soitgoes

None of this relationship stuff is ever easy.

I just wanted to slip in, too, that when an A is really working the AA program, there's never a "completion" to it. This is a life-long dedication for some because frankly some recognize their life depends on it. It's not a matter of getting through all 12 steps then receiving a certificate, a pat on the back and a "Congratulations! You're cured!". An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, whether they're actively drinking or actively in recovery. Of course an A in recovery is usually a much better A to live with and love than one engrossed in the midst of his or her disease.

Don't beat yourself up over any of this, though. You're doing the best you can. Enjoy what you've got out of the relationship thus far instead of regretting anything.

I felt really relieved one day when I heard someone wise say "There are no mistakes. There's only opportunities to learn." I used to feel a lot of guilt over past "mistakes", thinking I should have known better. I'd beat myself up over them. But one day when I heard that, it really sunk in and I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. I no longer needed to carry the guilt around.

You're doing good, girl! So glad you're here. :)

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the advice and it is an advice not a rule is to not make big changes in the first years of any program. That is if you are in a relationship to not change it and it you aren't in one not to go get one. I know many many people who didn't heed that advice.

Supporting an alcoholic in recovery has a lot of different meanings. For me as a codependent it means not turning my life over to their recovery.

This Board can be a great resource for not doing that. There are guidelines for all of us. For me these days the most important guidelines are related to me rather than to anyone else but me.

Maresie.

flyagain · Member

I want to thank you for posting this. I just within the last month have found myself in the exact situation with someone who is a recovering drug user and I just happened upon this forum when I was looking for ways to cope with it all. He is on step 4 and is in his 5th month being sober. I want to be there for him and to support him but I am not familiar with the AA program and have begun doing research on my own to become more aware of his situation and what he is going through so I can understand. have never been in a situation like this before..and I am a person that forget to take care of myself when I am in a relationship. I am a caretaker by nature so detaching from that is very hard for me to do and I need to be able to do that not only for his wellbeing but for myown. So if anyone has anymore advice on what I can do.. I would be very greatful.

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