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Well just a quick update and who knows what tomorrow will bring I had so much to think about today. It's probably a good thing I was 1/2 as busy as I was .. lol.
Something that really hit me most of all is when I am hurt emotionally I go straight to anger and stay there .. when I am angry I can cut all ties and not feel a dang thing.
What alanon has blessed me with is the ability to be human, feel my pain, joy, sorrow, happiness, anger, laughter and so on and not just shut down completely so the only thing that remains is the anger.
Something that I"m dealing with .. with my AH is it's less hurt to just be angry so I don't have to feel.
The ultimate goal is to be able to detach with love and acceptance .. that acceptance thing .. boy oh boy .. sometimes I just don't care for that word .. lol. Very honestly so not there at this point. It's not that I want to beat my AH up verbally or shake him until his eyeballs roll for the fun of it. I am desperate to feel compassion although if I feel compassion son of a gun .. that means I can't feel angry and that means I have to feel something else akin to pain.
This is my coping skill that I learned as a very young child. So I don't numb out by drinking, pills or other vices similar. What I do .. what I do is I get angry and cut off the offending appendage, which could be people, places, things or the past.
So this was my aha moment of the day. How I detach, how I learned how to just instantly stop feeling anything. I don't like it so much anymore because it's not who I am anymore and it's def not what I am about. So I've been in a very uncomfortable place recently trying to figure out how to feel something outside of the flaming anger of the past 3 weeks.
After my little aha moment I spent the evening with my AH and kids. It was a nice evening. We are dealing with some money stuff at the moment and he's not happy about that and neither am I. The reality is that we are going to have to work through it. It's not going to be easy to say the least. He's gotten some sharp reality checks as to what it's like to have two households and younger kids. So he's not pleased in the least.
Anyway, it was a much nicer evening than last night for me.
Thanks for letting me share Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"It was a much nicer evening than last night" YAY!! a winner...celebrate it (really) in a sane manner; expressions of gratitude etc...
"that means I can't feel angry and that means I have to feel something else akin to pain." Push... where did you come up with the rule "akin to pain"?
"You can choose to feel what ever you want to feel whenever you want to feel that..." recovery lesson very old. I thought feelings were dependent upon outside events only and then learned "Not!!" I learned that feelings were inside jobs and that no event demanded certain feelings. No laughing at a funeral can be an extreem oxymoron however the last one I went to a bunch of us stood off from feelings of grief and loss and sadness and just felt gratitude and remembered the great stuff we shared with the deceased. That's just an example...no one's died in your event and still you can choose to feel the good stuff you have experiences with.
I'm in support...love to hear your happiness. (((hugs)))
"that means I can't feel angry and that means I have to feel something else akin to pain." Push... where did you come up with the rule "akin to pain"?
Well that's the reality .. right now .. if I don't feel anger then it's going to hurt like all get out. I hurt. I grieve. This is a painful process. It ebbs and flows. I get what you are saying about feeling gratitude .. not so much in gratitude at the moment. It's not to say I won't get there and I don't focus on the positive .. there is a LOT of hurt going on and there's a LOT of hurt that I have to process from WAY WAY WAY back .. before my AH .. before I even hit double digits.
So anger is my coping skill it doesn't have to stay with that thought process and that's what I love so much about the program .. seriously .. LOL .. I just went from wanting to take my shoe off (and I wear heavy duty clogs when running in and out of the house) and throw it at him as he was patronizingly smug .. grrr .. (hellooo program out the door, darn it I have REALLY good aim too ) to he came to my house we have a great evening. It was painful at the end because my family left the house. That is the part that is so hard. That is the part that hurts.
It would be soooo much less hurt to just shut the door, lock it, cement it shut and just not look out the window. That's no way to live either, .. right now if I don't feel anger, I feel something akin to pain that's a pretty true statement .. however .. yesterday I was able to at least not be angry .. I didn't feel anything not even gratitude. I got through the evening without feeling angry. Progress not perfection.
Someday I hope to be as wise and use my program as well as my brother from another mother Jerry.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I've found anger and hurt go hand in hand and I waffle between the two a lot myself. Sometimes I feel like it is better for me to be angry than hurt. I justify this by thinking, at least if I am angry, I don't have to feel so sorry for myself (which I do anyway :) And I also think that anger may motivate me to do what's right for me (that may be the case to some extent). When I remove the anger all I'm left with is the pain, and that hurts badly. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. I wish I had the answer. Wishing you tons of esh, nyc
I do understand I to used anger to cover feelings of FEAR, sadness, disappointment etc. I did that because I did not know how to handle the other feelings. I love your awareness and acceptance. It appears that alanon has given you new tools to deal with your feelings. I too no longer change my felings into anger nor do I deny them and pretend to be Happy.
Owning them, as you have, sharing them, looking for my part, working the Steps on them all are part of the process .
HP walks right with us at this time, giving us the courage serenity and wisdom to continue .
) to he came to my house we have a great evening. It was painful at the end because my family left the house. That is the part that is so hard. That is the part that hurts.
