The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
haha, I used to say, "I apologize for this dark cloud following me." Sometimes, I couldn't keep it inside, I'm one of those 'feeling' types, who wears her heart on her sleeve.
I had no GOOD friends during my alcoholic marriage of 26 years because our friends were his drinking buddies, his professional colleagues. The acquaintances I met here and there, mostly from church, he wanted nothing to do with, they were too "dull" for him. I became extremely isolated and that became dangerous for me, my disease would get me alone, it turned into self-obsession, it fed me all kinds of negative thoughts (which I believed) and on some days, I just wanted to leave the planet. (Our disease is not different than an alcoholic, wanting to destroy us.)
I discovered al-anon here on this site, at MIP. I was pushed to go to meetings and eventually, someone in the chat room located the nearest meeting to me that very day. Completely desperate as I had exhausted years of counseling and a mountain of self-help books, I decided to go. I was completely shocked that I would feel such a close connection as I listened to people tell MY story. How could this be?! I was the only one with a luxury car in the lot. Yes, I was a snob, I was "special." I suffered from a dreadful superiority complex in addition to everything else.
I committed to one meeting a week - I certainly didn't want my lifestyle to be too inconvenienced (haha, my insanity) and I didn't want my precious image to be tarnished. Well, I didn't get anywhere too fast. After four months, I decided to get a sponsor and she really challenged me (and my disease.) Some days I didn't like the challenge, she totally pissed me off. She wanted me to go to 7 meetings a week to start, and then maintain 3-4/week after that. I seriously didn't want this to become my entire life. Then she asked,
"What kind of life do you have without it? How is what you're doing, working for you?"
It was certainly not the life I wanted.
Over the years, attending meetings has become a top priority. A new life with Higher power is everything to me, it is central to everything I do because like you, when I am alone with my thoughts, I start living in the problem again and I MUCH prefer to live in the solution. I prayed for girlfriends, and what I got was a whole living, breathing, worldwide fellowship! In 2010, I decided to go to the national convention in San Antonio, suddenly I had friends from around the entire world. We can actually spot one another in the airport, and have beautiful conversations together, it was soooo amazing!! I could NEVER have even imagined the wealth of friends I have now. I have the best friends I could ever ask for. And all I really had to do, was recognize my GENUINE PRIORITY.... suit up, show up and leave the rest to Higher power.
I hope it helps in some way. Take what you like and leave the rest. I know my journey is not unusual, it's just the way Higher power seems to work. ((big hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 9th of April 2012 12:57:05 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Remember the character from Charlie Brown who had the cloud of dirt around him? That's me -- only it isn't dirt, it is negative attitude.
I know it's HALT..but I had a meltdown last night...I'm SO tired, and can't keep up with the demands on me. This morning I'm feeling guilty..I don't want to be that person around my kids.
I see a counselor because f2f meetings are scarce here...and I have to drive 45 minutes to get to one. There is one on Sunday night...and I don't go because that is the day the kids come back from their dad's...maybe I will go anyway...
my counselor says I need to ask for help. Right. If I don't take the initiative, I don't think anyone would ever call me. Recently I told a friend -- someone I was very close to in the past...I told her that I was really struggling with depression. She told me she would touch base with me after her trip to Maui.She knows how serious my depression is...and I really expected her to at least start a chat on FB with me...She has been back for 2 weeks...NOTHING. So I reach out, take a risk but then... This makes me feel like no one cares about me, and that I am not worthy..HALT HALT
I have tried reaching out to friends...but the crazy professional life we all lead...everyone is crazy busy...and I am invisible..should I take this personally? or is this just our crazy lives..no one has time to connect with one another?
So -- 1) other than gratitude journal...I know, over time, i can work my way out of the HALT feelings stuff (I feel much better this morning)...but in the middle of having a meltdown (aka adult temper tantrum), what do you guys do at that point? or do you not get that way to begin with? (please tell me I'm not the only one who melts down!)
2) how do you make friends who will actually reciprocate caring about you? (return phone calls, etc)
please know that much of this is totally INTERNAL. On the outside I am a happy, energetic positive person...it's when I get home, and drop the facade, and am alone with my thoughts..that I feel terrible...
I can relate and I ran off a few friends with all my negativity and complaining. I once had a friend I walked with on a regular basis for years tell me change my sitaution or stop complaining about it while doing nothing to change it. WOW! She was right, but it was so hurtful and I just wanted someone to listen, I didn't realize they heard the same old sob story time and time again. I was stuck, depressed and didn't know it. I took everything my AH did and said personally and life was not good for me. I was a vicitm and miserable. I thought I was different then I was around people and had to do the steps with my sponsor to see myself with love, but more clearly. In the last year I have gone to regular meetings, met with my sponsor and gotten to step 10 and this is the best I have ever felt. I have a few great friends nad have lost a few along the way and even some family since the divorce, but I have accepted that and am at peace with it all. I am not saying you were like me, I am just telling you my story. I am now living outside of my head more than ever and I feel great. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It's been my personal experience that it's really hard to discuss my difficulties with people who are not in recovery.
I have lots of great friends outside of my Al-Anon meetings, but because they're not in recovery, they don't speak the recovery language and I can't quite connect with them in that manner like I can a fellow Al-Anon member.
Now, I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of my friends have probably all been touched in one way or another by the disease of alcoholism/addiction... but again, because they haven't sought recovery, they relate and react to things as an un-treated Al-Anon would... ie: how I would have done it before coming to the rooms of Al-Anon. So I don't necessarily find them to be great people to discuss recovery-related issues with as I'm often met with a lot of advice-giving, or "I wouldn't put up with that!" and that sort of thing.
I've found for me that having a sponsor has been a saving grace for me. She's that one person who's available to me for a phone call 24/7 - she knows life doesn't happen on a schedule, so she's willing to pick up that phone when I find I'm in a rough spot and need someone to talk to. She's moved to another island temporarily for a job she's working on, so we've really done all of our sponsor/sponsee work together long-distance. It's been working fine for me so far. While I do miss face-to-face contact with her, it's still great to hear her voice.
