The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
- she will never not be around alcohol -- it's always available, so it's not as if your not drinking would remove all alcohol from the world
- you are not the cause of her drinking, so whether you drink or not should not affect things
Some reasons to stop drinking:
- early sobriety is fragile. When I'm trying to eat healthy and my partner has stocked the cupboard with doughnuts, it's even harder than usual. Sometimes it makes a difference to have the triggers hard to get, if the person is solidly working a program. It gives them a little breathing room to call their sponsor or go for a meeting.
- It keeps you from being in the line of fire in one sense - the "I wouldn't drink except that you were drinking!" That's not fair but it does happen.
- Some of us can't stand even to look at alcohol, after what we've been through because of it.
- If you're an alcoholic yourself, then you shouldn't drink. If you're not an alcoholic, why is there a need to drink?
Ultimately there is no one right answer. Just many things to think about.
what is the source of your discomfort around not drinking...? Is it the way a beer tastes with a bratwurst that you'd miss? or is it the way you feel (liquid courage ) when you drink?
I have never liked the taste of alcohol...so it's hard for me to relate...but if someone told me I needed to give up chocolate....hmmm..that would be another story...
Well, I like a glass of wine on occasion but I don't keep it around the house in respect for my AH's getting sober. I may have a glass if I'm out to dinner with friends or if my AH travels for work. That's about it. So, that works out to be about 3 glasses a month, LOL. And, that's enough for me. Personally, I like the taste of wine but I hate hard alcohol and beer because of the smell so I guess everyone has their own thing, right?
When my AH quit back in Feb, due to his DUI, I removed all the alcohol from the home and any of his hidden stash that he chose to reveal to me. We gave it to friends who are responsible drinkers. Then I told them to pour out the whiskey because they don't even drink that stuff, LOL. Of course, I have since found out that he(my AH) still has a few minis hidden in his office closet that he chose not to reveal to me nor to get rid of. Drinking alcohol is a personal choice but if you are supporting someone who is new to sobriety, I would probably try to be supportive and just keep my drinking to times when we aren't together. Drinking is something I approach with caution for myself, too, not just because of my AH. My dad was an alcoholic and his drinking was a huge problem in our family. It's far too easy to slide down the slippery slope of alcohol abuse. I'm actually really glad that I'm not keeping it around the house, why tempt myself on a nightly basis like that when my spouse is working at being sober?
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical that affects every organ in a humans body. It is a powerful chemical, a liquid depressant, anesthetic, synergistic and considering that we call a drunk "intoxicated" a poison. I use to think that I was impervious where others were not and then I learned to stop thinking that way. Do you have to quit? Thats up to you and with continued use your self doesn't get better it gets _____. There is a difference between the female body and the males and to alcohol that doesn't matter. Why would you want to quit unless you have a concern. We learn to be concerned about how alcoholism affects us where before we were only concerned about how alcoholism affects others. Change your focus and you come up with a different person in the same picture. I quit and 9 years alcohol free went into AA in order to stay quit.
This is really a good post for thought and ESH...I'm gonna hang on it to read what's coming next. (((((hugs)))))
I've never had a problem with alcohol, and could always take it or leave it. I would drink socially, but that was it.
I don't drink anymore. I made the decision to not drink around my AH, or keep alcohol in the house. However, the primary reason I no longer drink is that alcohol has caused so much destruction in my life and countless other lives that I simply want nothing to do with the stuff. In my opinion, nothing good comes from drinking.
Mattie asked some excellent questions - definitely some things to consider.
I choose not to. I have always been a "5 drinks per year, leave the glass half full" drinker. I made a decision at a young age, knowing my grandparents were heavy alcoholics that I wouldn't keep it in my house. Now I have teens, doubly glad for that decision.
I have a sugar addiction. I cannot keep it in ny house. If I get treats for my kids they are single serving only. I hope anyone I end up living with again will accept that it can't be in my house. I do t care if they eat a pound of chocolate away from me. And I will still have bloody mary's Christmas with my dad!
It's a personal decision but since I understand how hard it is to battle an addiction, it was easy to decide not to.
I used to work as a bartender (how's that for an LOL!) and enjoyed drinking with friends once in a while.
Now, the thought of going to a bar makes me sick to my stomach. I do not really like being around drunk people, and I do not like the effect alcohol has on my mood. Alcohol has not played a positive role in my life, so I tend to stay away from it....but if I want a glass of wine at dinner, I will have a glass of wine and not feel guilty about it.
I can't tell you what's the right answer for your life, but I will share a little story.
During one of my AH's freelance dry spells (self-imposed, non-AA style), he was trying to decide what to do with his day, as I needed to be at home writing a term paper. He thought about going to a baseball game, but was afraid this would be a trigger for him and he would want to have a beer. He asked me what I thought he should do.
If he had been working the AA program, I would have suggested he call his sponsor. This was totally a sponsor type situation.
I had learned just enough in Al Anon to not rescue him from his decision either way ("oh, just go have a darn beer, it's a ballgame!"....or, "come sit, let's brainstorm other things you can do today"). So I told him I didn't know what he should do, but if he felt triggered before he was even at the game, perhaps he should avoid it.
I can't remember what ended up happening, but I do remember just a few weeks ago when this incident was thrown into my face. He used this example of the ballgame dilemma to represent how unsupportive I was of his attempt at recovery.
You just can't win with addiction. NO ONE wins with addiction, not the families or the addict.
Anyway, my point is this...whatever you decide is right for you, drinking or not drinking, your alcoholic will probably find a way to make it an issue. It's just how addicts do. The trick is to make the choice FOR YOU and stand in it fully. The A will pitch a fit no matter what...in my experience.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
My partner has decided not to drink. I didn't ask him to. At this point in my sobriety, I really don't care if he drinks as long as he is not an alcoholic. He made that choice I guess to support me...also I think he respects my AA program and the fact that I have a relationship history with alcoholics that I will not repeat again no matter what.
During my first year sober, I couldn't be much around alcohol at all. I had to save my own butt first. I didn't ask others to not drink around me. I just removed myself from situations where there was drinking. I couldn't do this all the time, but I could stay away from liquor for the most part. I now recognize the difference between a social drinker and a binge drinker/drunk. I was the latter and I don't have problems hanging out with "normies" as long as I remain 100 percent clear than I am NOT one of them and can't drink normally. I just chill with my diet coke and lime :)
I think it's a personal choice. There is no right or wrong answer.
For me, I choose to not have alcohol in the home, not even on holidays when we entertain those who do drink usually. Others respect that.
I dislike the taste of most alcohol, so it wasn't a sacrafice. However, I would give it up for him if I did consume it. I know how difficult it is to stay sober, especially in the beginning. He says it makes it much easier that I don't drink.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
No, you don't have to quit drinking too. You didn't cause her drinking, you can't control her drinking and you can't cure her drinking. Nothing you do makes any difference to her. I personally don't like the taste of beer, wine or hard liquor. I do like mixed drinks that I can't taste the booze, like marqueritas. I like sweet drinks or sweet and sour drinks. Problem with that is the calories. If I have to have those calories, I would rather have chocolate. I did try chocolate wine. Not bad, but not good enough. Pure chocolate is still better considering the calories.
As you can see, I don't have a problem not drinking. Iif we are out with others I can have a drink. I have to decide if I want one and if I want the mental effects that booze has on my mind. It makes me sluggish and I don't like the feeling unless I am ready for sleep. My hubby always drinks water. He says the first drink costs $5. The second one costs everything he owns.
Your choice is totally your own choice. You may choose to support her by not having it around, or you may choose to do your own thing. She lives in a drinking world and she has to get used to that fact. You can't stop the beer advertising on the tv or booze ads in print. She has to take care of herself.
If something is a problem in a relationship... whatever that something is... I would do my best to make it better the best way I could.
I used to have the occassional (once or twice a year) smoke of pot with my husband. When he went back to daily smoking, and I decided I didn't want that in my life because I could see his addiction, I felt hypocritical to have the occassional smoke. When I first started nagging him (pre alanon), he used to say.. but you smoke too (yeah ok.. I hear ya). I do not smoke pot at all and have not done so for over 18 months. I told him I am not going to be a hypocrit.
I used to drink ALOT. I changed my habits due to lifestyle change. Now my husband drinks alcohol where as, before, when he was full on into the pot, he didnt' drink. When he relapsed he drank and smoked. Now I occassionally say to him to be careful of how much he is substituting the alcohol for the pot and he says.. but you used to drink alot too.. and I say.."yes.. used to, I have smartened up". I lead by example and I have a few drinks only a few days a week. He drinks every day. He has stopped throwing my use back at me.
There is not right or wrong answer.
I know when my Dad got sober, we all kept alcohol away from him. I know the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink... sure.. is the reverse kind of thing true... If the horse is surrounded by water, he will eventually get thirsty won't he. I reckon, better that horse has to make the conscious effort to find the water rather than have it right there at his hooves.
Now adays, 33 years into sobriety, my Dad will actually buy me a nice bottle of champagne and have a wine in the fridge for dinner for me when we go and visit. Its 33 years later .... My Mum doesn't drink. We are all still mindful. We even make special triffles or cakes or meals with the alcohol removed if its an ingredient. We aint taking no chances
In my experience, thousands of people can drink alcohol without any adverse long term addiction issues. thousands can't either. I happen to have chosen an addict to live with. He is a pot addict who now drinks also. I don't buy alcohol very often anymore, he does. At this point in time, I am not concerned about his drinking, but I fully understand and am watching the traits.
Only you can answer this question. Do you really want to do anything to help your partner? In my opinion, I am my husbands greatest advocate and his support within my own boundaries. There is no way in the entire universe I would keep pot in my house, or ever have a smoke if he was trying not to.
