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My guess is that his recovery is not very deep, at least at this point. Is he working a program?
There are all kinds of reasons why a person might not make amends: he's still in denial, or he thinks admitting he did anything he should regret is demeaning, or he can't face the fact that he's imperfect, or he can't give up the moral high ground, or he feels humiliated ... or a dozen other reasons.
To me it seems clear that if you hurt someone, whether or not you remember it, whether or not you intended to, they're still hurt. So that's a problem that's going to come between you. That's a problem that needs addressing.
Do you have meetings and a sponsor? Finding your way forward on this requires wisdom and support.
I find myself waiting for my AH (from whom I'm separated) to apologize to me too. While he is 7 months sober and working a program, but has a long way to go in his recovery. Whenever the topic of step 9 comes up, he says he isn't there yet. He can't just apologize for the sake of doing it without really getting to that step spiritually. Maybe your AH isn't there yet. Maybe he will get there, maybe not. One of the tough things is having expectations too soon. I was hoping that once my AH had a few months sobriety things would start to really change. I realize now it may take years, if ever, for me to trust him. I still would like an apology, but I'm not waiting for it anymore. Sending you support.
I don't think we can expect an apology every time...not that we don't deserve one. I am just starting this journey, but went through similar things while my AH and I were recovering from a long term affair he had. He knows that he hurt me, but he has never said the words "I'm sorry."
For a long time, that bothered me. Now, I guess I have accepted that his apology may not have been said, but it was shown in his actions then and now.
Focusing on the apology means we harbor resentment and that's a wasted emotion. As hard as I find it to let go of some of my emotions, I have found that letting go of this one has brought me immense peace. It may work the same with an AH.
Hi! I know this is a little different, but I went with my daughter and my husband, ( who is now deceased) to see my Xhusband, who was an A/A and sex A during our 17 yr marriage while he was on his death bed, I thought he would apologize to me for all the womanizing, drinking and drugging he did to me, but not a word. I had already forgiven him, he was also remarried that is the reason my husband went with us.
Highlyfavored!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
There's a difference, in my opinion, between an apology and an amends. They're not the same thing.
I think that may be why so many spouses of A's either wait an eternity for or might never hear an official "I apologize" or "I'm sorry" from their A when they're in recovery. The 9th step says "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." It does not say "Told such people I was sorry..." or "Apologized to such people..."
An amends is an alteration of a set course... of behaviors, etc. It's an action item not necessarily a verbal item. Every situation is unique, but typically when someone is trying to amend things, that means they're trying to change their behaviors - in light of a recovery program, it would be to change their behaviors for the better.
To me, talk is cheap. An "I'm sorry" can be blurted out easily, but a change in behaviors not so much.
My A apologized to me numerous times for all of his poor decisions and hurtful actions. He never changed, however. I would have much rather seen an amendment in his behaviors than hear another "I'm sorry" from him. Sure, apologies are nice, but they get old and lose their sincerity when nothing changes.
Have you been getting to any Al-Anon meetings? There will be a question that will come up for you one day... something along the lines of "What if you never get an apology? Do you think you can decide to be happy if one never comes?"
Thanks Aloha for your definition. I was wondering why I was still in my marriage. Even though my husband still drinks, he is no where near as bad as when I first started alanon. After going to al-ateen, our children no longer hate him either. I guess in his way, he is making amends for us, a little at a time.
Aloha.. thanks heaps for that. My Dad has never apologised to me and I know I would love for him to. But he tells me he loves me. He is a good man at heart even though we argue like cat and dog. He changed his life for us. I can understand that on an intellectual level.
Maybe I will have to start the conversation one day, but yes, he has made his ammends in his own way I guess.
Why can't the alcoholic do both..make amends in change of behavior and also apologize?It seems that we need both, and I am sure that all of us in our lives have had to apologize and make amends. To verbalize one's regret and sorrow at hurting those we love seems logical, and would be cathartic to the A. And, think of the positive changes it could make in a relationship...
I sometimes think that the A gets a free pass in what is considered pretty basic human interaction...
Hi Auntyaya - that's a good question. I think I should clarify that it's not an either/or situation. I'm certain many A's have verbally apologized and changed their behaviors at the same time.
Sure, apologies are nice. It's a verbal and clear confirmation that the person recognized they hurt someone. In my personal experience, apologies lose their strength when nothing ever changes after the apology comes along. "Oh, I'm sorry I cheated on you." and then out the A goes and cheats again.
It's an individual choice for each person to make, though, on whether or not they can decide they can be happy or not without receiving both an apology along with an amends.
For me, it puts me into a possible negative holding pattern if I decided that changed behaviors weren't good enough and I will not rest until a verbal apology comes my way. It reminds me of expecting someone outside of myself to change so I can finally be okay.
Just wanted to add my thoughts to this subject. I found that when I worked MY Steps and reached Step 9 ---I too had to own my part in the madness and also change.
I implememted my alanon tools, for many months and felt my changed behavior and attitudes were stable. I then approached Step 9 with my husband. and had the discussion about MY part in the madness and chaos . I expressed regret and much to my surprise a wonderful two way street of cummunication opened.
I have been held and rocked with my nose bleeding and my eyes swelling shut while the perpetrator gushed his apologies and cried into my hair. How sorry he was and how he wouldn't do it again... then the .. 'but' came.
With my husband I can accept it isn't in the words he says. He shows his love in his actions. My husband says sorry to me alot. For little things and I know the words mean nothing. Sorry is just a word I guess. One time he did apologise for real when he saw how upset I was. He held me and looked into my eyes and really said he was sorry for what he did (it was nothing physical, I just had a panic attack cos he didn't call me when on a fishing trip and deliberately didn't answer his phone and he was very late and I ended up ringing hospitals and such incase he was dead i a ditch, I was very upset).
He rings me now and I know he actually meant that apology. Its in the actions, but boy I can see what yo uare saying.. its nice to get both.
I have never expressed to my Dad how much he hurt me and what I believe the consequences of his drinking had on me. Not sure if I should or not???
Sometimes I feel that it hurts more when they say "i'm sorry" and they are just doing it for out benefit. I know when my ABF said he was sorry or that he wasn't going to do this/that again or he was going to quit and then when he did the same thing it made me hurt more. So maybe he's just not there yet, maybe he doesn't want to say he's sorry until he is where he wants to be in his recovery. i know this last time my ABF said he wasn't making any promises this time because he has broken so many. I hope that you can move forward with your recovery as well without hearing it as it may not come.
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"Do one thing everyday that scares you" Eleanor Roosevelt
I think amends are pretty hard ones to go through. For some people those steps come after a long period of sobriety. Do you have the book Getting them Sober. Really it takes at least 2 years for any form of sobriety to take hold for most people. Some people stay on the surface their entire life.
I held out for sorry from so many people. That resentment was really hard to bear. I had to work hard to let go. I found some solace in books like Women who run with the wolves that outlines ways not to feel so much resentment.
I have been where you are with this subject. My hubby has been in AA for 12 years and never once addressed the issue of how he acted during his years of drinking. At first I was very hurt by it..... very hurt. I always thought if he couldn't acknowledge that he did something wrong, or even just not nice, how could he change that which he couldn't even recognize? But I sure didn't want an apology that I had to ask for. I kept waiting. I didn't say anything to him. I complained to my Al-Anon friends for years. They were very gracious and understanding. His behavior was better but I wanted more.
Finally I really thought it through and came to a realization that I didn't want an apology anymore. I am at the point that I am over it. And, truth be told, I never listen to his words anyway.... not that he has many words. I watch his actions. If he said he was sorry about anything I wouldn't believe he was really sorry. I believe he would just be saying it for his own satisfaction. When I read and studied step 9 I learned that amends are all about making your side of the street clean and not about how the other person accepts your apology or amend. So he would be apologizing just to make himself feel better, not to make me feel better.
