My daugter - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

My daugter

Oksie · Senior Member

I posted this on the ACOA board as I guess its more dealing with that side of things.... but I know many of you are ACOA but just dont go to that board.... so thought I would post here too. Would be great to hear some of the wise words of you guys over there though... theres only a few of us active on the site.

Hi

22 years ago today I gave birth to a little itty bitty premature baby.

The labour was long and hard. I was 18 years old and had no idea what was going on. I was in pain and went to the local doctor who told me to go home and basically made me feel like I was a young fool. She said if the pain gets worse go to the hospital. Made it sound like nothing important.

As a child of an alcoholic, I was used to being told 'you are just being silly' so why would I trust myself to know there is something wrong. I was always told everything is ok.... when in reality ... nothing was ok.

If that doctor had checked, she would have seen I was already dilated and in premature labour.

I did lots of silly things that would bring on premi labour. Riding motorbikes, very bumpy bus trips, smoking and drinking, and I was young.

I went to the hospital eventually (after a second call to the local doc and 2 days after the onset of pain) still just thinking I had a bit of pain like I needed to go to the toilet. Absolutely no concept even in the slightest that I was in labour. I sat in that wiating room for an hour. I eventually told my boyfriend to tell them that the baby isn't due yet I am in pain. After that I was whisked away in 5 minutes.

Nothing was ever explained to me. Not once did someone say I was going to have the baby early and I was in labour. Even when they told me I had to stay in the hospital until I had the baby, my reply was, I can't stay here for 2 1/2 months!!!!! No one told me I was actually in the delivery suite.

I was given drugs to stop the baby coming. I thought that would work. I was given drugs to make the baby's lungs improve quicker. Those made me violently ill. I vomited and was out of it. No pain relief as the baby would be affected and they had to make this quick. Make what quick I wondered????? I had the monitor on and I could hear my baby heart beat and when it stressed out they worried. They said the baby is in distress.

My parents came and were with me for a short while but went home. They sent my boyfriend home. Must be all good then. Why would they leave me here alone?

This could be a very long story. I will shorten it. Basically, I belive that as a child of an alcoholic, I did not understand how to stand up for myself, how to ask for what I needed, to even grasp the severity of the situation. The black and white thinking... this baby isn't due therefore it does not come out now... was ingrained in my head and I didn't understand what was happening around me. I never understood what was happening around me... ever.

My boyfriend was an extremely ill paranoid schizophrenic... that didn't help matters.

My daughter was born on March 25th. That tiny little body cried out and I held her for the one and only time that I ever would hold her naked little body. She had massive issues. Her bowls burst to outside of her body through the umbilical cord as the lining wasn't strong enough yet. She ended up with massive bleeding in her brain.

I turned off my daughters life support on March 26th. I was able to hold her and ventilate her until we decided to cease that. Me, my boyfriend, my sister and my partents were ushered to a room to be with her while she died. I always say "my daughter died" but the stark reality is that I chose to turn off her life support. Any decision after that is a piece of cake hey.

I was so disconnected. This was so unreal that I didn't hold my baby. She died in my sisters arms. My sister unwrapped her and looked at her beautiful little body so perfect. We talked about the weather and I even joked.

Again, as an adult child (at 18??) I was so very good at depersonalisation that the situation did not really seem real to me. In the privacy of my own home... going home to the baby things in the house with no baby. Thats when it hit me and I disintegrated.

I had a funeral to organise, aftercare for my body, the nightmares started and my boyfriend returned to the psychiatric hospital after the funeral. He was a mess. I felt I had to support him also.

I lost most of my friends. What bunch of 18 year old people know what to do. I had already been through one abusive relationship and was now with a paranoid schizophrenic and a baby passed away..... I was a social leper again.

This is where the resentment for my fathers disease kicks in.

If I had not been brought up in an alcoholic home, not lived with that abuse that I did, was not as messed up as I was/am... if my Dad was not an alcoholic.... how different would things have been??

Could I have been normal and not lived 30 odd years of trauma. What 18 year old looks at the world so logically, so black and white that she makes the decision to turn off the life support of her baby in 5 mintues flat. ONce suggested, says "yeah well.. seems no point to go on". No tears, no emotional breakdowns in the hospital.

I was summonsed to the baby hospital where my daughter was and I was in the maternity hospital. I had no car, no parents with me, no boyfriend to take me......An orderly drove me over. My parents met me there. We walked in and the doctor met us. I asked "is she ok" My dad said "of course she isn't ok thats why we are here" (again, I must be stupid!!!!), I repllied in a very loud adn angry voice to my dad, in the middle of the ward "Well I should have asked.. is she dead yet"? My dad cringed and recoiled. the doctor answered me... "no not yet but we think it won't be long". Thank god for the doctor, he took it all in his stride.

Most times I will not talk very much about my daughter in any emotional way. I remain detached and factual with a hint of remorse.

Today and tomorrow I allow my emotions to flow and feel the full force of my daughter and the beautiful person that could ahve been. (in my mind she is beautiful, the reality is that she is the daughter of a paranoid schizophrenic and a codependent BPD adult child.. what chance did she have to be normal)

I give her the dignity of my sorrow for two days of the year.

Thanks for listening to this sad adult child of an alcoholic and hearing my story of how much I blame my dads disease for my life.

I will be ok in a couple of days. I will be able to look objectively again and see that this is my life with my own choices etc. But right now... nope.. I know cosmically I asked for this and I can change it etc... its only 2 days

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so so sorry.

I know from my own experience that when something horrific happens, part of the lasting pain and sorrow is the event itself, and another part is when the people around you act strange and unhelpful and depersonalized and inappropriately. My own observations suggest to me that that extra dose of horror makes the experience "stick" extra hard.

It is going to sound a little strange but I am so admiring that you are able to talk about it. I had a horrific event of a different kind happen to me, and the one time I tried to talk about it to someone (my boyfriend), his reaction was so painful that I closed down and have never been able to mention it to anyone again. I am sure that being able to talk about a terrible event is an important step in healing. Not that it will ever be forgotten or not sad. But to keep the wound from hurting us further, on and on.

The "What if"s are so hard. Sending you man wishes for peace. Hugs.

Oksie · Senior Member

Thanks
On these two days of my year, I allow myself the full extent of the emotions.
Other days of the year... it is shut away nice and safe and generally I will just say "my baby died premmie" and leave it at that.
I can talk about the facts, but the emotions are kept for today and tomorrow.

i find that the healthiest way to deal with it.
I had good family support I suppose. My Dad is the only one that says her name. My Mum refuses to say her name, my mum has her own issues. She acknowledges it all happens, but refuses to talk about it.

My parents still live in denial.... they have a permanent houseboat on that river... despite 32 years in AA and Al Anon.

Oksie · Senior Member

I just realised I have fallen into my mothers trap.

My daughters name is Heather April (and has her dads surname). She was a viable birth and has a birth and death certificate and a gravesite.

She was a real person on this planet.

oldergal · Senior Member

Thank You for sharing Oksie a very touching and moving life story.

I will say a prayer for little Heather April.....

Oldergal

Tracey C · Senior Member

Sounds like little Heather has her Mum's strong spirit.

Thinking of you Linda.

Tracey

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That is a lovely name.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda you have been thru so much in your short time here on earth. I have seen you share and grow from all these experiences with courage and honesty.

The pain you have and do endure, I am having trouble finding the words to say. I am so glad you still love your animals, flowers, simple things. You still see beauty and love. I see you struggling and progressing in loving your husband even with the things you don't agree with.

Your little baby was a real person and is a real person in your heart. How you were treated was unforgiveable.

It is no wonder that you hold back and seem reserved sometimes, and feel you say too much. MIP is teaching you we do care and we do want to listen and support you. If we were face to face we would be hugging,going out for tea, meeting each other at our homes and going for walks.

I hope someday you will journey to Oregon so I can meet you. Would love to just sit and listen to your lovely accent.

I lost babies too, I know that pain that everyone else wants to ignore.

hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is nothing wrong with being reflective and taking time to honor someone's passing. All the extra stuff that is going on in your head surrounding this is due to your trauma history and so forth. I suggest reframing these couple of days as days you are honoring your daughter. What happened happened and you are mostly at terms with it. It doesn't have to be a plunge into your traumatic past as much as somber reflection on your daughter and her passing. I do think that your story is noteworthy, poignant and it can help others - It doesn't have to make you feel like that helpless 18 year old girl anymore though.

Dunno if that helps.

In support,

Mark

Oksie · Senior Member

Thankyou all for your support.

I understand that the resentment toward my father, and the grief for the loss of Heather may be a funny mix in this post.

I usually don't talk about them in the same context but after all, this is a board for AlAnon and for people who hold resentments perhaps toward alcoholics in thier lives. I am sorry if I have offended any 'double winners'.

I mentioned the whole story to demonstrate how much the effect of alcholism influenced a child and the traits of the adult child.

Only here on this forum and the ACA forum can I express that part of my grief and the struggle I have with blaming addiction in my family for alot of 'stuff' that happened and the way I turned out. As a side note.. my Dad is the one that says Heathers name and expresses his grief over her loss.... he and my sister.. the others don't even mention her. So the two addicts (out of three) are the ones that can grieve with me.

No one from my family called me yesterday. My husband kept forgetting even. When my Mum does call on Heathers birthday, she doesnt' talk about it.

The good thing is... I am here changing that .. I can't change the past, I can change my future yadayadayada..... Right now... today and yesterday... nope.... I grieve for my daughter. Two days is not overkill and I know it is how I can deal with it the other 300 odd days in the year.

tomorrow you will get different responses because my grieving for my girl will be put back in its box.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would never get offended by knowing that the damage alcoholics do to others is intense. If anything, that just helps keep me sober. I know I acted horribly and I thank God that I didn't have children to screw up with my drinking.

My reaction to you Linda always seems to be "You are awesome!" and "Stop feeling bad cuz you rule!" (or some basic version of that) You have to go through what you have to go through however. I guess I should just say, I'm sorry for your loss and I respect the way you cope. You aren't hurting anyone and really aren't hurting yourself with mourning.

Mark

Oksie · Senior Member

thanks pinkchip...

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Oksie))) I have no words except I'm so sorry for the loss of your little daughter. Thank you for sharing your story.

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