(tried to fix formatting, missed some) I'm no expert on anything, well except for my own life This will be long - I won't be hurt if you don't read it LOL.

I thought I'd share the "healthy detachment" perspective as it relates to someone who isnt an alcoholic. Because healthy detachment applies to all relationships. I had to learn it because my ex was controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, and still to this day he has zero boundaries. But we have 3 kids together so he's in my life at least for another 10 years (I have an 8 year old).

It's common to be co-dependent with an abusive person and to enable them. It's also an experience that "changes" you. When we were married I used every twisted excuse to validate staying. "I'm a Christian, we don't divorce", "I guess there's just a lot more worse than better", "He doesn't mean to be this way", "Everyone gets angry sometimes right?" I could go on.

It wasn't until I left, that I realized how bad it was. How many secrets I kept. How I would work the day so he was never "stressed out", how I would get between him and the kids so I got the brunt of his temper and not them. How I would threaten, plead and beg him to get help. How I would avoid being social because of the embarrassment.

When I left, that was when the full impact of just how much I had allowed him to control me. Just how clear it was that I would do anything he wanted to avoid a conflict, to avoid a blow up and to avoid his anger and wrath. How clear it became that if I tried to detach he went after the kids because I knew that would get me.

It took my therapist 2 years to unwedge me from that hook. Another 3 to learn new habits. He would send me threatening emails and I would take the bait and fight with him through emails and "stand up for myself" which was really just a fancy way of saying "I bought his game, I accepted it and I joined in". I can say to him "you don't scare me anymore" but what he hears is "it worked again, I can keep at her and confuse her, twist words, get her to trip up and probably eventually win yet another fight". I had to back out. If I got a text or email saying "I heard what you did and I'm taking you back to mediation and getting the kids and you will never see them again" I had to ignore it, show up to mediation SCARED, take a deep breath and be calm. If he texted me calling me names and accusing me of things that weren't true, I deleted without reading or responding.

I began to see that the more I stayed out of his mental illness, the more he spun his own wheels to the point of the tires going bald. Once he realized I was now a brick wall he was going to crash into over and over, that I was no longer taking the bait, he was left with just his sad pathetic insults. That's still his "go-to" when he tries once again to stick his mind into my mind, it fails and I leave him standing there with no one to argue with. It's usually a text with you're a 'xxxx' or "you're a loser" etc. It's now amusing to me because I'm standing on the outside of a tornado, completely unaffected watching him spin.

What I had to get more than just "his behavior is NOT MINE" is also that "my behavior is NOT HIS". I do not have to react to what he does. I do not need him to stop being abusive because that is asking for a lifetime of insanity. He is an abuser, I can ask a horse to be a fish but in the end I'm left feeling frustrated, angry and upset with the horse who is standing there blinking going "you want what?" Or I can say "that's a horse, I wanted a fish, I guess I better go fishing". I've had to take this learning a step further because the CA courts have insisted my kids stay in that environment under the threat of jail.

So I now spend each "traumatic event" with my kids teaching them that A: they cannot change their father, B: playing by his rules is recommended, C: sometimes their father is wrong, D: if his way isn't working, they don't have to copy or do the same.

What's funny is that those of us in such dramatic lives either with an abuser, with alcoholic parents, with an alcoholic or drug addicted partner, etc. we only see this from the gigantic side, everything is always so big. But you cant, you have to see every minute detail of the "healthy detachment". My loved one's disease/behaviors/etc are not a reflection of me. If my BF drinks, its not because I did or failed to do anything. I was not even a consideration when it occurred. For some that hurts to know but do you take your SO into consideration when you use the bathroom? Or when you buy yourself a Starbucks? Not likely, and with alcohol it's the same. It's just booze at the moment.

When my ex last week called me negligent for not knowing what time my 16 year old was coming home from a friends house Saturday night he didn't call me that because of me. He called me that because he can't stand to not have total control. He is unable to function without feeling as if he has complete control which leads to out of control behaviors. Like verbal abuse, or threats, or whatever his mode of punishment is for the moment. When an alcoholic drinks, they are not thinking of anyone, not even themselves, they are allowing the disease control and the disease has no emotions. It cant feel badly for what it is doing.

Now take this down another notch. Because this is where I began to get it. If you are married and let's say your spouse is pretty emotionally healthy. Let's say your spouse decides she's going to paint the living room hot pink while you are away and it's the same day you are bringing your boss home for dinner. You think everything is fine, you walk in the door and are met with the painful vision of a hot pink living room. Your possible reactions? Lie to cover it up: oh man, we paid some company to paint the living room mauve and look what they did! Or how about react: "honey!!! What in the hell are you thinking? Have you lost your mind? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen". How about this reaction? "You know, why dont we go down to Dennys tonight? Yeah let's do that" as you run back out the door. Those really are enabling. Ok yeah it's paint, who cares if we enable paint right?

First scenario: you just compromised your morals, you are now a liar. Second scenario: you took the bait and are now going to get caught up in an un-winable fight. Third scenario: you had to change your plans. How about this reaction: "Wow, I guess I better see what happened here today". You then go to wife and say "honey, I really don't like that color, its hard to even see in here let alone have a nice conversation in there or enjoy dinner. Can we discuss this later after my boss leaves?" This way you don't have to change anything, dinner goes on.

Now if you came home to a drunk wife it might look like this: "Mr. Boss, I will be right back, why dont I get you a soda and you make yourself comfortable on the couch just give me a few minutes'. You go to wife and say "you need to leave. I can take you to (destination) or you can find your way."  YOU dont change your plans, SHE changes her plans.

Learning to GET that their disease/behaviors are not a reflection of us, is a big deal. It's more than just "focus on me" and includes "remove their attempt to involve me". If your drunk spouse says "if you were just more understanding I wouldn't drink" the truth is what? "It doesn't matter if I'm purple and beating you with a bat your drinking is a choice you made, leave me out of it'> I dont have to jump off a cliff because my ex calls me names. I choose how I react to him. Nothing HE DOES makes my reaction any less mine. If he stands to my face (and has) calling me every name in the book, my anger is mine. My outrage is mine. My response is MINE. I could go eat a bag of oreos and wallow. I could hit him. I could scream in his face, he didnt make me do anything. I choose to say calmly "I don't tolerate that treatment" and I walk away/shut the door/drive off, whatever. Leave him standing with his abuse. Leave your alcoholic standing with the bottle and walk away or send them away.

That is the only way to make it theirs. When we try to minimize, change,  reduce, or fix anything we are allowing the disease control. Once we can do this, within reason, and with the help of a sponsor, counselor, both, etc we can learn to still love this person. I enjoy doing little things for people, as long as my motive is strong, and I don't expect anything it's fine. I got my ABF a journal, a nice one. I could afford it, I was happy to do so. He could drink the next day and I refuse to play the "but I've done so much for you game". The only one that gets hurt in that game is the giver by the way. I gave him the journal, he can burn it, use it or give it away. Its not mine and I don't need to know what he did with it nor was it bought to buy his sobriety. It was fun to get it, end of story. Now if he burns it, I won't get him another LOL.

That's a whole other topic, but now I'm learning to identify the difference between loving behavior and enabling. I'm sure I have a long way to go to get it. That's why I come here and bounce things like St. Patrick's Day off ya'll

Disclaimer: as I am only an expert on what has worked for me, and as I always want to be challenged, I am 100% open to my ideas being challenged, pushed, pulled and inspected. Because everyone learns when that happens.