"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Need Advice Hurting

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

I understand what you are saying. I've been there. I felt used, too.

I thought if I didn't fulfill all my AH's (alcoholic husband's) requests for physical intimacy then I was being a "bad wife." The reality is, just like you explained, I didn't want physical intimacy after being belittled and lied to. And, quiet honestly, I hated the smell of alcohol on his skin.

I allowed my AH to convince me that there was something wrong with me. I even went to my doctor (while I was still in denial about my AH's disease). I wanted to know what was wrong with me. Luckily, I have an amazing doctor who took the time to tell me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

My body, my sexuality, my intimacy are things I can control. They are mine to use kindly and gently. They are not things I give away just because someone wants them. It has taken me a year+ of working my program to accept and understand this.

There is nothing wrong with you. Keep working your steps. Keep focusing on yourself. Keep working on your recovery.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You have a right to say NO , I understand how you feel its difficult to feel any affection for someone who constantly puts you down . It was the hardest boundary to set for me but finally learning to respect myself made it possible . It is not that he dosent want to spend time with you, his disease needs to drink which makes him unavailable emotionally . Booze talk remember its all booze talk . thinking of you tonite . Louise

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Thank you both so much for replying. I means so much to me, you can never know! I'm going to keep working my steps and praying for knowledge of God's will and the strength to carry it out.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

We have a great old saying in "you can't get bread from a hardward store", in that - you are most likely NOT going to get emotional support, rational discussion, or even simple empathy - from an active alcoholic....

Al-Anon is your "bread store", where you can get that emotional support, where you can be safe and comfortable sharing your fears, successes, failures, and everything in between...

In my experience, it is an exercise in futility to expect these things from an active A...

My wise old sponsor used to remind me (over and over) - "Tom, why would you keep expecting a sick and irrational person (my A) to behave in healthy and rational ways??"

Take care, and keep coming back

Tom

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Thank you so much, Tom. I've been reading over old posts on here and it's been such an encouragement!

I understand the bread store analogy, but have a hard time accepting it because my AH used to be pretty good about giving emotional support and now all he does is belittle me and pick fights for no reason. Maybe if I had never gotten any "bread" from him in the past I could accept it better now. Obviously, he's much sicker now than he was in the past.

Also, my AH is the guy everyone thinks is so great. He's always there for his friends (at least the ones who drink all the time), and our kids idolize him. He can come home drunk and pick a fight with me and if I so much as stick up for myself the kids look at me like I'm the meanest person alive and tell me I should be nicer to him. It's very frustrating and it really hurts.

But, I am going to keep working my steps and if it turns out that I have to leave him for the sake of my sanity and health then I will have to cross that bridge when it comes. Right now I'm just going to keep praying and working my steps.

Thanks so much for the support. I will be coming back!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand so well. I had the same reactions to my ex who wasn't drinking but was just as mean, nasty, belittling, etc. I wish at the time I had sought help. I always felt bad that I was no longer attracted to him. Now I realize - what did he expect? I don't know what i would do given the same situation. I can say I might clearly state "I'm not attracted to someone who puts me down and attempts to make me feel terrible about myself, I'm sorry but I just don't want to be intimate with you".

I don't think that would have helped though. It would have most likely led to him baiting fights. But maybe if I had, I could just ignore the attempts to fight, blame me and twist the words. I don't know for sure but I do know this, there's nothing written that says to me that I have to be intimate with someone I don't care to even be in the same room with.

Hugs though, I do completely understand.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

That was how I felt with my exAH for a long time. It is hard so hard to get your needs met from an A. I love what Tom said. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Both great books. Sending you love and support!

Grace7 · Senior Member

You Never have to give yourself away as a prostitute to your spouse because he wants you too. Your body is a gift. You give it As a Gift. Do not feel guilty for not giving your gift to someone who does not cherish it and abuses it! No! Treat yourself with honor and demand others do too.

Remember this. YOU are precious. You give yourself Only to a mate who treats you as such.

Co-Dependent No More is a great read. I'm sure there are some things that will benefit you. Your children are Watching and Listening. I don't care how old or where they are in the home. The Are listening. What are they being taught? Another thing to ponder. Take care of you for You are worth it!

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

That's basically what I've been saying to him. He gets ticked off then pouts and basically does whatever he can to make me miserable, but at least he gets the message when I say that.

The sad thing is, I don't want my marriage to end, but this may drive him away. He takes it really hard when I don't want to be intimate, but on some level I think he understands why.

Thank you for the support. I really need it right now.Everyone in this group has been so supportive!

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

No, I haven't read those. I will see if my local library has them or if they can get them.

I know I need to really delve into the literature. This forum is helping a lot too!

Thank you for the support!

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Grace7 wrote:
You Never have to give yourself away as a prostitute to your spouse because he wants you too. Your body is a gift. You give it As a Gift. Do not feel guilty for not giving your gift to someone who does not cherish it and abuses it! No! Treat yourself with honor and demand others do too.

Remember this. YOU are precious. You give yourself Only to a mate who treats you as such.

Co-Dependent No More is a great read. I'm sure there are some things that will benefit you. Your children are Watching and Listening. I don't care how old or where they are in the home. The Are listening. What are they being taught? Another thing to ponder. Take care of you for You are worth it!

Thank you so much! I will try to find that book. And yes...sadly, I think our kids are well aware of the distance and unhappiness between us.

I am doing my best to be pleasant to my AH, but then that encourages him and makes him want intimacy even more.

I have quite a dilema here. I'm just going to stick to my plan of working the steps and see what happens.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"