The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have shared much on my situation with my xa and our daughter .. long before he came along, i survived the (effects) of other people's thinking and behavior through fantasy .. (effects of alcoholism, etc) i chose to see the parts of Reality that suited me .. why wouldn't i have, as i've also shared, when we hear things in the environment that change what really happened, as in that's not really how it was or they didn't mean that, etc.. excuses excuses, etc.. anyway what I'm realising with my xa is that his leaving did hurt very much but it's the process of changing the fantasy to reality .. the denial is lifting and this is why i'm feeling the emotional-hangover .. pain .. I also recognise i'm in a process of having some defects removed .. never happens just like that . it's a process and it makes sense for the process to hurt .. I've clung on to some things so tight there's claw marks .. my higher power has to talk to me and work on me honestly like that of a child trying to convince me to let go and give him the scissors in my hand so to speak .. boy even at my age .. go figure ..
anyway .. as i get out of the fantasy i think of when he first left and i was like thinking to my hp (god) .. can you just show him a way to get through everything .. give him hope, help him change, etc.. as if he was looking for a solution in the first place .. ? what i realise is wow .. he really didn't want a solution .. he didn't want to be here .. he wanted to go ... didn't care if things could work out, etc.. bam it's hitting me .. Reality .. It's a slow wake up but i'm moving more toward acceptance anyway because I can imagine him with someone else now .. I can see it .. his choices, etc..
I will say one other thing when i think back on several months ago when i shared that in a f2f a person told me they didn't want to hear anything negative when they go to a f2f .. and we talked .. etc.. too long to type .. i reminded her the disease of alcoholism is negative .. and that there must be something deeper going on in her that is getting triggered by my sharing .. i hit a nerve (memory) so to speak, etc..
Looking back on that .. I can honestly say today .. several years and I have Never heard One share I can Ever remember thinking of as a negative .. I'm not judging; I'm listening and keeping my ears & mind open .. It's so great when I think that Every share regardless has brought so much wisdom & joy .. at the end of the day it All leads toward serenity & even more wisdom ....
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Friday 30th of March 2012 11:14:38 PM
(((MeTwo))) Your post struck a nerve with me this morning. You touched on something I needed to be reminded of. I learn so much from reading the posts on here. Thank you for sharing.
What an insightful message. Entering the Reality of my life was a true gift of this program. Naturally, my HP was there with me, as you have found and the knew Alanon tools I had developed enabled me to learn and grow from the honesty.
Your experience with your meeting is so very true. Honesty, Openness and Willingness are the route to recovery.
That is why we say: The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them Take what you like and leave the rest. We do no suggest trying to change the message someone else expressed. Just "leave it" DO NOT Engage.
Such an important lesson for me in my life in the outside world
Thanks for your shares .. I'm recognising the reality of the past doesn't fit with the reality of today .. I'm not exactly always sure where I'm going but I know one can't be in alanon without changing their reality .. the transformation into something new .. a whole new reality ..
I would agree a great deal. The ex A could zero in on that fantasy stuff so easily with me. When he was homeless he zeroed in on some alternative community issue that was astounding to me now. I found it so hard to let go of him I bought it. I also bought all his irresponsibility of course!
I have been around the block a lot on people not wanting me to describe my reality. I no longer take it personally.
I love your imagery of a child holding scissors...that's exactly it! Darn, those things are shiny and fun!
Gosh, we use our denial to avoid reality and our alcoholic loved ones use booze to avoid reality. The fantasy is impossible to maintain, and quite honestly it sucks most of the time anyway. I'm finding living in the here-and-now to be quite a ride, sometimes dull, but full of delicious surprises if I stay open and receptive.
Negative shares are a part of reality, too! You can't get untangled from an addict, or an addiction, without some level of discomfort and negative feelings.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
