The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I was growing up I never had anyone to tell me how to handle conflict or difficult situation. I never felt like I had anyone to ask and I just wanted to hide from it or cower down or ignore it in hopes that it would go away.
My daughter is in 6th grade. She had her first real disagreement with one of her girlfriends. Her friend said something that hurt her feelings without knowing it. My daughter let it fester and then started talking about it to her friends. They all run in the same circle. Then it got blown up. The other girl said my daughter was spreading lies about her and texted her that she had a lying problem and called her a psycho in the text. My daughter is very sensitive and of course she cried hysterically. As a mom of course I want to protect her and blame the other kid LOL... but I know my daughter over-reacts to things and quite often misinterprets the words of others. I tried to talk her down out of this emotional frenzy she was in and tried to get her to talk about what she was feeling. I didn't judge, I didn't say she did anything right or wrong. I just told her I understood how she felt. I then went on to try to get her to see that her friend may not have realized what she had said or done and maybe she should try to explain that to her so she understands. Of course the other girl is hurt too and her mom admitted she can said hurtful things without realizing the damage.
Ultimately it is my daughters decision as to whether or not to be friends with this girl. I will not make her do that - but I do want her to understand that there are ways to address and deal with conflict when it arises and that lashing out is not the most appropriate way to do so.
I was very happy that she felt comfortable talking with me. It provided me with some healing for me - I never had that person to talk to or that cared to talk to me. I want her to feel safe to do so, even if I don't always agree with her.
That is so great that as you are parenting, you can sort of, re-parent you too where others left off. I think as kids who grow up like we did, more than anything kids want to be heard/acknowledged. Great you were able to listen and support her while keeping your personal issues out of it -- that really is huge! kudos to you! We get to keep what we get through practicing of it, kcb and sharing... it does get easier. Celebrate every little milestone because they do matter. Recovery is self-discovery!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
How wonderful for your daughter to have a mom with the tools for growth.
I used to get into that damaging cycle too -- when something happened I'd go tell everyone else, instead of dealing with the person who hurt me. Then it would backfire, and I'd wonder how things could have gotten into such a huge mess.
I think the question "What is my part in it?" is so helpful. I never even realized that telling everyone else instead of dealing with the person who hurt me could be my part in it.
I sure wish I'd had a mother who would have listened and helped instead of letting me learn these lessons the much, much harder way.
