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Aloha Family...bear with me as I tag on to Young's post "Clarity" for the moment with 2 more cents. When I read a post that includes mention of violence within the disease my "Spidey" senses go into full alert from my own experiences in the disease and as an Alternatives To Violence (former) mens' case manager. There is NO JUSTIFICATION for violence I use to hammer into my cases and their victims and that will never change. When they were/are sober they can hear the message more clearly. When they are under the influence of drugs and alcohol they cannot hear or remember the message at all. Under the influence out of their minds. A person under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs; any mind and mood altering chemical will do what they would never consider doing while being drug and alcohol free.
This experience isn't mean't for them...it is mean't for the members of MIP and Al-Anon whether you have this as a daily part of your lives as I do or just pass thru from time to time. This is a real part of my ESH. There is no room for denial on this issue because there is tons and tons of room for innocent victims of this disease.
Learn to build that boundary that you put up between being safe or being violated by any means.
From a foundation of Love and Concern. (((((hugs))))) Jerry F
As I have mentioned before in posts, my ex partner was violent when drinking... then he decided drinking was bad for us because we fought.... funny how the voilence didn't leave when the alcohol did. It does get worse. The person is violent or not in my opinion. Mine was drunk and violent, and then a non drinker and violent. The person did not change.
Thanks for being passionate. I wish I had a person that could have helped me when I was going through it. I did.. my family.. and they intervened in my first violent relationship, but after that, I knew how to keep it quiet so as not to get more ashamed.
Now... years on.. and having lived free from physical violence since September 1999..... (all the nines)... I can stand next to you and say to others... it is NOT acceptable.
I agree and after 15 years with my exAH one day it hit me not only did it get worse I started worrying for my life along with my kids. Drunk and scary with a gun in the house when he had already said in the past he wanted to kill me with it, hmmmm. Yeah I don't miss all the chaos and walking on eggshells. I used to think how could I live without him and now I wonder how did I ever live with him? He is a sad mess due to his illness and I had to save me and my kids. I no longer feel guilty I make my choices and he makes his own. I fully agree and although I was only threatened, bullied and tirn down verybally I knew it was coming! I now know I deserve more and am feeling so good about myself. I love this Al-anon recovery program!!!! Thanks for this share Jerry F!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My experience was similar. I used to argue and get so upset wtih our co-parenting counselor. He would blame all of ex's outbursts and abusive behavior on drinking (after we divorced he took up drinking, claimed I was crazy to say he was abusive prior and said he only got mean when he drank). I would sit there and state "he is like this sober and drunk, but apparently when he drinks he's more likely to be violent - that or he knew I'd flatten him if he ever laid a finger on me". The counselor didn't much care for that but it was true.
It took that counselor losing me and hearing story after story even when sober to find out ex indeed is just abusive by nature. Oh well I quit trying to co-parent with a nutjob. What's the point? I tell him only that which he NEEDS to know, the rest is none of his business.
But either someone can be abusive or not. And it's not OK nor will it improve when alcohol is removed.
A person under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs; any mind and mood altering chemical will do what they would never consider doing while being drug and alcohol free.
My experience reflects this. So true!
.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thank You for speaking on such an important and all too often ignored topic.
I was abused. I finally got out. I have been living for many years with no abuse. Except the occasional verbal assault of one of my adult children. That I am working on putting a boundary up for as well.
Here is the reality. It doesn't go away. No promises, presents, affection etc makes it go away. It does only get worse. My sons girlfriend was murdered by her ex. I met her two weeks before this happened and she was so afraid at that time of him. She insisted on going "home" though to protect what was hers. It was a living hell. I tried to persuade her that her life was more valuable than any property. The blank stare in her eyes told me I was talking to a wall. Two weeks later I had a phone call from my distraught son who arrived to visit her and found her home a crime scene-he was the last to speak to her 4 hrs beforehand.
When we were in treatment (for ex hubs addiction/alcoholism), the saying was drunk = drunk violent=violent a violent drunk=a violent drunk.
If You are in a violent relationship, make plans for escape. Have money hidden. Keys hidden along with a bag of essentials for you and your children. Have a plan in your head so you can act upon it and leave when you Need to and not a moment too late either. There is help out there for you, to help you. Go underground if you must.
I no longer jump, startle, fear, watch for certain tones or behaviours. I no longer protect another from their own responsibility to themselves, and to me. Oh how I love my freedom and the dignity that comes with it. No longer a flower being trampeled upon, I stand tall and bloom in the sun light.
Kudos Jerry! So rare to hear a man speak against this. I applaud you!
Thanks to all for your shares. I remember growing up, my father was very violent and abusive to my mother. She left him many times but she always went back. Other family members would berate her for doing that and ask why she kept returning to an obviously unhealthy relationship. Oh but I love him and he's not always this way. I used to wonder what she loved about him the most, the drinking, the lying, the broken promises, the infidelity, or the abuse? Of course I was too young to understand and my opinion didn't count. When I got older I found myself in an unhealthy abusive (verbally and emotionally) relationship. I left many times but I always came back. Because I thought I loved her and besides she wasn't always that way. So what did I love the most? History has a way of repeating itself. One day I was watching some national geographic film about how a caged animal that is set free almost invariably returns to the cage. It has known captivity so long that it doesn't know how to live free. And its fear of what it doesn't understand is greater than its fear of what it does understand. My mother was afraid to leave and I was afraid to leave not for fear of what the spouse would do, but it was fear of what we would do without them, how could we survive out there alone? who would want us anyway? and it was probably our fault anyway. maybe we deserved it? yaddah yaddah yaddah. my mother outlived my father and she did quite well on her own. I eventually divorced my spouse and met a fantastic woman. so it doesn't have to be the way it is. Just thought I'd toss that out there.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
