The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't have the same experience of a sober spouse I can relate to the bomb shell, I don't have any feelings for u. All I can say is keep going to your meetings keep working on u. I have two young kids as well. For me without the program I would b a nightmare for myself and them. Keep coming back regardless of what happens in my situation the kids and myself, we r going to be ok. Alanon had given me that gift.
-- Edited by Pushka on Monday 9th of April 2012 06:55:26 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
To say the least, Ive been through much in the last couple months
My AW has been sober for a little over a year with one slip last November. Battling pretty severe depression(which has been there as long as the alcholism and both pre-date me), she decided in late January to join an outpatient program for a couple weeks.
Two very significant things arose out of her attending this program She was diagnosed as Bi-polar and was started on Lamictal and also was encouraged to begin attending AA meetings. Miraculous is the only way to describe what the diagnosis, medication, and AA have done for her. As for how theyve affected our marriage, well, whats an antonym of miracle? About 2 weeks after feeling the effects of the meds/attending meetings she drops the bomb that, long story short, shes not happy in our marriage and that she doesnt have feelings for me. She also reveals that throughout our whole relationship, minus the first year honeymoon stage, shes had these doubts, but due to her drinking/depression she was never able to face them with a clear head.
So as Im writing, were about 2 months from this initial conversation. Although theres been a crap-load of twist and turns within this time, that I dont have the energy to even start listing, I can honestly say nothing has improved in terms of our relationship. Shes now more determined than ever to eventually end our marriage(did I mention we have to small children?).
Now I dont think Im looking for advice, but I would like to hear from anybody whos experienced something like this.
Thank you
(Ill just note that I have attended about a dozen Al-anon meetings, which have been extremely helpful so far.)
I haven't personally experienced this type of thing but I think going to Al-Anon meetings is a good idea. keep sharing that at meetings and eventually you will run into someone who has a similar experience.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Aloha Abram and welcome to the MIP board. I can relate and one of the things I learned is that alcoholism screws up a ton of stuff from the very first drink. Over time it gets progressively worse with the alcoholic, the partners and family and everyone who comes into contact with the disease. My ex-alcoholic/addict had years of drinking and using before we married so guess what the reality was? She didn't know and I didn't know who the real person was we were dealing with. Alcoholism (mind, body, spirit and emotions) becomes a habit as in subconscious condition...it runs without thinking and decision making after some practice so I had to be helped to the understanding that it was almost always that I was dealing with the disease which expecting white picket fence normalcy (that's a working definition of insanity). Truthfully she had absolutely no idea what was up or down, real or unreal, acceptable or not. When things were screwy the default solution was blow it up and divorce which came from a practiced alcoholic attitude and emotional system.
What I had to do was go find others in Al-Anon meetings and basically sit with them and request that they "teach" me. I've heard stories worse than yours and mine...much worse...which helped me understand that I was not alone and my alcoholic didn't have the solutions for herself, myself and ourself...she had to be sober and in active recovery for a long time before she found the solution to herself. I found the solutions for myself and just sometimes we found the solutions for ourself...everybit of it done with the program and our Higher Powers.
My suggestion is continue with Al-Anon. Get a power greater than yourself that you can lean on and a sponsor. Get literature and read it all. Learn the steps and start "walking" them. Put yourself on the top of the priority list and the alcoholic somewhere below and take this whole thing on just a day to day process. Lots to listen to and learn and I'm glad you got a head start on yourself.
You're alcoholic is your alcoholic and coming out of a long time foggy jungle...don't have any unrealistic expectations of her. She's sick.
Ya know...life just ain't fair. You can stick by your wife through thick and thin...and then...
I fell hard for someone who could not return my feelings. When he broke it off...it hurt SO MUCH. That I can relate to. Loss is loss...and it hurts.
You did not cause it, can't control it....step one...but you can get through it.
On the flip side, someone like you, who sticks by someone, who does the right kind of things, who cares deeply, deserves the kind of love that doesn't make you hurt...
You can get through this, one day at a time...and you will get to the other side (though not without a few scars)...
Thanks for all your replies. What Jerry F said, "...which came from a practiced alcoholic attitude and emotional system" pretty much sums it up. It's funny how easy we lose site of that fact and start believing we're dealing with a rational human being. How unbelievably different their[an alcoholic's] thinking works!! I think that biggest surprise through all of this is how the using is really a symptom of who they are.
I've been busy lately with work so I haven't been able to attend the daytime meeting in my city. I will definitely plan on attending another soon. It seems a given you'll get off track the longer you do not attend.
My AW has been sober for a little over a year with one slip last November.
I liked what Jerry said about '...coming out of a long time foggy jungle...'
The good news is she's looking for help but she's only 4 months away from her last drink ... just beginning to look at 'recovery', so I'd expect to be going on an emotionally roller coaster ride with her for awhile.
Many alcoholics tend to want to end a relationship after sobriety , to me it means that they are still blaming others for thier drinking , many of my friends with good sponsors have flat out been told ,Out of respect for the non drinker stay put and give sobriety a chance . I am assuming that you are not attending Al-Anon for yourself for everyones sake i hope you find meetings and fast , you too need to recover from the affects of someone elses drinking . Your wife has not been sober long I lovingly call early sobriety Stark Raving Sober - my husb changed his mind every 5 min . work on yourself find a program for you and get the focus off of your wife .. Oh we are still married me Al-Anon 23 yrs husb sober for 21 . Louise
What the other's said. You're not alone. I have had similar experience with an alcoholic bipolar- incredibly hurtful. His fears repeatedly played out in his head- even if there was no foundation for them- he would then make life decisions that were not reality based.
It's good that she's getting help- a positive beginning.
I agree that attending Alanon meetings, getting a sponsor, and focusing on ourselves does bring miracles.
Boy did this post resonate with me..my husb of 30 years decided not to stay married to me after being sober less than 2 months..any other thoughts on this? I was pretty surprised, too that a new girlfriend entered into the picture within a few months (he says 3-4 months..but not sure I am buying THAT one!! We do know that if their lips are moving..etc!!) Any more insight into this would be appreciated!
