Do I stay? - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Do I stay?

srn2 · Member

My fiancé has been sober for over a year. The last time he drank was when I was gone overnight. Well I had my best friends bachelorette party on Saturday and I return Sunday to a drunk. Of course he becomes extremely angry, blaming everyone but himself saying awful things. It is very ugly. Everything from give me back your ring to insults. I called his mom to come over and it just gets worse. He called a friend to pick him up and left and returned a half hour later and apologizes and moves on with the day. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. We get along so well, have so much fun, and enjoy being together. But now I feel like I am starting all over again. How an you just move on and pretend nothing happened? I am hurt by what happened and the things that were said. He said he is sorry and we need to move on and stop thinking about the past. I am so confused. I don't know if I can stay here. He is not continuing to drink, when this happens it is always a one time thing. But the things that were said were hurtful and even if he says he didn't mean them I am afraid there is some truth to them. People who don't have a AF or Ah don't understand the situation and think its so easy to leave. But I know who he is without the drink. Please help.

Auntyaya · Senior Member

Please think about an AlAnon meeting..this mysterious disease is too much for anyone to understand on their own, particularly when our view is skewed by love. I know that you know who he he is without the drink, but alcoholism is a progressive disease and if you make the choice to stay with him, you must educate yourself on how the progression can play itself out. Your BF knows he has a problem with alcohol..what is he doing to address it...AA? Just another thought..if you are not married to him you must consider if this is the life you want for yourself..if this is the home you would want to raise a family in....I am NOT trying to scare you..just want you to try to look at the future and how YOU want to live....The fact that you are reaching out shows that you knowo there is a serious problem...GOOD FOR YOU for having the courage to face it and not bury your head...

Shelliebear · Member

This is a tough one for everyone, I think. You never really forget things, or start over--you take what you've been given and learn to accept it. With insults, you don't forget. They stick to you like glue. But you learn to accept them, accept the context in which they were said, and to move on. Time heals the wounds.
As for the truth to the insults...it's difficult to say. Alcohol twists the signals the brain sends when someone wants to talk. They could have something they want to say, and say it poorly, like word salad. On the other hand, I think it can also cause some verbal diarrhea--somebody saying things that they don't think about. It seems this is especially true in emotional situations, even more commonly in those that bring anger. There may be truth to what he says. He may blame others for some things, but he may not do it in the way he says he does when he is intoxicated. Somebody can think I'm unattractive with my hair up, but if they were to say it, they might say it kindly, in a constructive manner, or not say it at all. Add alcohol, and that thought could turn into "You always look unattractive", even if they were thinking the first thought. Alcohol twists words. It twists emotions. It makes people different because of this. I know you know this, I'm just reiterating for clarity, and to myself, I think. We all need to remember it every once in a while.
So, I guess, above all, I think it's unlikely in your situation that he meant the nasty things he said. He may have felt something similar, and when he got angry and intoxicated, he voiced it incorrectly. I wouldn't take the things they say when they're drunk personally. Do remember that the behavior is unacceptable, but that it probably carries no weight. Don't let it ruin your relationship. If he gets help of some kind, and stops drinking, he will likely never say these things again because he doesn't honestly feel the way he said he did. You know him when he's sober. That is who he truly is.
Remember too that drinking every once in a while is still unacceptable if inappropriate behavior follows. Alcohol affects everyone differently. It affects most people negatively, and these people should not drink (though I think nobody should, these people, most of all, should avoid it). It doesn't matter if it's once a year on Christmas, the behavior that follows is unacceptable, and thus, the cause must be eliminated.
He's not himself when he's on the drink. Don't judge him by what the bottle does to him. Rather, encourage him to not drink at all, like what you probably already do, and remember above all, you are not responsible for his choices. It hurts,and we are likely to blame ourselves even when there was nothing we could do...but it is still not our fault. You cannot change him, and you cannot make him stop drinking. You can encourage him and support him. If you choose to go out and he drinks, it is not your fault. You have to live your life, too.
Please keep me updated when possible. I wish you the best of luck.
(((hugs)))

GreenerGrass · Senior Member

Oh boy, I can relate to this. When the cats away the mice will play. This has happened to me, and it's very hurtful and you feel betrayed. I must say it may be a very good thing that you got to see this side of him before you got married. Being marriied makes leaving so much more difficult because of the emotions that go into joining your life with another, not to mention the legalities. It's a commitment and most people feel vary wary of breaking their commitments. There really is no hurry to get married, it should be something you can do without doubts. We never know the future but right now you have some very justifiable doubts. Like others said, it gets worse. Sometimes worse than you ever imagined. My husband is an alcoholic and recently thought it would be a good idea to do meth., and almost died. It gets worse, no doubt about it. Alcoholism takes that person you fell in love with as a prisoner. They are no longer there for you, no longer an equal partner,actually they turn into somewhat of an enemy. The disease will destroy even the strongest love. Right now you have the opportunity to set a major boundary by saying drinking is not ok with you. Because Once they feel the storm has passed and nothing really bad happened to them, it's that much easier to do it again. We can't tell you what to do because breaking up is hard, but I think most of us wish we had done something different with the warning signs we had early on in our relationships.

srn2 · Member

Thank you all for the comments. I am going to have a discussion with him tonight and hopefully figure out our future. I do not want to leave or to break up, and it will be very hard to do. However if we decide that it is best, I guess I will have to move on.

It is so hard to be in this place.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think al anon ever asks anyone to pretend it didn't happen.

Naturally it is very upsetting to deal with someone acting out as your boyfriend did.

I can tell you that the al anon tools of detachment, setting limits and looking to my own needs put such behavior in perspective. I stopped taking it all personally does that mean I permitted it. I dont' think so.

Alcoholics can be extremely engaging, personable, sweet, kind and loving. They can also be mean, nasty, vicious and forgetful. Those go with the territory of being around someone who slips and slides. I used to take it all as very very personal to me. In fact they were pretty much like that with everyone.

Get the book Getting them Sober if you can. Then your expectations of what can happen will be realistic.

Maresie.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadly there are a lot of relapses with this disease. Is your fiance working a program, i.e. AA or another formal program? Even with a program there can be relapses, but trying to stay sober without it (for an alcoholic) -- well, the odds are against it.

In my experience, it's very hard to move on when you don't know if it will happen again. And if he's not working a program, with a sponsor and frequent meetings and everything it involves, the chances are great that it will happen again. They say it won't. Because part of the disease is that they believe that their willpower is enough to stop it. The disease distorts people's judgment. So when you talk to him, he'll say "It won't happen again." Now, that may be true. Or it may not be true. The problem is that what he says is not a reliable guide to the truth. Because he doesn't know the truth himself. That's why we have to watch what they do, not what they say.

What I wish someone had asked me, early on, is, "If you knew this was not going to change, what decision would you make?" Because I hung on for years believing every day that change was just around the corner. I went ahead with all kinds of serious plans believing that change was coming. I invested so much in getting past all his drunkenness, because I thought it would pay off in the end. It had to, because I had been waiting so long -- that was my thought.

If I had it to do over, I would have waited until I saw the changes before going ahead with anything. That would have meant making sure that the changes were longterm. My alcoholic finally entered different programs at various times (after insisting for years that "He had stopped, it wasn't a problem.") Sadly, he didn't enter rehab until the law required it after a DUI. Then he relapsed, then he entered AA. Then he relapsed, then he went back to AA. Then ... I'll spare you the rest of the saga. He is still drinking. AA was abandoned many years ago. Some people don't like when I mention the statistics, because it sounds discouraging. But the statistics are that of alcoholics who go into recovery with AA (not the ones who don't even start), somewhere around 25% achieve longterm sobriety. Around 75% do not. That still means thousands of people who achieve longterm sobriety. But those statistics show the seriousness of the disease. The alcoholic may underestimate it, but we shouldn't. In my experience, it's best to be sure the longterm sobriety is already in place before going ahead with any serious plans. Promises are cheap. Confidence is cheap. Actually achieving sobriety is golden.

I hope you can find a meeting, read many threads here, get the literature, and learn all you can. The disease causes so much insanity that our own thoughts get distorted too without our even realizing it. When we go into recovery for ourselves, the steps forward seem much clearer. Keep on taking good care of yourself.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

This is my experience...I am not about to tell you what you should or should not do. Just one person's story.

I dated my husband on and off for a few years before we married. The "off" times were prompted by the horrible things he would say or do when he was drinking.

The last time we reconciled, he came through my town and we met up. He seemed a changed man. It was really, really amazing. I thought my prayers had been answered. He said (and I really believed) that his drinking was "under control" since he got the promotion at work he had been gunning for.

From there, we dated long distance for a while until I decided to move cross country to be with him.

Once I got there, I saw that his drinking had not changed at all. In fact, it was worse. The behaviors that were previously restricted to when he was drunk turned up while he was sober now. He frequently put me in unsafe situations and became verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. Afterwards, he always pressed me to move forward, the past is the past, take it one day at a time. It was always about him and his emotions. It took me 2 years of being married to face reality and stop believing that he could ever be sober without working a program like AA or going into treatment. And the emotional damage he caused me was frankly too much to where I don't think I can ever trust him again.

Had I known he was still actively drinking, I would have never moved or married him. But...had I not married him, I also would not have found Al-Anon, which has changed my life like you wouldn't believe.

Marriage is tough enough as it is. Throw in an addiction, and it becomes darn near impossible. Too much for most people. I went from being on the Dean's List to nearly failing my classes. My self esteem plummeted. I spent my days anxious, afraid, and overwhelmed. The cost I paid to marry an alcoholic was very high.

So, I caution you to consider very deeply if this is the sort of life you want. I still love my husband, but I hate his addiction. Being married to an addict is like standing on a bridge with a rope tied around you both. When he jumps, you are either going down with him, or you can untie the rope. I decided the most loving thing I could do for him, and myself, was to give him a wide berth to either drink himself to death or find his way into an AA meeting. Now I know that sobriety is not a promise or even a word...it is demonstrated by action. There is no harm in taking time away for yourself. See what he will does for a long while, before you marry.

I wish you the best.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can find a face to face Al-anon meeting in your area. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

WornOutMrsFixIt · Senior Member

Amen, GreenerGrass!!!!!!

srn2 · Member

Thanks everyone.
He has been to rehab (he went because he wanted to) and has been sober for over a year before this last relapse happened. He also does have a sponsor and sees him everyday. I am looking for a meeting location however I cant seem to find one in my town.
Thanks for the support. We are moving forward at this point.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you're both moving forward on your recovery. That's so important.

I'm just adding from my own experience. My AH would say, "It's 18 months since I stopped drinking." And I'd think, "Except for that time when..." And then he'd say, "I haven't had a drink for two years." And I'd think, "Except for those two times when..." In other words, he counted his sobriety from the time he first time he stopped, because he thought the relapses were over with and didn't count. But they became so traumatic for me, I had to start the clock over again with each one. In my own case, that turned out to be the right thing to do. I'm probably not being very clear, so what I'm getting at is that what you know now is that he can be sober a year and then start drinking again. So now the clock has restarted. There's certainly no hurry to make a decision as to whether his sobriety is "for good" and you should move forward as if. So, if my experience is any guide, do take your time. Sending you best wishes.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, the clock does start over with a relapse. He has not been sober over a year. He's been sober a few days. Other than that, he didn't lose everything he learned in the time sober. He did lose the sobriety date though. Continuous sobriety is the goal.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.