The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you may remember from my other sign on name... I have some major and massive control issues. Some people post things about controlling their spouses drinking and rationale that they wouldn't control other parts of the partners life, so why alcohol.. well.. I am guilty of controlling every single part of his life.. well.. trying to....
Lately, I have noticed that I am working on those issues. It is getting easier with the help of the program and my psychologist. I noticed when hubby went fishing on Sunday, I only texted a couple of times. He rang me twice which was nice. He said he would be a half day fishing.. he left at 7am. When 230pm rolled around I realised that half the day was already gone andhe wasn't home. In the past, that woudl have been cause for an argument. He lied, he is not keeping his word, his mates and fish are more important than I am rahrahrah....
This time, I texted to make sure he was ok and he was.
Also... we are going away for three weeks on an Asia tour in 6 days. He has not packed. I am packed so I can see what I am missing and do the last minute things at the last minute as opposed to everythign being the last minute things. He has done nothing.
Last week, he had 4 free days off work. He could have some little things like make a doctors appointment that MUST be attended before we go away, other little things. Instead.. he relaxed and did nothing. NOw again.. I usually would have harped and harped... I didn't.
for a few weeks I have been asking him to check over the details and visas etc that I have done everything for.. planned the whole thing.. took me months... he decided to do it last night. Tired. He kept asking me questions and I answered. All things he had already been told of course. He got half way through and got too tired to finish. He kept on with other really unimportant computer/paper work that has no deadline to be done by. I asked him why he was doing that now and he got a bit defensive so I let him go.
I reminded him we have plans for three nights this week and he is working Saturday. We fly out Monday.
He just said yeah ok.
I would usually be jumping up and down... telling him to pack.. do the things that he needs to get done.. come on.. plan your time efficiently etc etc. Control control control. Write him a list of things he needs to achieve etc etc... full on control.
I have done none of that. I am ready to go. He now has to pack, find out what he has to buy or obtain before we go, finish checking the plans and details, do a couple of very important letters for work that he wants me to help with (which I can now my priorities are seen to), fulfil our commitments during the week, and says he will be working late all week.
Hmmmm... problem not belonging me. He is getting stressed now. Well.. again.. problem not belonging me. In the past I would have said, I must control to make sure he is not stressed and then he won't smoke to relax.
What a load... he smoked if he wanted to not because of stress or anything I did or didn't do.
He has the reins to his own life. I have the reins to mine. I will make sure I am ready for what I need on my holiday.. what he doesn't have.. his problem.
I am just sitting back waiting for him to realise we actually fly out in 5 and a half days.... and he working the next 4 and a half days.
hmmm.. prior preparation..... My motto.. I will not control his every move.
I see myself in this too .. in the past this is .. I never did have control; hence he is gone and things are getting progressively uglier .. but when i see my part i recognise my trying to control the disease; i fail to see i control Every single area or did, etc.. Great read just before my 4th step .. thanks for sharin g..
You are really growing, it's such a pleasure to watch!
I share this sense of over-responsibility, devoting all my attention and concern onto other people . I had no self-supervision to guard my own interests and welfare. I lost myself caring more for others than I did for myself... aaah! the self-sacrificing of "fixing"....
Thanks to al-anon, today I am more able to give others the dignity and respect to live their own lives. By letting go, I now have more energy for ME, someone is now lovingly tending to MY business.
My "control" is an illusion only, and I choose to accept my powerlessness rather than go insane when others don't take direction from me, lol
"Work with me, people, work with me!!!! "
hahaha
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 27th of March 2012 08:23:00 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think where there is no longer a list it is key to get to there.
I know I runied many a holiday (if you can call it that) with the ex A over vigilance. I couldnt' imagine a time when I would not be hypervigilant around him.
One of my co workers who has really big control issues is just off on holiday with her mother and I wonder how it has gone because she is very very difficult to be around with her issues. I think holidays can be really difficult because of the expectations therein.
I think its great you can chart your progress. I also think its great you are letting go of having arguments. Arguing can be so futile and exhausting.
I do hope you have carved out lots of plan b's for yourself on the trip. What to do if there are bottlenecks and issues. Do you have book's and pampering ideas for yourself. I know its so key for me not to stay in resentment and really resentment is all I have known most of my life.
Last night again he had worked late. I had hung out a washing, put a load in, got dinner ready, fixed up a few things around the house, helped with his letter and it was 8pm before I stopped and I started at 430!!!!
He hung out the washing for me and helped out a little.
He was then tired and he sat down, said he was going to do more paperwork that has been piling up. I did say, why are you doing that now? and he replied it has been piling up for so long. I said yes but there is no deadline on that, where as you have to be packed by Sunday.
I noticed my reaction and again... I stopped myself.
He just stood there looking helpless as he does. Couldn't organise a party in a brewery that man. Good thing I love him isn't it.
So he sat down and watched TV!!!!! Very proud of himself for having an alcohol free day. I said well done babe, your liver will thank you
As to the rest of it.... I just shook my head and giggled to myself.
As far as plans for the actual holiday and what we are doing.... again I am proud of myself, I haven't really made any on a day to day basis. We have only two tours booked for the whole three weeks.
We are visiting several countries each for about 4 days or so. In Loas I have two friends (a couple) that Richie doesn't really know very well so that will be fun with them driving us around. Richie has met each of them only briefly. I am not sure he has spent much time around lesbian couples but he did ok when we visited my other friends over Xmas/New Year.
I have told him if he decides to do naughty things in Thailand... I will leave him in the Thai jail and continue my holiday. I will not be haranging the government to get him out. Do the crime and do the time I told him. So he knows where I stand.
I have organised the flights, hotels, visas, transfers, two tours, insurance, animals here looked after, mail being collected, bills paid up prior to going... all he has to do it pack and turn up basically. ONce we are on that plane, I am going into holiday mode. Land in Bali and get a Nasi Goreng and a massage every day. We have a hike up the volcanoe booked, other than that... its kick back and do nothing for three weeks. Walk around and see the sights of bangkok (I will not be leaving him alone for one minute) and then in Loas it is the New Year time so its a three day festival. Our birthday (we have the same birthday) in Singapore so I want to go to Changi prison and have a meal at Raffles and we are gonna go to the race track (but we don't gamble) to see something completely different.
I am actually going to practice... play it by ear!!!! OMG!!!!!! As long as my ear has a massage most days and I have my books, I am happy.
