Struggling with Detachment - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Struggling with Detachment

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

This seems to be a current theme at the moment. I'm doing ok and then not doing ok. I do fine when I'm not around my AH and then when we are together .. of course I wind up looking like the crazy person.

I'm working my program, .. logically I know what is going on, .. I can even go as far as saying this is what I need to say or do and then doing a totally different thing ... that's the part that pushes me up and over.

The frustration I feel is I want him to love me better than he is at the moment, I want him to choose me, I feel rejected, and that's soooo frustrating and the reality is .. that's just not an option as he is not normal. (and I am not either there's a big duh moment there) The more "normal" he acts the less in control I feel.

It's the anger that is getting the best of me at the moment and that is so interfering with my balance of serenity. I mean I can't be around him without the feeling of wanting to scratch his eyes out.

Does anyone out there have some ESH on dealing with in the middle of being around their A what to do about detachment .. again I do fine when I don't have to see him. I have so much hurt inside of me over how he has ended our relationship (it's in limbo, I think it's up to me if I want to end it), of course he's not going to address any of the issues. I feel defective for lack of a better term. Of course this weekend is seeing him ALL the time because it's the kids birthday weekend so I don't feel like I'm going to get a break as far as things go.

HELP!!!! I kind of feel like I'm drowning and feelings aren't facts .. WOW am I overwhelmed at the moment!!!

Hugs P :)

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Pushka)))

I have found that my feelings flux and change over time. While limbo is uncomfortable, it can mean progress towards detachment- I'm not completely letting go of the outcomes. I had wanted to end the hurt and suffering; now I'm recognizing he did too, but we each had different ideas about what that was. Years later, I would now have a different response.

I fall outside the program when I don't accept things as they are, when I listen to gobblygook and react or take things personally. Maybe he is loving you the best that he can at the moment. It's difficult to feel/ give/ show love if one does not love themself.

I'm working on feelings of rejection right now too. I am told that rejection is HP's protection. In my case, for whatever reason, the other person is not currently or no longer on the same page.

When someone is consistent, it is easier to feel secure with "normal". If it makes you feel any better, the things you probably feel you can't control when he is being consistent, probably are things you can't control when he is not being consistent.

My best success is when I can remain centered and focused on myself/ my needs, recognize and enforce healthy boundaries, and to be able to express myself in a caring/ loving manner (mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it meanly).

Hope this helps.

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Just remember all the smaller moments that led you to this place to begin with. There are reasons you are in your current spot and there is comfort in knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now. We all go back and forth between feeling great and in control and being total wrecks. Take a deep breath, refocus on yourself, and remember it's okay to feel whatever you feel but emotions aren't facts. You are strong, capable and deserving of all the love and happiness the universe can offer, take comfort in those thoughts and let the bad feelings pass. Hugs and prayers. sg

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Pushka

I hear you and understand the anger and sadness of which you speak. I always found that sharing it , (as you have), writing in my journal, giving myself permission to feel all the feelings for 30 minutes really helps. I can then move on to where my feet are and stay in the moment . I refuse to allow myself to project so that I can keep an open mind as to how I was going to feel and that made detachment easier.

Serenity Prayer and a Slogan repeated over and over also work wonders

Remember this too will pass. You are not alone.

kael1539 · Veteran Member

A big thank you for posting this, as I am really relating to your feelings right now. I find I have certain triggers which just bring the anxiety and pain all back and I feel like I'm not in the groove with the program. I am also struggling hard core with feelings of abandonment and rejection. Right now my AH is physically gone and I feel he truly has physically abandoned us - me and the kids. The more I let go, the more he literally does go. But I guess what I am seeing is I never "had" him at all. When he was here and we were trying to be a "normal" family, he wasn't here. His physically presence only fed my illusion that he was engaged with me and the kids and that all was somehow OK.

I also struggle with the re-introduction phase when my AH comes back - he leaves for days/weeks and then as soon as I get used to it and have my doing -it-all-on-my-own schedule down pat, bam he comes back with his dirty laundry and negative attitude. And I can't help but be angry. It takes everything I have not to lay into him. I just try to remember this too will pass. I try to remember the tools of Alanon and realize none of them come naturally to me right now because I literally want to yell, scream and kick my AH for being such a selfish abandoner of his family. He has a disease and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I don't have any idea what he or his disease, wants out of our relationship at this point.

I hope that one day my HP will help me sort out the right solution to this phase I am in right now. I try to focus on Al-Anon, building my own self-esteem, and I have stopped trying to have any conversations with him about what he is doing because they just seem like such a waste of my time. I was reading "Getting Them Sober" vol 2 last night and it said in AA they have a saying that when they in recovery think of the future they just think it will be good and that gave me comfort. Right now sucks so much but somehow, I don't know how, but if I stick with this program I do believe my future will be good. Not in a denial-of-reality way that I used to, but I do believe that whatever my nonsense my AH continues to throws at me, at least I have program that works and I can rely on that to get me through it.

I think I am actually going to do what hotrod suggests above today. I'm sending you much love and support and strength to get through the weekend and enjoy the happy birthday celebrations!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

You have received such wonderful ESH!!!! I just wanted to add that I'm sending hugs and support and thank you so much for posting!!!

amills4294 · Senior Member

Puska - thanks for your share and I'm sorry for the troubles you are dealing with. When my H and I were separated my anxiety always seemed to escalate when we "had" to be around each other. The only thing that worked for me was to try and keep my focus on my daughter and deal with him as little or as matter of factly as I could when faced with these situations. I had to accept that those moments would be uncomfortable but that they would pass. One thought - maybe remind yourself that when you are in his presence it's just a moment - a small moment in a much large situation and that moment will pass. Serenity prayer - deep breathes and redirecting attention.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the support, I think I'm HHALTing at the moment too. I have anxiety over the fact my mom is coming to town and she's dealing with her own fears about the situation.

I'm saving this thread so I can refer back to it especially tonight I will need it. The kids are away for the weekend. We had a good conversation today .. not about him coming back, that's not an option at this point and I know that. Going backwards right now is not an option for any of us.

I seriously do not want to be his friend as he truly doesn't treat his friends any better than he treats me. That was part of the conversation that he is no longer going to be allowed to treat me as if I don't matter or as if I deserve no respect.

Something that keeps running through my mind is what Glad mentioned and thank you for that by the way. I need to love ME more. It's that little girl in me who wants to bad not to be abandoned and left behind. I used to have a horrible nightmare that was pretty close to night terrors as a 4 - 7 year old about my parents standing in a dingy and facing away from me as they floated out to see. I would stand on the banks and yell to them, the wind never allowed my voice to carry to them or they ignored it .. I can remember waking almost screaming from the dream. That is how far back this feeling of being left behind goes and it's a very powerless feeling that I still try and control. If I'm really honest I think that's where my need to control started from, if I can control I won't be left behind.

I think I need to redirect myself AND be easy on myself is that I"m currently the one in the dingy. I'm currently the one who is doing the leaving by experiencing all of this growth, even though it feels like he's moving further away I am too.

Mark, .. boy oh boy, do I always value your input my cyber friend. I keep reminding myself 16 years is a long time to be with one person and how much collective damage we have done to each other. I certainly won't own the past 2 year train wreck as a whole I have some part, this last deal heck NO .. that is on him and totally on him. I have decided that 2 years at this point is my time limit on filing .. I feel very safe with that number for some reason .. I don't know why. Should anything happen legally I will be filing immediately to protect my vested interest .. the longer I stay "married" the better off it is for me retirement wise as well as it protects me emotionally from running out and doing something extremely stupid (this is in my situation) out of loneliness.

Betty, Bud, Jackie, kael, Surf .. man have you all said a mouthful to me today .. I will have some freedom tonight and tomorrow to really feel some of what I'm going through and just let it all out. I def can tell I'm due for a good healthy cry of release. I have been writing in my God Box and feeling better. I did some stuff for just me and I again feel better. I'm also sorting more stuff out of the shed .. lol .. that also made me feel better! All I can do is all I can do to continue to move forward. I had a LONG talk with my sponsor last night and I felt better and came to some acceptance about letting go some more.

Thank you for letting me share and thank you so much for being so wonderfully supportive (even when I feel like I want to kick someone in the hinney). I am so very grateful for this program and for the boards.

Hugs P :)

nyc018 · Senior Member

Pushka, I really feel the pain you are going through right now. Detachment from someone you love, even when absolutely necessary for one's emotional health, is one of the things I struggle with, very hard. I am having an enormously difficult time with this now myself. You've gotten some fantastic esh here. Living a moment a time and knowing that this too shall pass is so important at times like this. Sending you support and hugs, nyc

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Pushka)))))...not much more I will offer at this time after Glad left her ESH. That stuff you mentioned about him loving you more or you wanting him to love you more is negative fantasy. Only you can love you best right alongside your HP. My counselor once asked me "what do you suppose it feels like to be loved by you?" and I broke down and bawled my eyes out...Why didn't I love myself as much as I loved my alcoholic/addict and others? I didn't have the answer for that and then had the opportunity anyway. The best detachment I've ever learned is detaching with love and the best love I ever learned is unconditional acceptance of every other human being...not just the alcoholic and the finest detachment I've ever practiced in my recovery is loving without needing.

You're having a growth moment. Handle it the was Pushka has done it before... Hugs - Jerry

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