The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much to everyone that responded to my post from yesterday titled something like 'how many times can your heart break'.
I needed perspective, I needed support, and you gave it to me.
Last night I went home after work to a quiet, peaceful house with my two sweet baby dogs, and I thought about how lucky I am to have this peaceful place - with no irritable, non-working husband growling at me about something or other, or secretively sending e-mail messages, or leaving at 9:00 and returning at 4:00 drunk, the crazy-lawyer arguments - and I danced with my dogs, all by myself, in the middle of my living room floor. I danced, and I felt joy and thankfulness. I cranked up Dixie Chicks and listened to Truth #2, which inspires me:
"You don't like the sound of the truth coming from my mouth, you say I lack the proof, and baby that might be so, I might get to the end of my life find out everyone was lying, but I don't think that I'm afraid anymore, say that I'd rather die trying"
I am at peace because I will not hide from the truth anymore, as hard as it may be, and I absolutely have the strength to do it. And to feel joy in the process!
I just read your previous post and responses. How right on they were. My AHsober left the thirty year marriage. He has screamed divorce for eight years. He frequents bars and basically cut off all aspects of our relationship. Yes, he replaced me with other addictions, picking up women, new friends, computer games and who knows what else. I also live in a tiny, tiny town. It is embarrassing and I am left to answer the questions since he moved. We work for the same company and see each other at meetings occasionally. It sucks. We have three grown sons. I know it is about the disease and not really about me. But it hurts. In my darkest hour I think - what's wrong with me. I feel sorry for my sons that they don't have an intact family. How many times can your heart break? Daily but parts of my life get better. I think that it is the intimacy that I miss and don't have. Was he ever really sincere and really intimate?
So from the beginning I tried to take care of myself. I go to face to face meetings when I can (small town so I attend an AA meeting), I call my sponsor, I push myself to be self sufficient. I have quit asking my AHsober for anything. I am amazed that those who asked for the divorce have the same feelings that I have being the one left behind. So the good parts are: I make my health and wellness a priority, I work extra jobs and put money away in savings so I can leave this company and not work with him, I read the literature, I cry now and then, I am get really angry too. But this is all a sign healing.
The Dixie Chicks song would be a great comeback when he tries to get my goat. All the best to your recovery and healing.
