The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a disease rooted in self/ego. I always appreciated what Eckhart Tolle wrote, "The ego may be clever, but it is NOT intelligent." Because it has no idea of its true identity.
I applaud you, steph, it looks like you are doing very well under the circumstances....
I love how you removed yourself.... THAT is what a boundary looks like, it's an action taken by ME. It's NOT telling my loved ones how I expect them to treat me from now on, that's only setting myself up for a resentment. Don't feel bad, I misunderstood that too, and I learned the hard way, I realized what I was actually doing was telling him where I tie my dang goat.... the disease just LOVES to get my goat, because then I might get hooked, I might react, and who knows what will happen then...
So I learned to STOP telling him what hurts me (that is NOT what a boundary looks like, that's trying to change people, and I am powerless to do that.) The disease in him wanted to hook me, wanted very badly to trigger my disease , get me to react and take us BOTH down. When I get emotionally hooked, it has been successful.
But you didn't react, good for ((you)) This stuff takes courage, and you're doing it, my friend.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 27th of March 2012 12:46:21 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I've gotten very good at just ignoring my AH's rages and removing myself from his presence when he loses his temper.
Result? The alcoholism finds a new way to get to me. My AH has toned down the rages a lot (which don't get me wrong, is a WONDERFUL thing). So the alcoholism has whispered in his ear that he can find a new way to get a rise out of me, which will allow him to blame me for everything instead of accepting responsibility. So now my AH keeps a pleasant, joking tone of voice, and proceeds to be incredibly obnoxious. For example, for the past couple of months, ever since he flipped out on me and cocked his fist back like he was going to punch me (but didn't, and he has never physically harmed me), at least a few times a week he will "joke" as we pass each other in the house about how he doesn't want me to "hurt" him. He will flinch in an very exaggerated manner, and say things like "please don't hurt me." My AH was physically abused by his father. Without the alcohol, he KNOWS that this is not a funny topic, and a few weeks ago I made it very clear in a calm manner that I didn't find it even remotely funny, and i asked him to stop.
So he started up again with it on Saturday night, and I took several deep breaths. I told myself "he already knows how I feel about this." I told myself "I've made my feelings clear, and to repeat myself again, when he already knows my boundaries, is a waste of time and energy. Plus, it's what he wants because he knows it will turn into a fight." So I said "I love you, I'm heading up to bed." He tried to protest, and said "can't I just bust your chops sometimes?" And I did well; I removed myself and didn't take the bait.
Good for you! I need to learn to do this too, because my AH is extremely sarcastic and juvenile. I could see him doing something like this. Thanks for sharing, Steph!
Boundaries are like huge red flags to an alcoholic. I was dating a man recently and asked him not to text me (I have a plan where it costs more). What does he do? Texts again at 3:00 a.m to be precise (I have my phone on vibrate so he didn't wake me). When I repeated the boundary he protested. He was furious.
Needless to say I eventually stopped talking to him. He really couldn't honor the boundary (this is a recovering alcoholic with 10 years of sobriety).
I think it is to be expected that an alcholic especially someone with ACA issues would find boundaries really hard to deal with. They know how to renenact stuff. I wouldn't say this is just alcoholism but ACA issues too.
As you may know for so many of us our issues surface when we get married. Marriage has a way of bringing them all up. Actually life has a way of bringing them all up.
I hope you will find a way through this maze. The main issue is that you see that you don't have to play into it and that his issues are his to deal with. The more knowledge you have of where it is coming from the easier it is to have compassion and at the same time hold onto the boundary.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
An expartner of mine would joke in a similar manner.
He was say insulting stuff and if I did not respond with a laugh, or walk away, he would turn it into a fight. The fact that I couldn't 'take a joke', was the point of the argument. If I thought it wasn't funny, then I was being a 'stick in the mud' etc etc. I felt guilty then for not thinking it was funny
I got to the point that anything I did turned to an argument anyway. Busting my chops was supposed to be hilarious and fun activity for both of us. Unfortunately.. when that has an abusive element to it, and he is trying to get away with it by smiling at the same time... it is not funny.
There is nothing funny or acceptable about violence verbal or physical.
((((Steph)))) good program work on your part and understand he is still dealing with the idea of it...When time passes and he is still on the subject he is entertaining the thought. If he brings up the subject days or weeks or months or however long after a behavioral attempt...the thought of doing it has taken root and he is fixated. I know in the past that when I was around guys that expressed those thoughts or made those statements I would either come to solution (closing) on the subject thru discussion or physical detachment. I have PTSD and part of it is caused by being senthisized by threats of harm and/or ambush. I have learned to live looking over my shoulder much of the time and today if I get the sense that someone is thinking about attacking me I advance on the subject right away and clearly.
Another part of this is that to some degree you "own" him if he is going thru all of the drama of "don't hit me" when you pass and he flinches. Take him by surprise with hugs and kisses and disarm him and see how that one works. I do that often and I don't know anyone around me who feels threatened except for getting an unexpected hug. lol, it works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
