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If it were me, I would just send all that up to my HP. If he finds a way to get around the locking device, well, that is his party. Karma will settle up with him sooner or later. Watch what he does, not what he says. San Diego has had a lot of DUI checkpoints lately. Instead of driving yourself batty wondering if he's setting himself up to drink again, having unproductive conversations about the marriage, etc., do what you need to do to find some peace in your life. Lots of Al Anon meetings worked for me. You're in a tough spot...I know it's hard to not worry yourself about his drinking/not drinking/what he will say in counseling, etc. But focusing on HIM is at the expense of your own serenity.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Wednesday 4th of April 2012 03:45:32 PM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chφdron's When Things Fall Apart
Please share your opinions on how you feel about this. There's a part of me that wonders if my AH is trying to find ways to drink again and there's a part of me that believes he is just thinking of ways to minimize the frustration of the ignition interlock device. I posted this on another forum and most of the folks there were convinced that AH is looking for his next drink or opportunity to drink.
I need to vent. My AH is going to court finally for his DUI, the date is April 20th. We live in AZ and he will most likely do jail time, possibly with work release. He will also get an ignition interlock device.
I have been an emotional wreck for the past year of our marriage. He was extremely depressed last year and I had finally gotten to the point of being drug down to his level and was feeling hopeless about our marriage. He finally hit his bottom when it comes to the depression and got help, getting put on 2 anti-depressants. He was already drinking as self-medication but it wasn't out of control. Once the anti-depressants started he got out of control with the alcohol and would have dangerous binges. So, I'm sitting here getting over my anger and resentment regarding the DUI and the drinking and then he throws out the fact that the lawyer is giving him all kinds of 'suggestions' as to how to get around the interlock device(IID). All I have to say is; UGH!!!
His lawyer said he can just buy a beater car and put the IID in there, but that would mean that he would be driving his car without the IID. If his parole officer finds out or if he gets pulled over for ANYTHING, he could risk having his license revoked, having more time added to the IID, and possibly going back to jail. So, why would his lawyer make it sound like this is a viable option? And, why does he think I'd be OK with it? I will not support him circumventing the law! You'd think the lawyers would be honest to some degree. My AH also works in CA about once a month and needs to rent a car. The car rental company has his license on file so his lawyer told him he should be fine renting a car even with the IID restriction. Again, seriously? He was pulled over a few years ago in San Diego for not wearing a seat belt, don't we all think that something like that could happen again? One simple moving violation or even a minor fender bender(not even one he causes) can send him to more penalties, etc. This whole thing is driving me crazy.
He also made the point that I am will be married to an ex-con. He just has to be the victim and try to get me to think like he does. I hadn't even given that a thought but the way he says it, it sounds like I'm married to Manson. We've been trying to have conversations about our marriage but it just seems like we both walk on eggshells around each other. He said that he is trying sooooooo hard to change his personality so that he doesn't offend me with his sarcasm and cynicism, and I told him I'll work on being less sensitive to his remarks, comments, etc. I am still sitting on the fence about going to marriage counseling because this DUI thing is really dragging me down and it may not be very productive. He also said that if we went to counseling that I should be prepared to hear things that I don't want to hear? HUH? UGH, I just feel like I'm married to the master manipulator but I see glimmers of hope and he professes his commitment to our family and to remaining sober so for now, I will continue to work on me and work on our relationship.
Ditto what Dolly says. You aren't responsible for his choices or the lawyer's choices. It's clearly a bad idea, but he's an adult and is still engaging in bad decision making. Unfortunate but not your issue. Hugs.
I so understand where you are coming from especially since this directly impacts you financially. I also agree .. you can't be the drink police.
Keeping the focus on what he will or won't do isn't helping your health in the least. He's either going to drink or not .. what are you going to do?
It totally comes back to the whole part of what are you going to do? Right now you don't have to have the answers. there is no perfect answer where he's not going to drink because you do blah blah or say blah blah. You are not going to know the outcome either (this is the one I'm having the hardest time struggling with right now). It would be nice to have the guarantee if I do this or that then this is the outcome.
Keep coming back and know no matter what you have a family here at MIP and within your rooms at Alanon who really don't care what your AH is going to do or not .. we care about YOU and how you are getting healthy. AH is a big boy and he's going to have to deal with the consequences of his own actions.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you rrib, you're absolutely right! I think my issue is that he will ask me to support his decisions and will try to drive our son around, etc illegally and all I see in the future is more discord between us. I think that's why I am so caught up in it. I know how he operates and I know that I will get caught defending my actions, which will be law abiding, lol and he will just do what he wants to do whether it is legal or not and he'll have all kinds of justifications for it, too. Maybe I'm just preparing how I'm going to set boundaries for what I foresee in the future? It's really been on my mind a lot mainly because setting boundaries is totally new to me, but I am going to need stuff like this to challenge me and to test me.
For myself, if my AH were driving my kids while drinking - I'd call the police, have them handle it and pick up the kids. Not a pretty way to do thing but I'd rather have my kids alive than spare them that discomfort. Outside of putting your kids in harms way, the rest is his responsibility 100%.
