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Hi all...tonight my dad (who hasn't had a drink in over 2 years) got into an argument with my bother and got drunk. I don't know what to do or say to help anyone in the situation (my mom or dad). They are on the mainland and I'm in Hawaii so it isn't as easy as flying there just to be supportive. This hasn't been the first argument with my brother they have been having serious issues with him for quite awhile. What can I do??? I feel so helpless:(
Aloha Bree...welcome to the board and a note; the Al-Anon Family Groups are very present here in Hawaii...on all islands. You have lots of support within reach and you can search the net for Hawaii Area Al-Anon and find the meetings and phone numbers available to you and others where we are and how to come sit and meet with us.
Your Dad gave himself an excuse to drink where he already knows there is no excuse to after you've come to understand the disease. Your brother isn't a valid excuse or justification for your Dad to go back out and your Dad knows that though he might try to blame and hold others responsible. The disease wanted a drink and your Dad nodded to it. That is the relationship between alcohol and the alcoholic...Alcohol is always calling and trying to convince the alcoholic to try again. I hope your Dad keeps the courage to jump back out and get alcohol free again.
As for you and you mom if you want it...there is Al-Anon and the solid fellowship we have here in Hawaii. The recovery Aloha is magical and I invite you to look us up. If you understand a power greater than yourself (many of us call that power God as we understand God), turn your Mom and Dad over to that Higher Power and come looking for help and support for yourself. If you're on the Big Island you're closer than you think. In support (((((hugs)))))
I know it must be troubling and painful. The fact is that there is nothing you can do (or should do) about either situation. Your dad's drinking is his responsibility alone. What goes on between your dad and your brother is between them. It may be that your brother needs some recovery (as everyone who has been close to an alcoholic does). The rooms of Al-Anon are open for him.
"Enabling" is defined as doing for someone what they should be doing for themselves. That includes figuring the way forward in arguments that you're not a party in. Of course you hope everyone in your family gets along. That's something you can say to everyone in your family. And of course it's very sad that the family is faced with these conflicts. It may be that de-escalating the drama would be helpful. Keeping calm and working on your own recovery might be your part in that.
In the long run, the more we work on ourselves in recovery, the better things get. I hope you can read all the posts here, find a meeting and get the literature, maybe attend meetings online here. When we start using new tools, everything changes. Keep coming back.
im sorry to hear your pain bree :( i can relate because i too have an alcoholic father and a brother who often gets into arguments with him. the best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. get some literature to read, go to a meeting, do something nice for yourself. i know its much easier said than done, but its all you can do right now. i know you probably want an answer as to how to make this all go away, but just have faith in your higher power and pray for your dad and brother's higher power as well. take care of you
