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Taking care of myself is a completely new concept. I've always been the people pleaser- I'm the one who would always say yes without hesitation.
Today I said I would show up to an event even though didn't want to. The trains ended up being a mess and it would have been over an hour commute & the thought was giving me overwhelming anxiety. Why do I insist on hurting myself just to please others? why don't I ever just show up for me & my health?
I decided to cancel my plans & not show up and am now spending the day wracked with guilt & beating myself up- screaming at myself for bring unreliable, lazy, selfish, etc. When in reality, I was just trying to take care of myself. It's such a foreign scary feeling. I don't know how to take care of myself.
I'm going to try to spend the rest of the day separating my feelings from fact. Going forward, I want to pause before committing to things. I want to think before leaping for others & ask will this hurt me?
Any advice on how to quiet my feelings of guilt & self-hatred would be much appreciated. Thank you al-anon family.
No is a complete sentence on it's own. It IS ok to say and not feel guilty. I would encourage you to think of yourself as a good/ bff friend and if this person called you and said, I feel guilty because I have cancelled plans I didn't want to make. What would you say to her? Would you berate her? Would you tell her she's important? Would you say it's ok to say no and do something for own self care? Then extend the same kindness and compassion to yourself.
By all means be easy on yourself and easy does it, .. it sounds to me like your expectation of yourself is just way to high. Feelings are not facts, you can think something or feel something and you don't have to act on it. Feelings are neither right or wrong .. they just are, .. and they do need to be processed and let go of.
Keep coming back and keep working a program because you are worth it.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Kate, Big hugs and support your way. You have great awareness!
I have so so been there...and am still learning the dance of this. What I had to do for myself was I had to get to alanon meetings and read read read the literature. I decided that I was going to just have to say no to almost anything anyone asked me because I felt like I couldn't handle one more thing. I am slowly integrating more yes's as time goes on...but only when I feel comfortable with it. I still mess up at times and then gently vear myself back on the right road again. I have put myself last on the list for my whole life until now. I love the slogans and I have learned alot from the vetrans here. Easy does it and keep it simple are great ones. This program works and it has changed my life. Keep sharing your journey and we are here in support for you.
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It is very difficult to have a pity party when I am celebrating all the gratitude I have in my life!
It will aither work out, . . . or, . . . It will work out."
Hi, I used to do this too. I could never say no and felt really guilty if I put myself first. However although i felt uncomfortable saying no I did and soon my feelings changed . I was less resentful towards others because I was only doing stuff if I really wanted to. My self estemm rose because I was being true to myself. Some people did not like the new me but I found out who my true friends were. It is not selfish to take care of you no one else will. you are changing and your mind needs time to catch up.
Thank you all so much for the helpful responses! Yes I put way too much pressure on myself and it really helps to have people to call me out on it :) I'm going to commit to making more meetings and reading the literature in order to reinforce this new al-anon perspective.
I can completely relate, especially the part about changing your mind and then feeling guilty and selfish! What made this entrenched habit more difficult for me was the past couple of relationships the guys said that I was the selfish one, for not doing...well, just about everything. But before those relationships, I was single for a long time, so in addition to feeling responsible for the world I didn't know what an even steven relationship should look like.
It's a new way of thinking, this self care sans guilt, your post made me feel less alone with this issue. Thanks!
This helps me a bit: the other month I was helping some friends move and found a fridge button with the word, "GUILT" and a big red line through the middle of it. My friends said, " You should have this!" It's now sitting smack dab in the middle of my refrigerator :)
I still want to ignore my red flags and blaze on ahead anyway in the name of doing what others want, but with Al-anon I now know tyo stop and not react! After thinking about it and if I decide no I even drop the guilt because I don't owe anyone any part of myself that makes me feel like a sacrifice except maybe my kids because I choose to be a great Mom. I have learned to take care of myself so that I can give from my overflow and not my reserves that I need for me! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
