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Thanks T.H he did say that it was a wake up call for him. I really thnk it was and know he was very scared about going into rehab. I guess I'm just frustrated with his reaction that he now won't entertain any form of help at all. He told me I either need to get that into my thick head or (sorry) xxxxx off! I think he sees himself as better than the people he saw at the rehab centre as they were probably further down the line in terms of what they had lost and their physical dependence. You are right though, it could be him in the future. It is exactly what happened to his father too. I'm sure out of pure willfullness he is not drinking right now and I'm sure he is finding it really challenging and hard. What I find really hard to take though is the anger amd nastiness towards me. He doesn't speak to anyone else about this so am the only person he can vent at. I literally cannot say anything right. If I ask him how he feels I am patronising him and if I talk about anything not do do with his detox I am not understanding that he can't deal with anything else but his detox. He tells me it would be easier if I was at the house with him but each time I speak to him he is awful. If I'm honest I don't really want to go down as I know it is not going to be pleasant and while he is in this frame of mind I really don't know how much it would help. He keeps saying I haven't got a clue what he is going through. I have responded saying he's right I can never fully understand but this is exactly why he needs support from people who do understand but he is refusing to do this. It's so frustrating and I am really nearing the end of my patience with him. I can see exactly where this is going at the moment he is going to be a dry drunk ie not drinking but behaving exactly the same if not worse because he doesn't have the alcohol to numb the pain and will not entertain any kind of intervention of support. I do really want to support him through this but just don't know how.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 2nd of April 2012 06:51:25 AM
There is a term from the big book of alcoholic anonymous for active alcoholics and those who have yet to work the steps: Ego maniac with an inferiority complex.
This term explains a lot because you are walking on those specific eggshells. You can't hurt his overly sensitive feelings yet at the same time you have to placate his enormous ego.
It sounds like you have good plans for coping and if you follow through, things will become clearer. You wont figure this all out in a day or two. It will take some time.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 2nd of April 2012 08:12:28 AM
Hi everyone, I'm so glad this board is here. I need to vent and also to listen to wise and similar experiences. My husband has been an alcoholic for years. I have known about this for a long time and there have been various failed attempts on his part to control his drinking, be abstinent for short periods, seek counselling but leave when they get anywhere near the root and most recently he decided to go into rehab. I was so happy about this last plan as I thought that finally he would get some proper helped chose the place himself and asked me to make the call to book it so I knew he was doing it. He even told a couple of his close friends( before this no-one but my close friends new). He got there and called me about an hour later saying it was a hell hole, it stank and was full of 'down and outs'. He is a high functioning alcoholic in at he has a very well paid, successful job. In all other areas of his life he is a mess but to the outside world he is a funny, articulate talented person who can do anything he turns his hands to.
I felt devastated when I got the call. I made a call to a different place that would have seen him that day. Much more expensive but with 'better' facilities and more self funding patients. He refused to come home and refused to even entertain the idea. He's now saying that all rehab centres and helplines and brokers and money grabbing. He is saying he's going to do it in his own. He's been at our new home since Friday and tells me he is detoxing and hasn't drank. we are in the process of moving house which I have organised alone. I am not in a position to go running down to him, plus each time I do speak to him he shouts at me for the most ridiculous of reasons including daring to ask him if the things I'd ordered for our pets to eat and drink from had arrived.
I have told him following professional advice that I will support him doing things his way but if he does drink again or if his behaviour does not change I will expect him to get help. I have an appointment with a counsellor for myself and have started a few al anon meetings which I will continue.we have been together for 15 years and are in our early 30's. I know I'm going to have some hard decisions to make if he refuses to get help. I think if this does happen I will have to walk away from him
I will hate this as I love the sober man he is, but I cannot go on like this. I want my own family and he is stopping me from achieving this. His alcoholism is ruining so many things.
It is hard for you to see this maybe just now and may be a disapointment for you.
But....what a really good experience he has had.
When a person has really slipped down the years of heavy drinking the envionment he and family live in can be smelly, disgusting at times, and truly miserable.
If he cannot get help this well may be your husband probably in years to come.
The reality is hard to grasp....that the men in the rehab were once fine young men...with a good future...and brains which were not damaged.
So this may have been an eye opener for him!
Take care of yourself.
T.H.
Mine was always seeing other's substance abuse as much worse than his own; so many comments about how he's not as bad as _____________ now THAT guy has a drinking problem! And I would just shake my head, it isn't the amount someone drinks, its what happens to them - the personality changes. A few months ago I was teary-eyed over something he was doing and he mistook them for "i miss you" tears but they were "I can't believe he is choosing this squalor" tears - but he doesn't see the connection between his drinking habits and his living in squalor - its MY fault he lives in squalor because I won't let him come back - but I won't let him come back because nothing has ever changed (except my unwillingness to put up with it).
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Aloha Sarah and welcome back to the board. Its time for you now; for your serenity and sanity and recovery. I know what you and others mean when your convinced that he is "high functioning" however having worked in the rehab business with all levels of patients including spouses, family, friends and the addict/alcoholic themselves he is far from high functioning. He may have a high tempered denial system and a fear larger than the continent and those two among the other disabilities of an alcoholic tears the "high functioning" description apart. Alcohol is a mind, mood, physical and spiritual altering chemical period. Another Al-Anon member reminded me the other day...change the name of the alcoholic and the picture remains the same.
For me I am aware that if his wife is looking for help...he is not high functioning; he is alcoholic and not able to take care of his portion of their agreement regarding partnership and married life.
He wanted you to book his responsibility for his disease. I did those responsibilities my self until my sponsor taught me to get out of the way from being the pillow between her and the floor. I had to stop try to alleviate the pain of her crashing and that pain is what helped my alcoholic/addict follow thru in her recovery. I got out of the way and she and her HP found each other in a rehab.
It is classic to watch and listen to a raging alcoholic talk as if they knew what was good for them while knowing absolutely nothing about sobriety and then to a raging alcoholic it is all about them. In AA we speak at time about choosing the "softer easier way" while we learn about "doing whatever is required of us". (I'm a double Al-Anon/AA) He needs to learn that in order to overcome himself and his disease.
I along with many others here who have had and may still have your experience encourage you to turn him over to your higher power as you understand that higher power and turn yourself over to the program.
