The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading from "Courage to Change" is about the fallacy of selflessness and giving to others. (i'll wait if you need to read it)
It got me thinking about the ways I have given to others, without being asked for help and/or at the expense of myself.
In my family of origin, I often took it upon myself to lighten the mood of the house, make jokes to emotionally take care of the adult (my mother) unable to care for herself. As a child, no one asked me to do this, but it was my way of trying to create safety for myself.
In my marriage, I gave my AH endless attention and energy, positive pep talks, and reassured him when he was down on himself. I think I worked his program upside down and back again before he even admitted he had a drinking problem! It becomes a habit, this need to keep the people around me "up" and in the process, I completely drain myself.
I thought that was my job, to make sure my family was emotionally ok at all times. Now, I realise I'm not doing my AH (or my mother) any favors. When I take responsibility for their moods/insecurities/demons, I am robbing them of a potentially rich personal experience and the opportunity to help themselves. They have access to the same resources I do. If I don't know how to respond to them without giving too much of myself, I can at least avoid harming them while I work on my boundaries.
For a while, I was really stuck on thinking that this was a relationship-destroying attitude, that I was emotionally abandoning my loved ones or failing to show them just how deeply I cared. Those nurturing instincts are very hard to thwart. But now I see that, outside of caring for a child, to try and wrangle another person's emotional storms is another way I try to control the uncontrollable.
In the same way our HP does not come into our lives unless invited, I will not take it upon myself to soothe my AH, or my mother. This does not mean I will not offer help if asked. It means I am resigning from my self-endowed position as headmaster of my Reform School for the Emotional Stunted. It is really okay if people around me are in a mood, or confused, or hurt, or angry. It's not my job to make it all better.
Just for today, I will focus on my own emotional life and allow others the dignity of focusing on their own.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Dolly...this was soooo helpful, thank you. I am tired of taking the emotional responsibility or others also...my issue, but it's an issue I'm really tired of, lol. This place is wonderful, I learn something from every thread/post I read.
