The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sorry for the sadness and pain that you are feeling. I do understand, and would like to assure you that you are not alone. Grieving is an important part of staying in reality and owning all our feelings.
I do hope you are attending alanon face to face meetings and will reach out and share this pain there as well as here.. Doing so helped me to feel the love and support that did surround me and also lifted some of the pain Remember living one day at a time and not projecting makes every problem more manageable.
I found that I too longed for someone to surround me and assure me I would be OK---That security and love was right there in the rooms of alanon and with faith and belief in my Higher Power.
Once I found that connection I knew deep within that I would never be alone again and that I would be ok
I urge you to keep coming back. You are worth it,
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 29th of March 2012 02:19:51 PM
I'm finally coming to the realization, as difficult as it is, that my marriage is not good for me and that I have to remove myself from it. I've never had to grieve over anything like this before. My therapist explained the grieving process to me and it honestly sounds impossible. The idea of my husband being sober and thoughtful and caring and the man who I knew him to be for 60 days then 30 days at a time is overshadowing all the honest, reality of what's been happening. I want to escape into the what could be rather than admit to the what is and it's tearing my heart (and tears) out of me. I don't know what to say or do. I don't want to tell anyone, but I feel like I need to talk about it so that I can come to grips with it happening. I don't want this. I don't want it for me or for him or the us that could be. I wish I could be stronger, just put my foot down, be assertive, convince myself that I deserve better than this and just walk away. I keep listening to music that should empower me but it's making me feel deficient. I've been putting my wants and needs aside for so long that I don't even know what they are anymore. And I'm scared to acknowledge that because that makes me feel even weaker. I want someone, anyone, to swoop in and hold me and tell me this is all going to be alright.
And I definitely do NOT want to be sitting in my office staring at the phone, bawling, and wishing my husband would call and tell me everything's okay again, he's going to be cured.
Oh, this hurts so much.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
I am still to some extent grieving a relationship I never had. All the things I thought I had with the now ex A were mirages. He was always addicted. He just put on a great great show at the begining.
Everything I thought we built was destroyed by his addiction. Now I'm not even sure we built much besides lies, resentments and subtrefuge. We both blamed each other for everything.
Glad you are here.
Get the book Getting them Sober. It will give you a lot of help in seeing the future.
Thanks. I do go to Al Anon face to face meetings. Matter of fact, I'm going to one tonight. Looking forward to it.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Mare - I'm so sorry and I'm right there with you... You are worth it. You will get through this. Pain sucks, plain and simple. Be kind to yourself - there's no rush to take action on anything. You'll do whatever you need to do when the time is right FOR YOU.
Thanks so much. There's a large part of me that's telling me that this is definitely for the best, for both of us, my husband and myself. There's a part of me that is still wanting to fight, to fight for his sobriety and for my strength to continue to "be there for him." But all my fighting is getting me is exhausted, frustrated and its creating more tension between my husband and me - he can see the toll it's taking and it makes him feel even more ashamed and out of control and, I suspect, gives him even more excuse to drink. I'm hoping that him seeing me serene, well slept and calm will give him at least a little inspiration to join me in the life we both wanted so badly to live together.
Tomorrow's his 39th birthday. Next week is our 2 year anniversary. I was hoping so badly to be celebrating these events with him, sober. But the universe is saying it's just not time yet.
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
I'm so sorry you are going through this I understand how difficult it is at the moment.
I will say from my experience and what I have learned about myself in the past 9 weeks is that I AM going to be ok. My self will does not create results and boy that is a rough one. What I want and what my HP (God) wants for me and the kids .. I don't know .. what I do know .. is what I want is very limited compared to what God wants for me and the kids. I have to trust that I'm going to be ok. God did not walk with me and sometimes for me during these past weeks to just drop me on my butt. I've been saying that a lot today .. LOL .. however I so believe it to be true. The biggest gift I have gotten is that I truly am going to be ok. Yes, it hurts and yes it is painful however WOW .. the sheer volumes of growth I have experienced has been humbling. I just kind of feel like I'm walking through the hottest healing fire imaginable and I'm having garbage just fall off of me. I've cried .. I still do .. it's a healing kind of cry it's not self pity. Best of all I laugh and smile so much more. It's been years since I have felt this way. I've discovered things about myself I have forgotten. I'm standing up for myself and no longer accepting unacceptable behavior. I deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, dignity and compassion for that matter. I have to treat myself that way first before I can receive it.
Choose recovery for you and let your HP walk with you and for you during these difficult times because this to shall pass and there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I relate....I'm 3 weeks separated and it does hurt.
But feelings will not kill you. Meetings help a LOT!
There's a quote that gives me comfort in times like this- something about how no force on earth could tear away what God has planned for us. I take it to mean, if my fantasy of what my marriage could be is supposed to come true, it will without any interference from me. My HP has some amazing, magical ways and life will work out in ways I can't possibly imagine here from the cheap seats. In fact, I could be getting in the way of what God/HP has in store.
It reminds me of a video I saw of monkeys. The scientist put candy in a hollow tree trunk. The opening was just wide enough for the monkey's paw. In goes his hand, he grabs the candy. But since he is making a fist, his hand is now too big to pull out of the hole. So the monkey sits there with his fist full of candy shoved into a tree, stuck. Monkey doesn't realise...if he just lets go of the candy, he will be able to pull his hand out and be free.
Sometimes my recovery is like this. I hold so hard onto my fantasy and how I wish things were...but life is not meant to be lived stuck fist deep into a rotted out tree.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I don't know that age has much to do with getting the mental strength to be sober. I know plenty of mature alcholics. Personally I spent 7 years in a relationship with someone who I knew in about week 4 that was a mistake. I held on nonetheless and lied to myself that my commitment coudl do something.
I don't think anyone can fight for someone else's sobriety personally. I know I've been around the block on that one. Either someone wants it or they don't. Those that do have a lot of resource even if none of them are perfect. Those that don't seem to want to keep on living the lifestyle.
I was away 2 nights and felt great. Came home yesterday afternoon and hadn't had a drink but was very sick. Very depressed. I kept my distance, didn't engage. Got a great nights sleep next to him for the first time in almost 2 weeks. We spent some time together today but it's different - not the uncomfortable codependency. We'll see how tomorrow is. I still have another bedroom on the other side of town at my disposal - such a relief!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
