The material presented
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I've had a week where I've had to set some boundaries with several friends. Two of them have been standing me up when we've agreed to meet. It's not that they're mad or anything, they're just flaky. With another, we get together and then while I'm talking (never while she's talking!), she gets out her phone and starts sending texts. She does this a lot. With all of these people, I've tried to be patient longer than I should have. I make a little protest, but when they keep doing it (they keep not showing up, keep texting), I still stick around.
I realized that my behavior in relationships with addicts isn't restricted to addicts. In all my relationships, I feel as if "If I don't hang on to the people I have, there will be no one. So I have to put up with whatever they throw at me."
When I think back, I've done this for years. I had one friend who borrowed a ton of money over the years and, of course, never paid it back. I had another who insisted I go see her because of this and that, and could never come to see me. As soon as the this and that cleared up, other things came up, so she's still never been to see me. I had another who dropped me whenever a better invitation came up. All of these things were very painful, of course. And when I look at the overall pattern, I feel very discouraged.
So when I look at it, I realize that my behavior with addicts is just more of the same. If anyone shows any interest, I hang on for dear life, even when it's clear that I'm mostly giving and they're mostly getting.
My problem is that I don't see where the healthy friends are. (Or the healthy romantic relationships.) How do you make the transition? I can let go of the unhealthy friends, but the more I've done that, the more I've just been more alone. Does anyone have experience with this?
I think of boundaries. I am having difficult getting along with my friends and colleagues. I am becoming very judgmental. But I think that I sense when I am dealing with an addict or addictive behaviors. So it is ok to have boundaries and let go and let God.
Hugs and I understand what you are saying .. I guess I have heard said in these rooms when I am continuing to attract the same kinds of issues then I have to go to myself and see what's going on with me. I would say do a 4th step (I know some extremely wise people have said this to others), I have no basis as I'm currently working on my first 4th step. That's what makes sense to me as I read your post.
I have found in my own situation that I've put up a BIG DO NOT ENTER SIGN (of course with an asterisks that states UNLESS you have some kind of major dysfunction going on. ) .. that's so not working for me anymore. I'm having to find a way to erase that asterisks. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Anyway, .. I do know there is a balance that I don't know how to recognize yet, I only know when my own behavior becomes uncomfortable either I'm moving away from the old behavior OR I'm in the new behavior and it still doesn't feel exactly right yet. Again don't know if that makes sense or not, hope you can get something out of it.
Hugs and great topic!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I spent the weekend feeling SO lonely. Yet I am afraid to reach out to friends because I have been so burned by the people who I have let into my life (lots of LONG stories)....I am still reeling from some of the things "friends" have done...
I don't know how to do this. I've reached out to a couple of people, but they NEVER take the initiative to contact me. That makes me feel down on myself (aren't I worth spending time with?)...which feeds into my depression...
I know I can't isolate, but close relationships with others tend to hurt me so it's a catch-22...I am a successful, professional woman with many acquaintances and lots of contacts...yet very few people who I feel comfortable hanging out with...
-- Edited by rehprof on Monday 2nd of April 2012 05:14:13 AM
Mattie, this is something I can relate to, too. Very much. I do not have one reliable friend. It has occurred to me that I need to go find some. I am pretty much alone all of the time except for meetings and random conversations with street people or store clerks. I am working on it....I just joined the National Guard, so that tends to come with 40 or 50 big brothers who like to grill out and talk about guns and stuff. :)
I'm still loosely in touch with my unhealthy friends. Like, facebook loose.
After all, these were the people I attracted/was attracted to when I was sick. Since I closed my Reform School for the Emotionally Stunted, they don't have much use for me anymore, and to be honest I'm quite relieved to not have to worry about their crisis du jour or feel disappointment when they flake out.
Pray about it, send it up to your HP. Ask him/her to show you what to do and help you attract people that will bring something positive into your life.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Hi Mattie, have you done step 4 yet? The patterns didn't stop repeating for me, until I learned the exact nature of my wrongs by doing inventory on it. Only when I could see my part in the patterns of MY LIFE, could I begin to practice something different. I am not a victim, but before al-anon, I sure thought I was, I attracted sick people from every direction.
It was necessary for me to have the help of my sponsor, her help has been invaluable. For some reason, we just can't see this stuff on our own.
And then, there's the process of being entirely ready, and humbly asking. Sometimes, my patterns don't disappear until God says it's time, lol
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 2nd of April 2012 12:47:30 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
This has all been very helpful, thank you! I suppose it's somewhat inevitable as we find our way to healthier friends. And I definitely suspect I have that DO NOT ENTER sign on my forehead, even though I don't want it to be there. Lots to think about!
I definitely had issues with letting go. I had to be burned into the ground before I said no.
Just last night I had a call from a man who used to live next door to me. I set limits with him to the point of not speaking to him. Normally I would be so so receptive to pleas but right now I feel I have a full plate.
I think that's been one of the keys for me in not being so lonely. I have to be busy and focused on me.
The first step is to notice stuff, the steps after that come in time.
