The material presented
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(((my friend))) I do relate. I never got any confirmation he was unfaithful, I just had very strong hunches, along with our marriage counselor. Anyway...
to me, it's all part of his disease of trying to fill that big empty hole in him, we all do it. However, an alcoholic just never gets enough of seeking the wrong kinds of "power." More, more, more! Think about it, a new relationship gives him the power to say, "look, nothing wrong here!" Deep down, he knows its' a lie. It's an illusion.
Poor guy. Poor girl, she has yet to discover how "great" it is to be in a relationship with him.
You've been there. Done that. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. For me, I am now on a new journey with Higher power, this is where the peace is, where real power is. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't care to look back....
When I allow myself to "think" along those lines.... I suffer. I have a thinking disease. For me, that thinking just feeds my low self-esteem by comparing myself, and believing in the outward appearance that he is well now and the problem was all ME. All of that is my own disease feeding me lies. I cannot allow myself to indulge in those kinds of thoughts.
Grab a meeting, grab your girlfriends and have some fun. Celebrate your life as it is today. Make a gratitude list of all the positives, focus on that and watch it grow. That's what works for me.
-- Edited by glad lee on Thursday 5th of April 2012 01:41:36 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I've been absent from the board for a little while because my computer moved out with my husband in early February. But I need some help working through my latest heartbreak, so I'm sneaking on my work computer. My AH husband moved out in Feb, after a 18 year relationship because I said NO MORE. This last weekend he told me "there is something I think you should know - I'm seeing someone". My first reaction was shock-gut punch. But then I thought - well, good. He is newly disabled, with a laryngectomy from 2 years back - a cancer survivor - a part of me is happy that he is discovering that he is still attractive, that life goes on. But then I realized that he's shacked up with her. And I felt devastated, nauseous. I can't figure out why. I don't regret my decision to end our relationship one bit. But now it feels as though the entire world has shifted under my feet. Like - how could he do this so quickly after our break up? And we live in a tiny town, and we haven't even finalized the divorce yet. In fact, I'm still waiting on him to get me vital information I need to submit the paperwork. It feels so disrespectful, like what we had meant nothing. I feel that - once again - I have discovered that he is not the person that I thought he was. I'm angry, tired, sick to my stomach when I think about it. But so angry. I gave so much to that man. I feel like I have just found out that I gave my heart and body to a black devil in disguise, and I feel disgusted, just disgusted. But why am I having such a powerful reaction, when I am at peace with my decision to end things with him? Is it because I don't know what to think about what came before anymore? My trust is in ruins. Please help me understand.
I don't know what's going on with your ex, but in my experience, people who move on quickly (2 months!? Really, dude?) tend to form shallow emotional attachments. Can't be alone, so they find anyone to fill the hole of shame and self-hate. Just pure speculation on my part.
I can understand it feeling weird for you. Like, if he could "move on" so quickly (and I don't think for a second this has anything to do with "moving on"), then it cheapens things.
I don't know why you are having the feelings you are, but they seem perfectly normal to me. 18 years is a long time to be with someone. Instead of thinking about HIM, why don't you make a list of all the stuff you do not miss about being with him? (I did the same and quickly filled up 5 pages!) And pray for that poor woman he's with now. And him. And yourself, too. :) Be gentle, this too shall pass.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
So sorry you are going through this. In my opinion and experience a's are disrespectful, and self centered. All he's worried about is having someone to make him feel good about himself. It's unhealthy, irrational behavior, and we know that's typical of a's. Don't worry wether or not the last 18 years meant anything to him or not. They don't think like us, it's like they are on autopilot. Just going through life with there addiction, and whatever crazy mess they make along the way is not their problem. Remember that your higher power loves you, thinks youre special, cherishes you when nobody else does, sees all the good in you and wants the best for you.
thank you thank you thank you glad lee and Dolly Llama, it is helping already a little. I immediately started making my list of stuff that I don't miss. this is helping. I have a a thinking disease too. Please, keep the responses coming, it is helping just to hear from you!
Thank you greener grass. It is still just hard for me to truly realize that so much of the person that I have known was THE ADDICT. I always made such excuses for him. I was a very good codependent.
My ex moved on quickly as well. It was shocking but I didn't let myself wallow in it, I was determined to be the best me I could. Focused on getting my degree, working on myself and my kids, going to counseling, avoiding relationships until I'd worked on me and building a new base of friends.
He found a girlfriend, moved her and her kids in with him and my kids within 6 months of the split, married her 6 months later, divorced her 1.5 years later. It was like watching a train wreck. Now he's doing with his new girlfriend what he did with me. Found someone at a distance so she doesn't get to see him often to find out what he's really like.
I feel sorry for these ladies. He was a dry drunk with me for 15 years, now he's on and off again active drinker and has been since we split.
It's hard because it's the confirmation this is over. Allow the feelings, but then focus on something else. Hugs.
The other thing that I am feeling is ANGER. I thought I'd gotten over this poison, but I have not. I just want to hurt him. But I know that this is ridiculous - my mind tells me that it won't matter, and I would just feel badly about it, that I would regret my own behavior. But I still feel the awful demon of hurt and anger take over and I want to HURT HIM. I hate this feeling.
Your post so resonates with me on so many levels. I know for me I don't want the man my AH is back .. it's the rejection for me .. it's so about the rejection that some how there was something wrong with me that someone else will know how to fix him. (Now .. rationally I get that is not true) the distance from my head to my heart is the longest 18 inches that any one healthy or unhealthy programming has to travel. It all takes time.
Right now I'm really really really really trying to keep the focus off of my AH and put it back on me, so I can continue to get healthy. I so understand the bouts of anger, the bouts of wanting to know my AH hurts or at least gives a darn that I am a fellow human being and not some kind of Teflon Patty that has no feelings. I DO hurt about watching my relationship with him die. The idea he's already moved on and just stuck whatever we had or didn't have into some compartment and locked the door. I hate what it's doing to our children and the fact that other children are involved in this situation.
Then .. I have the rational thoughts that he's so sick that he can't possibly grasp what is happening to him or what he's doing. He is just as powerless over his addiction as I am, he has also been affected by it. Making decisions and choices from his broken mind are about as useful as me thinking I can cure him or another person can cure him. That's not how this disease works. As far as this rebound relationship usually 2 - 3 years that's about it for these kinds of relationships. It is a rare one that goes further than that.
This is so not about you anymore than what's happening in my life is about me. It's about sick thinking, sick rationalization and all I can do is fix me and my own confused behavior. All I can say is it takes a LOT of time to heal and I know I'm not even close to being there .. at least I know I will get there and I am so much happier than I was 6 months ago. I am certainly happier than I was 3 months ago. It doesn't mean I don't hurt over what has transpired and wonder did he ever have any kind of feelings for me at all?
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is why they say the al-anon often looks sicker than the alcoholic. They act and we react. This is what headlines are made of, in my opinion, and that's why we need to treat our disease too.
I soo understand. And grateful, that today I am not sitting behind bars. Somehow, by the grace of God, I found al-anon.
Take your anger (just one letter away from Danger, my friend) and bring it to a meeting table. I have never shared at a meeting where I didn't feel much,much lighter afterwards. It's the best weight-loss program there is.
Vomit it all up, and get all the poison out. That's how healing began for me.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
the now ex A was incredibly disrespectful to me when I split up with him finally. He sold a picture of me being absolutely insane to other people. I'm sure he kept that up. He also felt entitled to everything.
I think the expectation that a sick person will act sane is what is off.
The ex didn't in theory run off with anyone else but I always felt his friends and in particular one really really disrespectful friend was betrayal. In fact his disease and his not choosing to treat it was the betrayal.
I had to work really hard to detach, detach and detach some more. Right now I have no contact because he is vividly in his disease.
I love what others shared! I am practicing not engaging in their disease; and I am being given plenty of opportunities, as he pops up and sees if he can get a reaction. He is a well rehearsed manipulator and controller.
Having a quick replacement is for their ego- I feel sorry for the replacement because I know what lies ahead. They'll receive the same treatment or worse. From my experiences, the replacement isn't special to them. It's easy to take their choices personally when expecting that their thinking makes sense.
Bringing the focus back to ourselves is hard work- one day at a time.
I know, also, from watching the disease and watching myself that rebounding into a relationship quickly after another one has ended is a sure sign of someone who's not happy with themselves and has not learned to appreciate their own company. Speaking personally, when I seek out someone immediately after another relationship its because I'm trying to cram that new person into my God-shaped hole.
When I divorced, I promised myself I wouldn't even consider dating for at least a year. I knew without a doubt I had to get to a place where I really loved and appreciated myself, and had to also spend some serious time re-evaluating how I define a relationship and what my role in a relationship is supposed to be.
Rebounding is sick behavior, to be sure. Be grateful you're recovered enough not to go the same route as your ex.
I know that doesn't take the shock and the hurt away, but I promise it does diminish over time. This, too, shall pass. (hugs)
This is the kind of thing that people do when their reaction to difficult emotions is to paper them over with some kind of distraction. Like, alcoholics. If he could actually feel the feelings and process them, he wouldn't be an alcoholic and you'd probably still be together. It's another sign of his sick nature.
We all also have the feelings of, "What if their relationship is great -- what if he can be a good partner and now I've missed it?!" But realistically there's no chance of that without his doing an enormous amount of work on himself beforehand.
That poor woman is in for a bad ride. I'm afraid that her emotional health does not seem promising, if she would move in with someone lickety-split -- she can't know much about him. She's in for the same suffering. And so is he.
You, on the other hand, are free and able to process things. Feeling sad is a sign of health. Being unable to bear feeling sad at any cost is a sign of dysfunction. Of course it hurts. That's because you're doing the feeling. Hugs.
Thank you all SO MUCH. You have helped me tremendously. I love what you said Mattie: "Feeling sad is a sign of health", and "being unable to bear feeling sad at any cost is a sign of dysfunction". It just helps me to know that maybe all this pain is for something. It is helping me to heal and move on. It takes it out of the context of feeling more pain about him . . . I don't want him to be able to hurt me anymore. I am truly thankful for all of you that responded to me today - I really needed it. I'm sending out my blessings to every one of you.
The other more likely answer is that the relationship meant so much to him that he has to try and replace it and find a substitute to try and fill your shoes.
Try not to make assumptions that diminish you when, in fact, the opposite assumption is actually MORE likely.
Glad you are came back here to post! I know I tended to obsess about my exAH and what he was doing when I first left him. I was barely able to get the things done that needed doing and was almost paralyzed with fear. Over time I dealt with the sadness and anger and got back to me. You are going through the motions and it is normal. I hope you can dive into Al-anon meetings and your program to help you get through the end of your marriage. My sponsor was a life saver for me and still is. I never knew I would be feeling as great as I do a year ago and now I know I made the right decision regarding my divorce. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Feeling sad is a sign of health. Being unable to bear feeling sad at any cost is a sign of dysfunction.- Mattie
I soooo, needed to read this today. When I told my AH today that I wanted a divorce, he had no reaction. I sobbed, he just breathed in the stillness of the moment. I don't think he has the capacity right now to feel how a normal person would feel. I won't be surprised if he looks for someone soon (if not already) to fill the place where I was. So sad to have to be a party to this dysfunction. Iris, we just need to work on ourselves and stay on our side of the street- as painful as that process might be right now.
