The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night, I went to a face to face meeting. I stayed for the beginning meeting and topic meeting. I voulunteered to be a greeter, so that will help be more consistent attending meetings. The support and the slogans are really beginning to help. The slogans are changing from words on paper to helping me feel a sense of peace. I almost don't recognize feeling calm; that I start thinking is this serenity or depression. I feel like I am withdrawing from a life time of chaos.
I feel a sense of accomplishment when I am able to cross things off my check list of jobs that I am required to do at work, and also, a deep sense of pride that I am doing my job well. I feel so less distracted with obsessions and living in the moment. I want to enjoy this time and not think of "what if." Well I guess that is what "One day at a time" is all about.
I am confused about one thing: since at the time my husband aren't experiencing those dramatic highs and lows and all the emotional turmoil that goes with it... I am not sure what we are. At times I feel like roomates or good friends. Am I just looking for something new to worry about since it feels so strange not to have such highs and lows? Or has the years of fighting and making up taking its toll and our love has been lost. Not really sure.
I guess I will just keep asking my higher power to guide me and work my program.
It was very strange to me to feel calm, too. Pain can get so insidiously mixed up with passion (emotionally) that I, too, wondered if there was any passion left in me. It's still there, it just doesn't stop me from living life, taking care of myself, and passion has it's place in life. It does feel 180 degrees different from the anxiety and pain that I used to associate with loving some one. I hope you "keep coming back". The things I learned in AlAon f2f meetings first saved my life, then helped me learn to have a life worth living. I'm just back now because I got complacent and stopped going to meetings (moving, long period of peace). But my own character defects can still come back and bite me in the back side when I let working my program take a back seat. This time I'm back for life. I think of it like taking care of my physical self, what I eat, staying active in a healthy way. AlAon is my emotional diet and my mental and emotional gym. Hope it will be yours, too.
Hi Everyone