The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here as I have stumbled upon this site while looking for meeting information in my town. I have read some of the posts here and really feel a connection. I am going to tell my story, as it is one you have all heard before, but I feel like I need to let someone know the burden I have carried.
I am 23y/o and have been with my ABF for 2 years and it has affected us for about the past year or so. I don't think I noticed it as much when we didn't live together because I put up blinders, or I wasn't around him everyday so I didn't see this behavior or I made excuses for him. But when he moved in it really opened my eyes to a lifestyle that I am uncomfortable with and unfamiliar with.
It started out being 2 or 3 nights a week of getting "hammered" and it gradually progressed. During this 2 yr relationship he quit cold turkey for 6 months bc of an ultimatum that I had given but found his way back. So far he has lost his job twice! Started hitting me, trying to throw me down my apt steps, lost every dime he has and was involved in a hit and run accident while drunk. I have kicked him out and when I do that he tells me the same "I'm sorry and I'll never do it again" lies that he has said before. I went to his mom for help, she proposed we do an "intervention" and I agreed and went along with her. That was March 16th (my bday), he sat there and told us how he was going to try and do better and quit drinking and he wanted more out of life than what he has. That lasted 12 hours, on March 17th while I was at work for 12hrs he went with some buddies turned his phone off bc knew I was going to be mad and then was in a car accident that night. He then came home and used me to take his "frustration" out on. He came to me this time and said he was sorry, that no woman deserves to be treated that way, said he would never do it again BLAH BLAH and that he's done drinking. It has been a week and one day since he's had a drink but I find myself sick to my stomach thinking about a relapse.
I have offered to go to AA meetings with him or to pay for a rehab and he says no he can do it on his own. So I have decided to go to Al-Anon meetings bc I don't know how to deal with the anger and resentment I have built up over the years while dealing with this. I come from a home environment that didn't allow alcohol and I find myself never wanting it, so its hard for me to understand the power it has over someone.
I just don't know what to expect, when you have heard the "I'm sorry's" or the "It'll never happen again's" so many times they lose their meaning and I'm at the point. I don't trust him, I'll call his phone and when he doesn't answer I find myself getting sick to my stomach thinking he has relapsed. It almost feels like he has had an affair with alcohol, like he's cheating on me with it. I know that probably doesn't make sense but thats how I feel.
Thanks for letting me vent, I just needed to get this off my chest, now on to find a meeting!
__________________
"Do one thing everyday that scares you" Eleanor Roosevelt
I am glad you found Miracle in Progress and are not lost any longer. I am glad you posted and are looking for face to face meetings You are worth it.
.
Alanon believes that Alcoholism is a disease. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. Meetings.help to break the isolation and offers new tools to live by. It is suggested that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months in program unless you are in a situation of danger.
We all deserve to feel safe in our own home and if not then it is important to have an escape plan or an alternate solution. Check out the women hotlines in our community as well .
The tools of alanon helped to save my sanity and life I urge you to join us and keep coming back here and sharing the journey
I hope your meeting was a good one, an eye opener and a place of hope for you. You are qualified in spades to be here and in Al-Anon and while I was reading your post and I started adding up the alcoholic events I wanted to scream STOP!! because I was revisiting what it was like for me. I was reading it aloud while my wife (also a long time member of Al-Anon) was standing behind me and she remarked..."only the names change". I remembered my sponsor asking me after I gave him my own story of crises and chaos and excuses and promises to stop "which one was doing the talking...your alcoholic/addict or your wife?" Learning which one was in the room at anyone time was very important to me if I was going to make good choices for me when she was involved. This disease is very very cunning powerful and baffling and sometimes its because I allow it to be. My concern for you is increased when you mention the physical assault. Built a big thick wall around that so that it never touches you again. That is a huge nudge on the 911 phone button and a scream for help. I'm a former Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager and I use to tell them that if their significant other, or wife or girl friend wouldn't or couldn't forever reason get them put down; I would. Drunk or not there is NO JUSTIFICATION for violence especially when the abuser is out of their mind. Consider yourself blessed and don't let that happen again...you don't even have to warn him...just do it.
Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 26th of March 2012 05:31:35 PM
Thanks guys! Its nice to know that there are people here who support you and know what you're going through. I am going to a beginners meeting tonite at 630!
__________________
"Do one thing everyday that scares you" Eleanor Roosevelt
I am so glad you are going to a meeting to get the support you deserve. The meetings help so much with the pain and confusion. Sending you trememndous support. You are going to be ok. big hug p.s. The newcomer's packet (avail at all meetings for free) was very helpful for me to start with.
Please remember that no one has a right to hurt you.
Domestic violence is a crime.
Addiction is an illness. Unfortunately, both of these problems are difficult to talk about. Drinking and drug use, can make it hard for you to stay safe.
It is important to realize violence is not caused by drinking and drugging, although that can lead to increased vulnerability. If you are in an abusive relationship and concerned about his drinking and behaviour you can get information on how to protect yourself.
You have come to the right place for friendship and comfort.
You will hear, read and share in Al-Anon and be able to make choices for yourself.
Hi and welcome to MIP! I am glad you posted and wanted you to know that I can realte to your share. No one deserves to be treated in unacceptable ways whether its physical or emotional abuse. Please take care of yourself and I am so glad you are going to attend Al-anon meetings. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie are great books that I started with. Sending you love and support on your journey! And know you are so worth it! Keep coming back!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It doesn't feel stupid to type alcohol feels like an affair .. in my experience, my partner was an addict so yeah it felt like an affair because the behaviors were those of an affair .. Constant lying .. Secrety phonecalls .. Missing money .. Bumping into others I don't know .. Plenty of excuse making, etc., mass deception .. they are the same behaviors of the affair; it's why it will always feel like one ..
i'm so tired can barely post; need to start a topic too but no can do tonight .. take care .. keep coming !!
Its always good to remember the three C's. You didnt Cause it. You can't Control it. And you can't Cure it. I always thought it was my fault. If I'd been a better this or a better that then they wouldn't be the way they were. And I tried to control them. tried to limit what they did or gave ultimatums. all sorts of crazy behavior. the problem was I can't control something that is uncontrollable. And of course I tried to Cure them, to fix them, to make them stop, to well I'm sure you know what I mean. It was great to hear you share honestly about your feelings. It is after all a disease of feelings. Keep coming back, my friend
__________________
Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Welcome! I have to say, I am alarmed that you are being physically abused. It is NOT ok. What amazes me, is that Any of us stay around long enough for there ever to be a round two of it again! Myself included! THankfully, I've been freed from that snare for many years now. I pray you will dig down deep inside to find the place where you can elevate yourself to the place that you are not second hand Anything and are deservivng of kindness, respect and consideration. Plain and simple.
THis program will help you to start loving yourself again. You showed your initiative by coming here.! Abusers tear people down and discredit them. Here, you will learn to detach from that and much more! I am looking forward to seeing the flower that you are Bloom again in brilliant color!
Settling for less than the best,,,,,is not an option:)
Welcome to this group. I once lived with an alcoholic who did hit and runs and trashed all our cats. I can very much identify with all the anxiety you are going through.
I took him back so many times. I am thinking now of some of our epic arguments that involved his rage and blame and complete lack of responsbility. That is a very very hard way to live.
I know that al anon helped me tremendously. The first way it helped was to be around people who understood, didn't judge and didn't simply tell me to leave him. At that time I had so many entanglements with him (home, car, pets, money) that leaving was not an option.
The second way it helped was to teach me detachment. I had to learn how to detach when he went out drunk and drove because I found myself literally sick to my stomach and unable to do anything but worry. That is not a good place to be. So I had to learn to detach. Some days it was by the minute, other days I could do it for a whole evening.
The third way it helped was to put the focus back on me. What was my day like. Where was I going. Who did I talk to. I started spening a lot of time here on this board. We have a chat room, you can go there any time. There are also meetings twice a day. I had people checking on me asking me how I was. I don't know about you but the now ex alcoholic didn't have much room to ask me how I was.
I had to take the focus off my gnawing resentment at him and his issues. I could then focus on making decisions that would help me. I spent a lot of time with our pets, that was rewarding and nourishing. I found other activities that felt good rather than spend hours and days wondering what was next.
Believe me I spent a lot of time raging, complaining and talking about my situation here. That all helped too first of all because I felt heard (I never felt heard by the alcoholic) secondly it helped because I could see I was in a no-win situation and third it helped because I really could see I was in a place where I was getting physically ill.
Welcome to al anon. I can't say it is a place where any one of us wants to come but once we get here its home. This is place you can find love, understanding, non judgment and help in so many ways.....
