The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm back home again. I arrived home to a beautiful front yard, flowers in the house and a peaceful environment. I don't know what the future holds but I know I'm right where I'm supposed to be.
I've also complicated the relationship between my AH and my family. My parents have always been where I went when I needed help. So when I showed up at their door 2 weeks ago it was because I needed their love and support.
Except now, because I went back, I won't be spending Easter with my family. I reached out for help because I knew that things between my AH and I were not good. A definite pattern from the day I got engaged is that unless it's negative about my husband my mom does not want to hear it.
My AH commented that all my friends and family don't need to know what is going on between us. All my friends don't but I've always talked to process things. I have close girlfriends who I have always gone to when I'm trying to make sense of things. These are the same girls who this time around have all been amazing.
My mom apparently gave my Aunt information. My Aunt stated that she is not as forgiving as I am and she does not want to see him. I calmly accepted that she felt this way as she stood talking to me. She went back to my mom and said I was angry with her. Fortunately my Dad was sitting in the room as the conversation was being held and he told my mom that I was in no way shape or form angry.
I'm aware that I have to change how I process hurt frustration and anger with my AH. I need to set up a meeting with my sponsor and walk through this. I need to not share with my mom. She said she doesn't want me to shut her out but the truth is she shuts me down if I say anything positive about my husband.
What this boils down to is that minus the alcohlism I married my mom.
You know Jackie something I have discovered through alanon is I grew up in an alcoholic family without the alcohol until later in my teen years. In some ways I had already been groomed for the behavior. So I wouldn't be so fast to discount the alcoholism behavior. While she may not be a drinker, .. she may have grown up and been affected by the disease of alcoholism and it's something that could have gone back at least one or two generations. It has helped me understand and have compassion for my mom and how she grew up, it was a VERY controlled environment. Grandma had a lot of different issues and it def manifested in many different ways. I can see now though the lack of coping skills that came out of my grandma's situation as well as my mom's.
I'm glad you feel good about your decision to move back home and I am sending lots of love and support on your current journey!!! Keep coming back it makes all the difference in the world I always get so much out of your shares!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Jackie, I did the same as you, I went to my family for support. I learned the hard way, that it is so much better for me to just keep my problems within my al-anon group, they let me process in a healthy way by ONLY giving me their ESH, they do not tell me what to do, they do not manipulate me to do what THEY would do, they let me be where I am. When I don't stay with the group, I find that I'm going to the hardware store for bread.
God gave me the fellowship as a gift, that's how I see it. There are people in this world trying to stay in God's will, that's where I want to be too.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sending you so much support! This really is a family disease and affects so many people. I, too, eventually made the decision to share almost exclusively with Al Anon friends and my sponser. It just made things simpler and took the pressure off of me. I love how we learn and grow throughout this process. Enjoy your peace. You deserve it!
glad lee said "there are people in this world trying to stay with God's will" That makes so much sense to me now because so so so many people are trying to push their wills. I was one of them a year ago. I mean, I had such a perfectly little molded life that I thought that's how life went so it made perfect sense that you nag more, you talk more, you push more, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you pry, you eavesdrop, you get in others' business.. eventually they will all do what I want and the world will be how I want it to be again.
But lucky for me, I was introduced to al-anon and now I have new methods and they mainly involve just accepting God's will for me and they include really taking step 1 every day. I am powerless over my Mom and her emotions and her thoughts and her words. I am powerless of my husband and what step he is on or what he is doing with his recovery today. What I do have power over is myself!! so its about praying for guidance on many things because, amazingly, the answers do come.
I talk to my Mom a bit about my husband, though she does not understand, I think she has accepted more so that this is a disease and also that he will potentially never drink again, which seems to make her more sad than him being in rehab. Does not make sense but again, like Pushka said, I have to look at the generations. She comes from a long line of untreated al-anon Mothers. My Mom's grandfather was an alcoholic. I see it all clearer now why it is the way it all is.
Jackie, you have faith in yourself and in your higher power, whatever that is to you. Rely on your higher power and find yourself some grace within. You reach out to the fellowship and that is a strong quality, not a weakness. I know its sad at times, the drama, the tornadoes people who do not have programs stir up. I am just so unbelievably grateful that I have mine. Glad youre here and you have yours!!!
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I learned that when someone offers me advice... I immediately ask, "Is that what worked for you??"
Because if they don't have ANY experience with what I'm dealing with, either an alcoholic spouse... or divorce... or whatever it is they are advising me about... they are NOT walking my walk, they are NOT in my shoes. They are not speaking from experience, therefore they are not qualified.
I knew my family hated to see me suffer. But that is between me and my Higher power. If they have advice on how to walk me back to Higher power, then I'm all ears.
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I lived with an alcoholic/addict for more than 7 years recently. I think it was very difficult for people to hear both sides of the story. While he could be sweet, loving animal loving, kind, engaging and more he was also self destructive.
I know it was also hard for his family and friends to hear both sides of what I did, be sweet, kind and also raging. There were two sides to both of us.
I do know that seeing a counselor helped, having a sponsor helped and coming here helped. I also know today that when I am up against a wall around people who I feel are not meeting my needs I have to work on me not them. I can detach from them. I don't have to change them inform them or teach them anything.
But I do have to honor my needs for today. Sometimes I do get my needs met and other times I don't.
The best thing is that I took the responsibility for meeting my needs back to my responsibility 100%.
