The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am SO glad that you found us! Welcome to the Alanon message boards. I am glad that you have reached out during such a painful time.
I have been where you are.
I will keep my own story brief, but five years ago, my Alcoholic father got angry at me and disowned me by voicemail ("Don't ever contact me again, this is your fault, etc. etc.).
I was blindsided by this voicemail and I was devastated.
To say it hurt like hell is the absolute understatement. And, no amount of "he didn't really mean it" or "he'll come around" was comforting because his words were so absolute, final, and complete in saying I was no longer his daughter.
Since then, as I have gone to open AA meetings, I have come to understand that as personal as that whole disownment experience felt, the active Alcholic is in a tidal wave of consequences from their drinking. They are not thinking about me because as their disease progresses their thinking, their behavior and its consequences are spiraling out of control.
And, my experience is that any time an Alcoholic is confronted by their disease, they will do ANYTHING to protect the disease. And that can mean threatening and creating cut-offs. If we say to them, we are concerned or upset or angry or whatever, if they are active, they may hit us where they know it will hurt the most, by ending the relationship.
Watching episodes of the A&E show "Intervention" has helped me see that MANY alcoholics, rant, rave, threaten to walk, walk out, threaten to not talk to the family again, etc. AND the Alcoholic will use ANY reason to justify their threat (You...fill in the blank of any reason big or small, real or imagined). I now understand these are TACTICs to protect the disease. By believing them or fighting back against them or crumpling into a heap, we help enable the disease.
It was a shock to realize that this experience that felt so UNIQUE to me is actually COMMON. Alcoholics act this way like CLOCKWORK when their disease is threatened. Seriously, after watching episodes of Intervention, I began to realize, "Ohhhhhhh, this is a SCRIPT!" Alcoholic after Alcoholic after Alcoholic said the SAME thing to their families "I'll never talk to you again!" "You'll never speak to your kids again!" "You'll never see me again"
In the pamphlet Alcoholism and the Merry-go-round Called denial, it identifies that the two primary weapons the Alcholic has are anger (to make us angry or to frighten us with their anger) and anxiety (creating scenes that fuel our anxiety and when we can't stand it any longer, we step in and enable).
I have come to believe that my father's disownment was meant to distract me so entirely from where my focus was--his escalating illness--by disowning me, I now believe, it allowed him the freedom to use/drink in peace.
So, our job is to not "buy" these methods. Our job is to detach emotionally. Not argue, not beg, and not be distracted. Our job is to feel our feelings, but not to deepen our sorrow by spinning horrible scenarios of never seeing our loved ones again. Our job is to dig deep and keep our serenity--no matter what. This is alcholic baloney and we are not buying it. We can imagine "Sick" across their foreheads or we can imagine their words are "wah-wah-wah" nonsense. We don't have to "believe" what they are saying. We can just see and KNOW for ourselves that their angry, threatening words illustrate how sick they have become and how threatened they are by our endangering their ability to drink.
In the immediate wake of my father's disownment, here's what I did:
I brought my sorrow, my grief, my body-wracking sobs to Alanon meetings. I let them hug me and love me. I let them, those Alanoners who KNEW my pain and sorrow because they had lived it in many ways themselves, surround me with their hope, their readings, and their slogans.
I sought therapy.
I confided in friends who asked me to coffee, to carve pumpkins, to make soup--did things to help me feel normal and better during this terrible time.
I turned to my higher power for guidance and wisdom and comfort.
I stopped focusing on the problem and started to focus on the solution by working my program HARD.
You're in a new city, so I encourage you to print out a meeting list and start hitting every meeting you can find. Get every phone list you are offered. I would get a temporary sponsor. I would ask people to coffee. I would look up every museum, every park, every free activity I could find. I would get headphones and start listening to Alanon speaker tapes on-line. I would get busy.
I wish you courage and strength as you go forward.
BlueCloud
-- Edited by BlueCloud on Saturday 31st of March 2012 07:30:39 PM
Two days ago I got a VERY unexpected an horrible email from my daugter. She forbad all communication with her or her family for good. "emails will not be opened, messages will be deleted without listening, if you come to the house you will be met with silence, don't contact the children, don't talk to husband, you cannot be my mother anymore."
Would like to say she is being totally unreasonable but I know that she is at least partially reacting to the fact that I spoke privately with her husband recently about concerns I have. I shouldn't have done that. I know that it's best to Let Go and Let God, though I allowed my fears for her and her family to override my better judgement. Now I must live with the result of trying to interfere.
She is a very determined woman (in her 30's, well educated, three darling children) and her older brother, who usually has a pretty good handle on what to expect from her) thinks it will be months or years before she changes her mind.
What is complicating my life at the moment, other than the grief over having done the wrong thing, is that I moved 400 miles on a limited budget and rented an apartment with a one year lease, at her request. She has an autistic child and wanted help, which I was thrilled to provide and did from Sept. to January. Then she suddenly changed everything she wanted to do with him, pulled him out of a school where he was doing very well and getting great support (I saw his end of the term GLOWING reports from the school). She ended my involvement with him, and then started to avoid phone calls, etc.
She had had a rather outrageous episode at New Years, where she drank heavily and acted out followed by an all night "tantrum." Her behavior began to change at that point.
While her husband had mentioned that when she drinks "it's not a good thing" I didn't realize what was happening until I moved here and saw more of her and the family. THAT is when I should have started working my own program HARD and stayed out of it.
Now, most important, I am not allowed to see or call the three children, I almost can't stand that, but doing anything to contact them will only make the situation worse. If it weren't for the 12 steps and the things I learned years ago via AlAnon, I would be falling completely apart right now. It's bad enough as it is.
And I do have some anger, too. I left a nice rented townhouse in a community I liked, near the younger of my two sons, and rented this really substandard one room apartment because it was the only thing I could afford in this strange city. At the time I felt the sacrafice was worth it, though, to be helpful and appreciated, which I was until the holidays....and was told so by her, her husband, his mother, other members of his family, etc.
The only people I know here are my daughter's and her husband's families, and she made it clear I was not to talk to any of them, either.
A few years ago I'd be ranting about how unfair, blah, blah, asking why, why, why, and trying constantly to contact her. I'm glad that I'm managing not to do that, but am still reeling from the sudden silence, and it's slowly sinking in that I won't be babysitting or having the girls over for afternoons or sleepovers. The eight year old was always espcially happy to "slumber party" and always came with her packback stuffed with treasure to show me, etc. She is making her first communion May 6th. Most of this stuff I just have to force myself not to think about.
For three days now I've been making lists of things to do to take care of myself and my own business, but fighting off the depression that wants to take hold.
Well, if anybody read this far, thank you. There is no one else here to talk to, and I just needed to tell somebody. Am keeping my chin up at the grocery store, etc, and as I go by other people who live in the complex, and have not burdened my sons by going on and on about it to them on the phone...and as I write this it is clear to me how much 12 steps and alanon have changed my life and outlook. In some ways, this silence is almost a relief after the last several weeks of the irratic behavior, and the pain that was causing.
Now, I guess I'll have to stay in this city until my lease is up Oct. 1st, then try to get myself moved. With no community here, not even regular doctor, etc. And only an old car I don't drive too much...just thought about promises made...she and husband are waiting to close on a little house they purchased in a good neighborhood expressly to rent to me, they promised to help buy me out of my lease, and even said if my car died they'd help me get a serviceable used car. Those were not things I asked for and certainly did not expect. My daughter picked me up one day "to show me something" and took me to this house they had just signed a purchase agreement on and surprised me with "we got it for you." Her husband also took me there the next day and we talked about the details, the amount of rent, etc. It was a dream.
OK, now I am going on and on. This is the last of this. Now, working my own program, MMOB, Letting Go, Letting God, and working the steps has GOT to be my focus.
Karen, I am so sorry that this has happened, and so glad that you found us.
I hope you can also find face-to-face meetings in your new city. Working harder on your own recovery is a good way to keep those thoughts from eating away at you, and it sounds as if you have a lot of great recovery tools already. But everything is more stressful when we don't have a support system where we are.
My experience is also that A's tend to issue huge dramatic proclamations and often after a while they just let it go. However, having it happen is so stressful, and not knowing what the future holds is also stressful. And even if your daughter changed her mind next week, now you know that the disease has such a strong hold on her that she's liable to do sudden dramatic things. So that all is a lot to absorb.
There's also the question of her husband -- does he have any say in things, or does she get the final say by virtue of being so dramatic? Because I imagine he also recognizes the need for extra family support. Raising an autistic child is a huge challenge even when both parents are on top of things.
My family also had a big dysfunctional pattern of cutting people off -- still does. The only thing that lessened that at all was the people who responded calmly to all the drama. It sounds as if that's you. So that is a triumph right there.
I hope you'll keep coming back -- there is much wisdom and support here. We're rooting for you and your family.
II hope you can find face to face meetings in your area and take care of yourself. My family is very dysfunctional and they tend to overreact, try to just give her time and space and take things one moment at a time. Hopefully you can find healthy hobbies in the mean time. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
THANK YOU for taking the time to share your story and your insights with me. I am sitting here just bawling for the first time since I recieved that email...from relief as much as anything. The first person to say to me, "She has a real hard time ahead of her, and this is not your fault," was her big brother, but you were able to point out the things I had not articulated to myself yet. The alcoholic ex husband, far in my past, used the anxiety provoking behaviors that left me just crushed, and I did do the whole reacting thing...making it all worse. He was my second husband, and my daughter was already in college when we married, but she did live with us for a while and saw this dynamic in action.
Some part of me already knew that this was her reaction to my conversation with her husband, but I had forgotten how dependant on the disease a person can be, and how incredibly defensive.
The details you shared with me about your situation, your "experience, strength, and hope" really touched me, and it was exactly what I needed.
The picture you drew of AlAnon, the things I can do, the warmth that comes from an AlAnon Family Group you described so well is what I needed tonight more than anything. After a day alone in this apartment trying to get my thoughts on doing the next right thing, I was just out of ideas, hope, and energy.
I'm going to sleep tonight, I can feel it, because of the support from people who responded. And it does help enormously to hear that this is a common experience. It hadn't happened to me before, and it feels so new and so isolating...
Anyway, I need to dig out my AlAnon books tomorrow and start at Step I. Thank god I've been through this before (whoever would think they could be thankful for that!) But this time it is my cherished and beautiful daughter, not the alcoholic from the brief second marriage.
Your advice to go to every meeting I can find will be followed to the letter. There was a time in my life that I believe doing just that saved my life.
You eased the nearly hopeless-feeling pain considerably, and I'm so grateful that you took the time.
Thank you. I will find meetings in my area. And thanks for pointing out that "life changes from year to year" and this may not be as final as it seems. I need to let my higher power help me with staying in the day and not turning the future into a mess, though right now that is so hard.
Thank you, Mattie. Your comments about the big drama and the unpredictable things hit the mark. Things started to get bad around the holidays (drinking more, I guess), and she has been pretty unpredictable the last few weeks. Which I did not handle well, something I get to realize and repent of now. I had stopped working a program, and had forgotten that it's important to always recognise and deal with my own character defects.
Anyway, I'm so deeply grateful to the people who saw this and responded, you collectively helped me in a way nothing else could have.
KS, it sounds like you are working your program this is the main thing that will keep you out of trouble.
Not all lease contracts are always so seriously binding. Try to talk to the owner and tell him you are experiencing extenuating circumstances he may understand and give you a break, its worth a try. Say your prayers that your HP will give you the convincing words.
Keep busy try not to dwell on matters. Be strong, this too shall pass.
In support,
Oldergal
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