The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have earlier written about my rollercoaster of a life, very much evolving around my alcoholic in recovery.
I studied in England for three years and finally got my bachelor degree in marine biology after last summer. That last year of my studies I lived with my then former girlfriend. She became pregnant during the summer before my last year at uni, in a very short lasting relationship, whith a guy she no longer has any contact with.
I decided to move in with her as a friend, and to help her out during her pregnancy. The first months were very hard and I felt like I had maybe done the biggest mistake of my life. This is also when I wrote my last thread on this forum.
Since then everything changed. We got back together again and I was there during the birth of a little girl which is maybe the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Me and my girlfriend have been working together really well and I am happy to say that our little daughter, which is just over a year now, is a verry healthy and happy little girl.
At the moment, we are living with my parents in Norway. We moved over just before christmas for me to look for a job. My parents have slipped right in the role as grandparents and they absolutely love their first grandchild.
I have just been offered a very good job that represent everything we want out of Life. Its close to one of the biggest towns cities in Norway (Bergen), which means that my girlfriend can go to more AA-meetings, take our daughter to babygroups and go to the gym, where they have staff to look after your children when you work out.
We have also found the perfect flat near my job. Our daughter get her own bedroom and we have all we need within walking distance from the flat.
Although everything seems to go our way now, it has been a dificult and hard path. My girlfriend found the transition verry hard when we first moved from England. At one point she ended up in a mental institution here in Norway, after heavy depression and many panic attacs. She was met with more respect and understanding in Norway than she was ever offered in England and through loads of therapy and testing of different drugs she has now been diagnosed with Bipolar dissorder type 1. She has been put on new medications. Maybe the first time ever the right ones.
I believe that she is getting better and she seem to have some hope herself as well.
I am however worried about myself. The last time she had a panic attac, I reacted in a way I have never done before. I am used to her turning completely irrational and say wierd things, and I usally know how to handle it.
I reacted with anger. It was really scary. I shouted and hit my fist in the table so it really hurt. I could see that my girlfriend got scared and when I calmed down, I burst in to tears and cried continuosly for a long time. My girlfriend got even more scared of seeing me crying like that and called my mum to ask for help. Our daughter was asleep, so luckily, she did not notice what happened.
Since this happened a few days ago. I haven't felt completely like myself. I keep seeing myself out of controll. Although i did not do anything physically to hurt my girlfriend I feel like I was too close. It's not like me. I had a terrible temper as a teenager, but those days are over. Or at least I thought so.
We have plans of going to England for Easter to be with my girlfriends family. I fear that I'm not fit to go. My girlfriend say she must go. This is an important family event for her. She say that I can stay behind, but I fear that something will happen if I do not go. I have never been away from my daughter for more than one night.
If I go to England for Easter I fear that there will be some kind of a dramatic event in my girlfriends family like there so often are. What norally happens than is that some people may not speak for a day or two, or there is shouting and blaming. Bouth my girlfriends sister and mum is Bipolar and when they are all in the same place its like the air is charged. It might be heven or hell might brake loose.
I dont think I can handle much more at the moment. I am exhausted many jobinterviews, looking for flats, looking after our daughter and my girlfriend when she is not well. Trying to shield my parents from being too much involved...
I believe that if I stay home over Easter. I may get some rest. A chance to recharge my batteries and prepare myself mentaly on starting in my new job.
My girlfriend say I can stay in Norway, but I still get the feeling that she will resent me if I don't come. I fear that my parents will think I'm weak or that my girlfriends family will be dissapointed in me.
I feel that I need a break and to stay in Norway over Easter, but I feel that I should go to England, but I cant settle with either.
This whole thing is driving my girlfriend insane, and I don't blame her. What sounds like a luxury problem has turned into a nightmare for me. I'm over analyzing everything and am starting to get worried about myself for once. This is why I write here. I am usually good in looking after others, but when it comes to myself, I fail to do so...
Cosmos...
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If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
Hi there... just wanted to respond with encouragement and support.... Your post is a great showing of how trying to do this (living around alcoholism) without any help, is too much for many of us....
What are you doing, for YOUR recovery? Is Al-Anon a regular event in your life, and/or what are you doing for YOU?
For myself, it was a lot of things, but during the most dramatic crises, I actually ended up having to humble my own (male ego) and go to my doctor, who put me on some anti-anxiety meds.... Not recommending them for everyone, but he described what I had as "situational depression", and they definitely did take away the peaks and valleys for me....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I dunno that it is insane not to want to go to stay with a dysfunctional family. I'm not sure how much therapy your girlfriend has had if she views that as something she must do.
Being around crazy people can make most of us act pretty crazy.
I think that al anon can help with many many tools. One is to learn to detach. Another is to put the focus back on us.
I've been around many many people with mental illnesses. My role in so many ways was to get over involved. In other ways it was to take everything very very personally.
I heard a great quote recently that said Getting back up is an option. We all fall down, do things we regret but we can get back up. For me getting back up has been about really taking a critical look at my life.
I'm so glad you are reaching out to al anon and getting help. that is so so key.
Your first responsibility is to you and your emotional health and stability. Of course that doesn't mean that everything should be all about you all the time -- "I can't change the baby, I'm relaxing in the sun today." But you absolutely have to do what's necessary to keep yourself strong and healthy so you can be there for others and be in your family. It sounds as if recently your girlfriend has been the needy one and so you've had to be the strong one. And nobody can be the strong one all the time. No one can always be the support and never get support. It sounds as if your system got really overloaded and it was crying "Emergency! Emergency! Too much to handle!" And we need to pay attention when our systems do that.
If you don't go to England, various people may criticize you or think badly of you or whatever. But as the Al-Anon saying is, "What other people think of you is none of your business." As I understand it, you would be choosing to stay home as a vital part of your mental health, not just because you want a nice selfish vacation. It sounds realistic that people with poor emotional skills wouldn't understand the concept of taking good care of your mental health. In those situations, I figure I can explain myself once calmly and if they don't get it (which is fair to expect), it's best just to detach. They don't need to get it for you to do what you need to do.
It sounds as if some more emotional support (therapist? group? meetings?) could be so helpful for you too. When the alarm goes off, we need to check for the fire, not just silence the alarm.
I am so glad to see you back and sharing. II agree with all the other MIPers. --------- Please connect with alanon face to face meetings in your community.
Focusing on myself. living one day at a time, sharing with others who truly understand keeps me sane and allows me to share my anger,fear and sadness with others without reacting inappositely.
