The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My alcoholic boyfriend relapsed this evening. He had 3 months of sobriety under his belt. I realize that's not a long time and that he was still considered to be very early in his recovery. But still, those 3 months were very good, strong months. I'm not even sure what prompted the drink this evening. I'm not even sure he knows himself. All I do know is that it was premeditated because he stopped taking his antabuse medication 2 weeks ago in preparation for being able to take a drink.
I've stuck by him through 2 substance abuse treatment facilities with him just between Thanksgiving and New Years Eve alone (he himself has now been to rehab 7 times over the past 5 years. I, of course, knew none of this when we first met.), I've stuck by him despite an arrest for public intoxication (it should have been a DUI, but the officer couldn't prove he had actually been driving the vehicle, even though an open container was found in the car), I've stuck by him despite being shoved by him against a beer freezer case in a gas station when he was angry that the gas station wouldn't sell him alcohol, and I've attended open AA meetings and Al Anon meetings and intensive outpatient after care treatment meetings ... All for him to relapse and throw his progress away. I feel so tired and let down and lied to tonight. I know I'm powerless over this, and powerless to stop it or control it. And the thought that I'm *not* in a position of power to control him should be a freeing thought. But instead tonight I just feel emotional, and weepy, and I just don't know what I want to do. I don't know if tomorrow I'll decide I've had enough, or if tomorrow I'll decide to stick by him yet again. I just don't know anything except that I'm crying and typing and tired of the same old merry-go-round that only seems to stop for short periods of time.
Sunny, you are not alone. I too feel like I am always getting the bad end of the deal with my AH. It literally seems to be one thing after another. I often wonder if the tables were turned and it was me doing the lying, sneaking and manipulating would he be there for me. Sadly after 8 years of marriage I'm sure the answer is "no".
It truly is one day at a time, while I have chosen to stay up till now this life is starting to affect my health and sanity, I may be nearing the end of my marriage. I guess what I'm saying is I have no answers for you, only support and love. I know for me, coming to these boards is an immense relief in knowing I am not alone and that there are people out there who totally understand. The only choices you have to make are for today, I have taken strength in knowing that while I may chose to stay today, I can also chose to leave tomorrow. Stay strong. Hugs and prayers. Sg
I am sorry you are going throught this right now. Just wanted to send you support and compassion. I am glad you have a program in place to help you with these painful feelings. big hug
I hear your pain, I wroke up this morning, saying the serenity prayer asking for acceptance of things I cannot change, and courage to change the things I can, this prayer help me to know when to stop "beating a dead horse" I'm glad you are here, keep coming back!
Highlyfavored!
__________________
Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Sunny, the only thing, I think, that will really make you feel comfort is to know that you are NOT alone in this. I have been exactly where you are (give and take some details, of course, but the feelings are the same.)
I can only speak from my own ESH and that is to say that for me, when I thought I needed to make a serious decision, stay or go. I felt comfort when my sponsor reminded me that that choice did NOT have to be made today. So every day when I woke with the question mark looming over me I would say "today my decision... is to make no decision." I tried to make my days lovely. I tried to surround myself with scented candles and books and flowers and walks, I splurged and kept Dunkin Donuts coffee in the house, and I would take myself on mini shopping sprees, even if it was just for nail polish or a new shirt. It was all about ME!! I worked on unconditional love with detachment for my husband by focusing on ME and spending time with ME and loving ME!
Now, I can say I feel very happy. I feel happier than I ever have as an adult. He could relapse tomorrow, I'm well aware.. but I have to be okay and pull the oxygen mask for ME!!!
This is so hard what you are going through... alot of resentment and questions and anger and sorrow... I have learned its crucial to feel the feelings but not be defined by them. You are so much to the world, you are so important. Your Higher Power loves you so much.
__________________
Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. At the same time it's so comforting to me to see you and everyone else going through the same thing. I send you love and light.
