The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much for the replies Wolfie and Breakingfree... I'm just sitting here feeling so alone, I found an online chat but couldn't seem to find anyone to talk to, just a bunch of cliche's there.... I'm so scared, and I don't know what to do or where to start, I just want to wake up and find out this is just a bad dream. I think within this next week I'm really going to have to decide how much I'm going to put into this, I was going to give it my all, but when I don't feel he's giving much at all... when he goes from begging me to give him a chance to playing games on his computer instead of helping get supper ready for Easter... Then just sleeping instead of watching a movie with our kids like promised... I just don't know if I can be strong enough for all of this.
-- Edited by Riven on Sunday 8th of April 2012 11:08:35 PM
My husband is an alcoholic. Two years ago he passed out and flooded a large portion of a floor of a 5 star hotel with his face on the shower drain. Last Sept. he drove drunk the wrong way over a one way overpass and woke up in jail... and last Sunday he got drunk and took a girl back to his hotel from the bar, then slept with her after I called him and he lied to me. When he awoke he realized what he had done, but he was so drunk he let her make the decisions... like turning off his phone.
He works away from home 8 days every two weeks, he doesn't drink at home, I thought he quit, but I guess he's been not only drinking but also taking sleeping pills while at work, usually 2 pills and 10-12 a night.
We're starting couples counseling next week, going to go to Al-Anon, and he's doing outpatient rehab one day each week ( I think it should be more) he's trying to get a job at home, if he can't it's over. I can't trust him to be gone.
He's going through DT's and is acting like a brat. The first couple of days he tried so hard and made me feel like I was making the right choice but the last couple have been so hard on me, it's like I'm just supposed to get over it since he's going to actually get help this time. I can't even describe the whole inside of me. I know he didn't do it intentionally, I know it was because of his alcoholism but that doesn't make the hurt any less. How could he do this to me? I'm an honor student in a nursing program and in this one week my grades dropped an entire letter grade and I turned stuff in late. We have kids and everything at home... I'm strong, I've been through a lot in my life, but I'm not strong enough to fix me, support him, care for the kids, the house, and do school right now.
I need to talk to some people who understand, is there any hope? Am I wasting my time? He has a severe history of addiction and a bad upbringing from crappy parents who didn't care what he did or where he was. We worked so hard on our relationship for the last 9+ years... I just feel like walking away now is like giving up. But I know that I can't make it through another one of these. Because of what I do, I understand the disease from a medical stand point and a pyschological stand point. I've not blown up, I've broken down, I'm not even angry at this point, I'm just so hurt I can't function right but the rest of the world keeps moving. I can't understand it emotionally, how he could do this to me...
Please give me advice, I'm so lost.... no one understands what I'm going through.
Thanks for your share Riven. I think you'll find there are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through. Keep sharing, attend those meetings you mentioned, find someone you can identify with, make some friends, get some phone numbers so you can call people when you're feeling crazy. We have a saying in Al-Anon. You didn't Cause this. You can't Control this. And You can't Cure this. The three C's they call it. And isn't it funny that even with all the knowledge we may have, we still can't fix them. In my profession, I work daily with recovering alcoholics, addicts, etc. Yet do you think I can convince my brother who is 52 years old that its time to stop going to jail for drug-related offences and time to start taking responsibility for his life. All I can do is try to find ways to help me cope with the rollercoaster of emotions within me. I'm really glad you're here and hope you stick around for a while.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Hi and welcome to MIP. I hope you can find Al-anon meetings for yourself. I can relate to your share and after a year in Al-anon, I feel like a new person. I am sending you love and support! Also the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I am so very sorry for the terrible pain that this disease has caused you. I have walked in your shoes. The incidents are different but he cheating, the disasters the same. When I walked in the doors of alanon I was broken I knew I was powerless over this illness. I had tried everything and failed.
Alanon suggested that I attend face to face meetings, break the isolation and share my heart with those who understand as few other can. That I live one day at a time, develop a spiritual life and then keep coming back using the suggested tools as best I could,
I know this program saved my sanity and life I urge you to checkout the meetings, attend often get the literature and take care of you You are worth it
Aloha Riven!! is there hope? absolutely and I can answer that with all honesty because hope was one of the things I had completely lost and then my HP (Higher Power) manipulated and directed me into the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon. There is alot to sit and listen to and learn. You have already learned 2 aspects of the disease of addiction the med and psy however the physical and mental/emotional are not all of the levels. Get into the meeting rooms and you will come to understand the sociology of it, the relationship level of it which includes what it has done to Riven and how it did it with her help.
One perspective I learned early on was learning about the who I was talking about when I was judging and/or blaming "her". I was married to two women at the same time; "my wife" and "my alcoholic". Until I learned I never knew which one was present with me at anyone time and that was part of how I continued to go insane. Then I came to understand that part of me which participated in our disease...the enabler in me, of me, from me. Alcoholism and Addictions are complex conditions and since it didn't take you over night to get here it will not happen overnight that you arrive at the serenity and sanity we speak of in the program. "...alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with; family, friends, associates etc."
Welcome to the board and support that you get to the face to face meetings in your area as quickly and as often as you can. Keep checking back with us cause that will help us grow also. We don't give advise in the program and we do share our experiences, strengths and hopes with each other. (((((hugs)))))
You can do this. It ain't pretty. Some days just plain suck out loud. But it can get better.
You don't have to decide everything right now...one of the best slogans from alanon is "when in doubt, don't" my dad says "if you can't decide, then it isn't the right time to make a decision"
It's normal to want to throttle him..there's lots of good posts here about feeling totally exasperated with our As. There are strategies you can use to help you through this...so read through the archives...detach detach detach and focus on YOU.
if you can make it to a F2F meeting...the people there are a wealth of support...
hang in there sister...you don't know how strong you can be until strong is the only choice you have
I'm strong, I've been through a lot in my life, but I'm not strong enough to fix me, support him, care for the kids, the house, and do school right now. --------------------------------------- Hi, Of all the sentences you wrote, this popped out at me. Hmmmm, In Alanon we say, "keep the focus on yourself." So, what do you need? Well, you will have to fix you. I learned from reading all the books and face 2 face meetings that what I did wrong during my marriage is allow it all to happen without protesting. He thought HE had pressure? Shoulda been in my shoes and felt MY pressure. I got real angry until I realized I didn't need to be angry. I just had the anger to assuage the guilt that I felt when I put MY needs before his needs. Yes, I had 4 kids and a college degree that I was in the middle of getting so I put the kids to bed and did my homework when it was quiet from 10 pm to 2 Am. I didn't need his whining about needing me in his bed.
I pretty much left him to himself. He needed to grow up and do the responsible thing. Did I know what choices he would make? Nope. But he was making his choices all along anyway and I learned that since I didn't cause him to drink I couldn't baby him into NOT drinking. The only support he needed from me was a smile at the end of the day. If he didn't want it, I couldn't make him want it.
Care for the kids and the house? Of course, you want to do your best, but make priorities. You have been doing it all alone for awhile now. The house doesn't have to be perfect and the kids will understand as long as you are happy and can be in a good mood for them.
Thank you guys so much for all of the replies! As I'm sure you guys saw from the start, the night was terrible. It was the first night I finally got angry, I think he needed me to get angry to see how much I'm hurting because I am not an angry person. He will be the first to tell you I'm the most caring gentle person ever, and I didn't plan it, it scared me. He wasn't listening to me... I needed him to listen to me and he just kept dozing off, his "making me feel like he loved me" consisted of putting his hand on my back... I went to sleep on the couch and I took two steps and next thing I knew I was half on him half off the bed swinging. He needed it to see my hurt I think. Of course it only took about 5 seconds before I broke down.
There are Al-anon meetings in town 25 min. away twice a day. Should my husband go with me? Not go with?
He put in for a new job so we won't be working from home, which I think will be a big help, but that's not going to be an excuse not to do rehab stuff.
Historically I've basically been a single parent 8 1/2 days out of every 2 weeks while he's at work, so I'm used to having the work load and with school it was getting pretty heavy. He's taken medical leave for at least 30 days to work on rehab and get going on counseling. He really is trying, but it doesn't take back the lying or that night he cheated...
I hear you You are not alone in reverting to a physical attack
. AA meetings would be great for your husband to attend alone . Since you have 2 Alanon meetings a day available to you, it would be really beneficial for you to attend without him.
It is not that we talk about our partners far from it. We keep the focus on ourselves and share from our hearts. Theanonymity of the rooms encourage true honesty It works best when our partners attend their own meetings. Naturally if he wants to attend he is welcome You can both attend and see how it works
Please keep coming here and check out those meetings.
Riven, I can really relate. When I was in college, I went from the Dean's List to having to drop two classes and barely passing. The stress of living with an alcoholic was too much for me. My husband didn't cheat, but he did abuse me. I know it is so difficult to heal from being lied to, cheated on, etc. and all the other stuff that addicts tend to do. Your outcome is up to you, and I am not trying to tell you what to do. For me, after being in Al Anon for a while, I decided I wanted to leave. You will know when you know.
Al Anon is just for you. You probably need a safe place to share without your husband tagging along. Try it alone first, that is my advice.
I'm really inspired by you! One of my goals is to start nursing school in the next five years. Once you graduate, that is something no one can ever take away from you. You will be able to support yourself and your children, and have a fulfilling vocation and way to give yourself to the world. Focus on that instead of *his* recovery. I know it is tough, but with Al Anon and the wonderful souls you will meet at meetings, you will find new ways that WORK.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Everything everyone said above is perfect. Al-anon gave me the tools I needed to resist being manipulated into hope and then heartache again and again. Your road is a hard one, but it sounds like you have your head in the right place. I asked for help over and over from my HP-and hard as it was to believe...it came. Blessings to you.
-- Edited by alexmaui on Tuesday 10th of April 2012 09:52:06 AM
Ahh thanks Dolly. If you can get started as soon as possible, the wait lists can be long, and you can at least work on your gen eds!
We did joint counseling today. Didn't really cover much was a little disappointed, but we'll see how it goes. Got the AA and Al-Anon schedules, they run concurrent in the same building ( different rooms) so we can ride together ( we live 30 miles out of town). It's been a roller coaster ride for sure...
I attended a meeting on Wed. because I was about to have a break down again. It was the best thing I could've done. We are planning on attending meetings every Mon and Wed. for sure, and maybe more often. My husband went to AA next door.
