Hugs Dolly,

I can completely empathize with you on the issue of a parent not accepting personal responsibility or over identifying with an issue that I'm going through. Currently my mom will go on and on about how worried she is and how physically sick it's making her. I pointed out .. gee mom funny I thought this was MY life and what I'm going through. LOL .. she gets it to a point. It is truly about accepting personal responsibility some people can and some people can't. I know in my mom's case she chooses not to, it's always about defending herself never that I actually felt or perceived specific situations differently than her. There is always a "but" and holy cow is it a BIG one when it comes to any kind of apology. That's not an apology however it's probably the best I will ever get from her at this point and time. Well, safely to say today .. it's the best I will get.

All I can say this is a good lesson in step 1 .. and what other people think of me is none of my business. I think it's a parents job on some level to worry about their kids it's an inborn thing. The problem is when they choose not to let go or maybe they can't let go.

Are you happy? Are you loving your life? If so .. what she thinks or says really doesn't matter .. that's what I was kind of talking about when I was talking about using love as a shield. It's just a way to let things roll off and love someone else with where they are at even if we don't agree with them.

You can choose to react to your mom or not, or you can choose to take a different action.

Take what you like and know I am there in support, sending love as well, hugs P :)

Thanks all. I talked things over with my counselor. My mom's email definitely triggered my anger. It comes from the "my roof, my rules" type of parenting...kids are always overpowered and controlled, even if the adult is way out of line. So still being considered a helpless little baby brings all that back for me.

I am very attracted to the thought of totally letting go. Intellectually, I would be okay with doing that and even relieved to cut off contact with my family. But I still feel a lot of guilt there. And my anger about the abuse is still robust. I will pray to my HP to help me resolve these feelings with myself. Maybe do some art to help purge the feelings.

No, her worry has nothing to do with me. It is not relevant to my life in any way. In the past, I have told her how it bothers me and undermines me. That she could instead feel proud she raised an independent child who can care for herself. If she wants to lose sleep worrying about a false fantasy, that is her business. She equates love with worrying. I get that cognitively, but my emotional response is a different story. My counselor is going to do some EMDR with me at our next session to help take the sting out of my anger, for my sake.

I'm not going to write back to her email. New boundary: I don't respond to people who treat me in a way that is not true to who I am. Who *I* say I am. I don't recognize other's false identification of me. I am super happy with my life and it's only going to get better and better. Anything irrelevant to that truth, I have no time or energy for.

That's good, hotrod. I like that.

My mother would respond with, " I know. But I *still* worry." Haha! She is really dedicated to feeling miserable!

How is validating yourself different from defending yourself, or explaining yourself? Because I don't feel like doing that.

I identify with your experience a lot. I have had to learn to restrict what I share with her, and to just "nod and thank her" for the input. I started my work with my mom without even realizing it years ago, but its still something I need to watch for. Big hugs.

Hi DL, my mom also claims that she will never stop worrying. It seems we've had similar childhood experiences, I relate to your feelings.

I am also a mom to two 20-somethings. A few years ago, when my daughter phoned to tell me she was going to enlist with the Army, I went completely ballistic. I believed I HAD to talk her out of it. Well, she hung up on me. I phoned her back, she didn't answer. Again and again, no answer. Man oh man, I was livid.......

That was a very bad day. Very, very bad.

But I kept coming back. Because I have this dis-ease of believing that my happiness and well-being depends on what others do.

I am so grateful for this program, I eventually learned that my journey has nothing to do with my mom. And my daughter's journey has nothing to do with me. We are all on separate journey's to Higher power.

But I had to learn that. Our mom's don't know. Just like, I didn't know....

The only reason I know today, is because my suffering brought me to my knees and I sought recovery. Today, I have the opportunity to pass something different onto my kids. Today I can say to my daughter, "I have every confidence in you." I let her own the decisions she makes for herself, I don't try to control her so that I can feel serene, haha. Today we have a very beautiful relationship, we are true confidants. ONLY because I learned that my happiness and well-being do not depend on what she does. ONLY because I learned to let go, as Jerry says. I had to take the attitude that my children are not "mine." Rather, God gave them to me, to raise for Him/Her. I do not "own" my kids like some kind of property and they do not "owe" me anything. This attitude has allowed me to have a beautiful relationship with my kids.

As for my mom, she is who she is. I cannot change her. When I try to, it NEVER makes me okay, it makes me even MORE frustrated. Because I am powerless. I sometimes forget that, lol. Mom, and all her criticisms and fears cannot diminish me unless I get hooked by it and start BELIEVING it. That's my real problem....  when I believe it. She has no more power over me than the power I give her.  When I give my power away, I can always take it right back. 

Thanks for the post, great thread.

((big hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 10th of April 2012 12:57:48 PM

Such a great thread, thank you for sharing!!!

The last part of what Hotrod wrote "Validating myself merely allowed me to keep the focus on myself and my truth without reacting in anger to others interference"

It's not defending, or justifying, it is stating what is and not reacting based on another's emotional inflection. You know that you are accomplished, and independent and oh so capable. You are just simply stating those things as fact without emotional inflection... At least this is my take on the validation of you.

I also like how you have established the boundary of "I'm not going to write back to her email. New boundary: I don't respond to people who treat me in a way that is not true to who I am. Who *I* say I am. I don't recognize other's false identification of me. I am super happy with my life and it's only going to get better and better. Anything irrelevant to that truth, I have no time or energy for."

It's hard not to react sometimes but that's where we put the program to work!!!  

^ that is wonderful. A great testimony.

I can't change my mother, nor do I want to. I am okay with not having a close relationship with my family. (I actually feel so much healthier this way!) My anger surprised me, but I am grateful for it because it tells me there is a trigger there that wants my attention and healing.

Hm, there maybe is a small part of me that unconsciously believes I am a little helpless baby. After all, I have tended to choose partners who were dominating and controlling. So I can strengthen my belief that I am powerful and capable. And that I can be selective about who I trust and reach out to for help. :)

I hope so, Stronger! Many of us who didn't receive the age appropriate nurturing and care as a child probably have that wounded kid inside of us, always hungry for that attention and love. But in our dysfunctional family system, we learned that love is painful/hurtful/etc...whatever your family's special way was. The trick now as an adult is to learn how to nurture ourselves in a positive way, to re-frame all that.

I recognize the ways I have gotten tripped up. I used to think that I didn't need anyone's help for anything, ever! I believed that somehow "proving" I could "make it" on my own meant that I was not vulnerable to being hurt by others. Really had that chip on my shoulder.

Yet we all seek out and need love...so I chose men who resembled that home dynamic of love- which for me was control, not being validated, and lots of guilt/obligation.

But through the loving care of other Al Anoners and my HP, I am learning that it is okay to trust select people. I can't do it alone, but I can pick healthy people to ask for help, after first recognizing my own needs.

That paradox of my rebellious independence and attachment to controlling men I fostered is shifting into a profound self-love and learning healthy ways to get my needs met! Along with this is rooting out those buried beliefs that tell me I am helpless. I'm really not helpless. But I have put myself in that position time and time again...in impossible situations with abusive men who were more than happy to help me feel helpless.

It's helped me to learn that my mother's behaviors and insecurities are all about HER, not me.

I went for a long time listening to my mother tell me how sad she was that she and I weren't closer. I heard it all the time and I took it as gospel that something WAS wrong with our relationship and that I was responsible for fixing it.

I had a chat with my sponsor about this maybe a year ago... and she suggested that perhaps there's nothing wrong at all. How do I feel about our relationship? Am I fine with things the way they are? At that time, I was, for the most part. But I had to weed through my feelings on what was discontent because I felt that way and what was discontent because my mom kept trying to tell me things were messed up. What's her stuff and what's mine?

I was thankful for this conversation, because the next time I saw my mother, that same line came up again, and I was able to tell her quietly and kindly that I was okay with our relationship the way it was and I didn't feel like something needed to improve.

I haven't heard my mom use that line on me again now, and I'm very grateful for it. I still have some negative emotions surrounding my relationship with my mom, but now I've at least weeded it out that it was all supposedly up to me to make my mom feel better about our relationship. I'm only responsible for making sure I feel like I'm showing up in a good and loving manner, and make sure that I'm doing it for myself, not to assuage whatever guilt she has.