I posted yesterday and everyone was so wonderful. I looked for Al Anon meetings here and the closest one is 58 miles from here. I don't get that, but what can I do?

My question is...does it seems that alcoholics start drama even when they are sober? I ask because my soon to be ex seemed to go out of his way to push my buttons even when he was sober....and of course when we fought about it he would drink more. He knew how I felt about the drinking.

And, it seems like he would do whatever his ex and daughter wanted him to do (even tho the ex was constantly cheating on him). Its like he has the 'bad girl' syndrome and doesn't respect decent women.

I am just trying to find some answer as to why he made so many promises to me and then would break them, but wouldn't break promises to his daughter, his ex (who is remarried), or his friends. I feel like I am not even worthy of an alcoholic. I don't mean that in pity....I just don't get it.

Can you shed some light please? I need to process all this. Thanks.

 

 

 

Hugs,

You know what I have found in trying to rationalize an irrational disease is that it's just not going to happen. I can gain insight to what being an alcoholic is like, I can empathize with the fact that they are ill. As to know what goes on inside another persons head is so not going to happen. Sometimes the best thing I can do is accept the situation as it is and let it go. Even if I get the answers to "why" I'm not going to understand them anyway because I am still going to try and fit a square peg into a round hole and it just doesn't work.

My suggestion is that you focus on yourself and not your A. This is where I am finding the greatest healing for myself. If there is no Alanon meeting in the area .. for me finding an open AA meeting is something that has helped me a great deal. We only have 4 meetings in our area through the week for Alanon and I need the extra push to get through the week. It is something that really helps me greatly to hear what these folks in AA have to share and I can then get perspective on how truly powerless I am over addiction and that my own program is where I need to focus on and let my A focus on recovery or choosing not to recover. Whatever he chooses to do his program is not my business. My business is getting busy on my life.

There is a great book called Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice?) .. sorry I get confused .. lol. It's a very short read and it is a wealth of information. I also encourage you to pick up a paperback version of How Alanon Works, .. it's 5$ through Amazon.com.

I agree with LMH .. the picking at has everything for looking for an excuse to go and drink. If you get invited to a fight you don't have to participate in it.

Hugs P :)

Welcome to the boards I hope you will keep coming back :)

I have heard other people on this board make the same exact statements such as "It's like I'm not even worthy of love from a cheating, no good, alcoholic" ....or some variety of that statement.

Here is the deal with that reasoning. It's flawed because at the root of it all, he is busted. Don't apply reason to him cuz he's not operating with a full deck. You not being worthy? I agree you aren't worth that. Why?...You are worth so much MORE than what he is giving and that is why you are having these problems with him.

I do understand and empathize with where you are coming from here though. It's hard not to have moments of self-pity and thinking less of yourself when you are facing an impending divorce. Try and focus on what is real, what is constructive, and what is helpful. Naturally you feel like crap about this situation but DO NOT fall into the trap of thinking you ARE crap because of the situation and especially not because of him. This is the time to be telling yourself how awesome you are for taking care of you and not accepting unacceptable behavior anymore.

Mark

Remember something that pain is pain .. no one's pain is diminished or maximized because of what you feel, we all hurt for a variety of reasons and that pain is very real to us .. just like you. So there is nothing wrong with hurting, because you hurt. It's more important to acknowledge and move through it at your own pace so you can get to that other side where it may still hurt it's not all consuming.

Hugs P :)

 

((((the chee))))  Too hard gave the response which would have helped me most regarding the availability of meetings.  Though most of my early meetings were close others I walked to or even hitched rides to.  It all evens out in time and you get much better than where you are at now.  

For now it is honest to say "I just don't get it".  Most people arrive at the doors of recovery without any helping information about addiction or alcoholism but all of the dysfunctional experiences.  From my experiences my alcoholic/addict wife wasn't the only or most screwed up member of the marriage.  She was drunk or loaded so her actions and reactions were easily explained.  The unexplained part was "why did I act the way I acted"?  It was when I learned that alcoholism touches everyone it comes in contact with that I understood what was "off" with me.  The normal for Alcoholism and Addiction is abnormal.  Expect abnormal and it will cease to surprise you or me or whomever. 

Ours is a 12 step, spiritual based recovery program with lots of real information for the open minded.  The last word of the 2nd step is "Sanity"(Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could lead us to Sanity), so it isn't only about being drunk or in a close relationship with a drunk it is about how we end up mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically as a result of how we choose to act out in it.

The alcoholic wasn't to be happy, sane, successful, self affirmed and drinks first and ends up drunk...way off the mark.  I wanted to be the same way and felt I would only achieve that after I fixed my alcoholic/addict first...I ended up way off the mark, not even close.

So I learned and accept that one uses alcohol and the other uses alcoholics.  We all do drama as if an award was available.

Keep coming back ((((hugs))))

Thank you for the encouragement and the sharing. I read a lot of these posts and am really excited about getting to the point that some of you are at. I know you worked hard to do this and plan on working hard too. Today was actually a good day....I thought about him and I miss him, but thanks to my HP....today was very much worth living! I can do this, I can do this, I can do this....and you guys are proof!!!