"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

I've lost it, I know how to get it back, but not sure I want it

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What a great reminder of the recovery journey...finding out that the life I had wasn't my own. LOL...The instruction "get a life" for me really mean't "get your own life" I my response to that was similar to this, when I responded, "I can't" what a my sponsor told me was "It's not that you can't' it's that you won't". That reminded me of my oppositional, defiant disorder and that one of the consequences would and could be that I would disrupt any recover she had gained and it would send her "out" again...which it did and I had to own it. Consider the alternatives and consequences of being not sure you want it...not only for youself but for all that you touch. It is not only the alcoholic that carries this disease often times you can identify the alcoholic by looking at their spouses or friends or family members. Scarey...relapse is soooo scarey.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

there is SO much comfort in the familiar...some days I am just petrified of the unknown...and in some ways the chaos of living with my exA was very predictable...AND when life was crappy...obviously it was all HIS fault. That worked for me too.

what is cool is that you are recognizing your ambivalence around recovery...that is a huge insight...

and if you had your act all together..what the heck would you need us for? biggrin

in fellowship

rp

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

hugely useful post to me this evening. I too need to put the focus on me rather than others.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh boy, I sooooooo needed to read this thread today! I am struggling with how I sometimes make waves that I don't need to, just because it's what is familiar.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Ride the wave my friend and know that it will circle back around as long as you work your program.

Jerry shared a while back about getting his spouse out from under the magnifying glass and I gotta say that one spoke volumes to me. When I get out of HP's way and stop trying to force my will (my will being obsessing about what my spouse is or is not doing, .. actually just insert anything in place of spouse .. LOL) on everyone around me things in my life go so much easier. It takes me getting busy to get better. There is always something happening with me (HALT) when it comes to acting on my "old" norm.

Hugs P :)

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I do know what you mean and how you feel. I go through it regularly and have to fight it off. Al-Anon is as bad for our "fixing" as AA is for their drinking. Now that I know what I am facing, I have to act differently or be very uncomfortable.

I wanted to go back to the old ways and be who I used to be. I wanted my fantasy of how my marriage ought to be and how it ought to work. And when I was back in the old days, doing what I used to do, I had my fantasy. It worked for my neighbors, who are normal. It worked for my parents, who were normal. I wanted to care about him, take care of him and be a really close couple. I would live under his skin if I could and he would let me. But everything that I learned in Al-Anon nagged at me that it couldn't be that way. It was just my fantasy. We have a relationship disease that says I have to keep my hands off him. I can't live under his skin unless I was willing to be an eventual mental case. It takes two to make a healthy marriage and if I stayed in Al-Anon I could be half of it, but he has to do his part for his half. We are not a normal couple, and we do not have a normal marriage. We have a disease in our family.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When I have periods like this, I understand what it is like to be an alcoholic. The thinking, "Yeah, I know it's technically not healthy for me, but I'm doing fine and it feels so nice. I bet nothing bad will really happen down the line. I don't see the need to go through the whole recovery thing. Things are okay as they are." We all know how that looks from the outside, but at times like this we understand it from the inside. If we are careful to look at it from the outside too, we get more perspective.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie that's so insightful. I think you hit that perfectly. Just like with any recovery, just because today or this week was a bust doesn't mean it has to continue. We all have bad days, just need to dust off.

usedtobeanyer · Senior Member

Funny thing, today we were grocery shopping and my wife was doing something that I found unacceptable. It was nothing really, such a minor thing but I focused so much on it. I watched her from a distance and I felt a rush of adrenaline as this was going on. I felt as if I was enjoying the moment, watching my "sick"' "messed up"' "screw up" of a wife doing something that was so deplorable. What was it, you ask? Talking to a girl in the deli department for about 3 minutes. Horrible, right? Nothing wrong with me folks, she's the one with the problem. And this adrenaline rush I felt was almost intoxicating. I couldn't take my eyes off her and there was a part of me that wanted something more serious to happen.

I originally wrote "I've lost it, and I don't know how to get it back." But that's not true at all. I know just how to get it back.

Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for your words. I needed to hear all of them.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that feeling! Sometimes I just act like a 4 year-old having my tantrum, I want what I want. Often times, I think the fear that comes up is all related to my childhood abandonment issues. Of course, I know my partner is not responsible for fixing that.

Unfortunately in my marriage, we were soooo enmeshed. We were not on our separate journeys whatsoever, we were always in each others business. So often, I was in HIS business, and then I wondered why, many years later in a counseling office, I cried and cried about being just a shell of a person. I was the disappearing woman. Today I know, I was always focused on his business. No one was tending to my business, no one was "home" for me. I abandoned me.

Your post also made me think how in the beginning, I thought step 6 was so silly, it seemed so unnecessary to me. Today I know, like you do... sometimes I am just NOT entirely ready. Sometimes, as you describe, I am getting something out of it. So why would I want to let it go? I get high on an adrenaline rush, it's addictive.

Soooo... I keep coming back, like you. The great thing is, the old you would NEVER be looking at it today, you might have acted on the stories in your head, you may have needed to make amends today. How awesome that today, you are doing something different, you are seeing it, my friend.

I'll add that it really helps me to work the steps for ME by saying, I am powerless over my brain... and the way I THINK, having been raised in an alcoholic home. What I think MUST be challenged. My brain grew up in an alcoholic/codependent home, stayed in an alcoholic marriage for 26 years until recovery came along, it's just doing what a brain like that will do. I am powerless over that brain I have but I CAN get with a power greater.... It reminds me of a program suggestion to pause when agitated, so that I can choose to ASK GOD FOR HELP.

That's what I gotta do, I gotta ask. I gotta surrender my old self. I have choices in recovery. The other choice is to let that 4 year-old brain run my life.

Thank God for recovery, eh? lol Together we can do what we (I) never could do alone, your honesty helps me get honest with myself, so thank you for posting your journey.

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 26th of March 2012 11:09:25 AM

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 26th of March 2012 11:13:49 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

That is some serious growth .. UTB .. I mean being able to spot it when you do it is big. Be easy on yourself. You are in new territory. New behaviors, having to relate to someone on a whole new level, it's really something else to have to change.

"Nothing wrong with me folks, she's the one with the problem. And this adrenaline rush I felt was almost intoxicating."

Thank you for this part of your share so much because I've been having to battle this one myself a LOT recently. That adrenaline .. that stuff is powerful.

Great thread thanks for putting it out there, hugs P :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

All I can add to this thread..... is that recovery is seldom a straight line (neither ours, nor the A's)..... it is not always logical and 'better today than yesterday'....

We have all seen you grow, and come through so much....

If you expand your time reference a bit.... 3 months, 1 year, etc - I think you'll see (with us) how far YOU have come, and quite honestly, the fact that we learn & grow, almost 'negates' the option to simply stop.... Our minds/hearts typically won't allow it...

Keep on keeping on...

Tom

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love all teh ESH you received! I second what Canadianguy said, its a process and we are always learning and growing and we choose our path. Change takes time and is not easy. Sending you love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"