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I have been doing really well and been feeling so strong, my acceptance has been great. Than last night I was lonesome and needed someone to hold me. I went over to my exAH's and it was nice and he was sweet. I however wish I could get my fulfillment some other way by someone else. I have not let anyone else in and it isn't just about sex, but that was our old cycle.
He is sick, I am dettached. I go months without hanging out with him and make it longer each time. My sponsor never gets down on me about it, like I think she might.. We are divorced and I know he is unhealthy and an A. We share kids and get along for the most part living our own lives and not overly involved in day to day. So what is my problem? Is falling back here and there normal? I have posted about this before and well it just bugs me the day after everytime. I am a moral person with integrity. I would never have a one nighter with anyone else.
My sponsor wants me to work on touch with other people and the idea freaks me out, haha, hugging people! I am not touchy and know I need to learn to be so as to not waiting until I need touch so bad I go back to my exAH. I keep thinking in 2 months after I move away from this tiny town and start dating this problem may solve itself. Any ESH is appreciated! Sending you all love and support on your journey's.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
There are non-sexual ways to enjoy touch. Massage, manicure/pedicure, petting an animal, playing with a child...well, that's all I can think of at the moment! You can always ask a good friend for a hug. I struggle with finding positive, non-sexual touch too, but am blessed to live in an area where $30 foot massage places are on every corner.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
as people say to me...stop being so hard on yourself...
familiar sex is just easier than strange sex...and frankly, we do it because it feels good...you are an adult after all....
what's the risk? for me, I can't have sex without emotional attachment...I'd love to be able to, but my heart gets all tangled up and I've learned I can't detach..and then I get hurt...so the risk is in sending mixed messages to yourself, and to your ex...that the relationship isn't over.
I do have friends who have casual sex, just for sex, with regularity. I'm not a person who can do that...
Only you can decide the cost/benefit...and whether getting your physical needs met in this way may be messing with your head and emotions, too.
I miss being held or touched too...and I understand about not being a touchy person as I am not either...but I was with him. You said the time between visits to your exah get further apart so good for you!! I think Dolly gave great examples of being touched without sex, and I had never thought about it that way. Thanks Dolly.
Breaking Free, I understand the temptation. I think many of us can miss even the bad stuff. But I agree that you'll have to figure out the cost of returning to your ex. I went back once and I realized that I could not heal and move forward until I opened my heart and mind to hope for my future, not my past. This effort IS taking a lot of time, but I ask my HP for help in doing the next right thing for me. Meanwhile, I got myself a very big dog. He's great and he needs a lot of attention--walking, training, feeding, grooming. He adores me, no matter what.
I WENT HOME FOR A VISIT LAST NIGHT TOO Because I just learned my father is dying AND MY SOON TO BE EXAH SIMPLY GRABBED A BEER AND ANNOUNCED IT WAS LAUNDRY NIGHT. NO HUGS OR KISSES FOR ME JUST MORE OF THE SAME OLD PATTERNS. WHEN WILL I EVER GIVE UP AND FINALLY HAND IT OVER TO OUR HP. I DON'T KNOW AND BARELY HANGING ON BUT ONE DAY ONE STEP AT A TIME. IT HAS GOT TO GET BETTER SOONER OR LATTER
My exAH was never so sweet when we were married and living together I assure you. This is him on his best behavior trying to get me back which has worked in our 15 year history. He is even trying to buy me alittle bit and I am not going for it. He has never complimented me this much or willing to hug and cuddle with me like this before and he could not sustain this if we were together daily, he has done this before. I divorced him and know I can not live with or be with him. For some reason I let myself get so lonesome and I go see him because he is like a comfy old shoe and when I am just there for a short visit far in between the other stuff is not apparent to me. I have gotten sporadic massages and pedicures, have kids I love on and a dog and cat. I think it's me fighting an old cycle. It is a part of me not letting go. I have girl friends and 2 different social groups I meet with weekly. I have a few part time jobs and work out now 3 times a week. I feel healthier than ever, but this one area I am having a struggle with. Any one relate?
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I do however right now all men (sorry guys .. this is me and where I am at ) are predators which is a pretty strong word. A lot has to do with my childhood history, where I am at the moment and how much I hurt over what has taken place in the past few months.
The letting go of the old dream for me is a big catalyst thinking that maybe just this one time it will be different. Maybe it is because I am however .. now I'm starting to see I get sucked into a bunch of bad behavior. It's not healthy for me and my AH is def not healthy.
It also keeps me from moving forward (again not that I want a relationship .. LOL .. the whole men are predators issue that I have to deal with) in a new relationship. It's safe, .. like an old blouse that I don't want to throw out. I know the history, I don't have to take any emotional risks and I can distance myself.
After I learn to be friends with myself .. I want to really work on just how to be a friend to others, .. specifically how to date and just date, be friends, have fun, not have to look at every man as a potential long term relationship .. I do miss reaching over during a movie to hold a hand (ever caught yourself doing that and you are alone at the movies? LOL .. that is an interesting story and a funny look from the guy sitting next to me. Completely unintentional poor guy.) I miss the hugs most of all. I'm learning I can get those and have them be safe. I do miss being touched though, I think about my own situation and realize it's been a long long time since I was touched in an appropriate loving way.
You work a strong program and I so look to you for where I can go from here, so it's all going to come together for you and this is just observation because we are all exactly where we need to be, when you figure out that you deserve more than a one sided relationship then you will be ready to let go and move forward. If you aren't ready to let go then you aren't ready to let go and that's ok .. you've been with one person for a really long time. Kind of like a bad habit in a way .. those things just don't stop and you have a lot of history with this guy as well as kids. It becomes emotionally complicated as it should, .. so be easy on you and stop beating yourself up because you aren't ready just yet to let go.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
