The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, one of my girlfriends was here for the weekend. She and I have known each other forever and spent much of the day Saturday catching up and sharing about the challenges and joys in our lives. That night, I went to bed a bit early and she and my AH talked...nothing funny, just talked.
She called me today and told me that he admitted to her that he has thrown his hands up and will do NOTHING unless I tell him to. We've been struggling to pay the rent and have been debating about selling the livestock and moving closer to town. I have asked over and over for his help with this decision and he has told me it's my decision. He told her that he won't help me make this decision. He wants me to do it all myself. He thinks we SHOULD sell the livestock and move into town...but he wants me to decide it, not him. And until I tell him to do something, he will be doing the bare minimum.
Talk about passive aggressive!!!! I am livid and I don't know what to do.
This is where going to alanon meetings is huge and having a sponsor. These are things that are best given to HP, stopping and listening to what is in your own best interests. Easy Does It comes to mind because sometimes the best thing to do is nothing when it comes to a specific situation.
Sending love and support, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Since he's an alcoholic, it makes sense that his decision-making is broken. And they generally have big long rationales for doing what they've decided to do. (My AH's was some variant of, "I'm doing this because you made me, because of your defects which are...") Usually I don't think they even understand why they make their decisions, though they think they do. He may think he's being passive to teach you a lesson (and is that working for him? I wonder), but there's got to be something bigger to it. Because I'd bet you're not learning the "lesson" he wants you to, and so why wouldn't he try another method? It's Crazytown in his brain. I guess we knew that already. It's hard to remember that their brains aren't working right, but the evidence keeps coming up.
We all go through that whole "trying to make sense out of nonsense" stuff.... (my sponsor used to ask me why I kept expecting and insane and unhealthy individual - my A - to behave in sane and rational ways.....
This is where a program of recovery - for YOU - can make such a positive difference.....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I was fuming last night before he got home. I was so mad I had decided that I was just not going to talk to him for awhile...do what I needed to do and to heck with him and his stupid games.
He came in and was in a good mood. Not drinking...just nice. Had a nice conversation about things completely unrelated to our financial challenges. I couldn't stay mad.
This morning, while we were getting the kids ready for school (together without my asking), I mentioned something about my friend's husband. He had been shirking responsibilities around their house. My AH replied what a waste the guy was. I took the opportunity to chime in, commenting that "yeah, partnerships are about supporting each other even if we are frustrated with their decisions in life...marriage doesn't work when one person isn't willing to help the other."
He may not have made the connection to what he shared on the weekend, but at least I was able to say my peace without an argument.
And I am moving forward, making decisions for me and the boys the best I can without his input.
