The material presented
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Third post on this board. Been riding the ups and downs of living with an alcoholic. Good days and bad days. My AW is going to AA meetings almost every night but still actively drinking. Kind of wonder why she even bothers on going. She openly admits she cannot control it. While at her meetings, she has gotten very close with a male member with addiction issues. This guy is the long haired musician type while I am the straight forward working everyday type. Complete opposites. I am starting to feel she is more attracted to a different type of man. Anyway, they spend a lot of time on the phone and she drives him to all the meetings since he doesnt have a car or license. Everytime I say something I get the immediate angry response of there is nothing going on. I know better than to argue with a drunk so I move on. Was just wondering if this is something of concern or something normal in AA? She says he is the only one who understands what she is going through.
About on my last leg of the relationship. Tired of being miserable and broke. Kind of lonely as well.
If she is still drinking, it reminds me of the saying "If nothing changes, nothing changes." People are warned against making any big decisions (aside from the one to tackle the addiction!) in the first 6 months (or year) of recovery. (That goes for us too, in our recovery from the chaos of having addiction in the family.) And we're cautioned not to jump into new relationships in that period. The people in AA "should" know better, but of course people will do what they will do. However, you would be entitled to set boundaries for your own comfort. By that I mean not to control her (you couldn't), but in your decision-making. I hope that makes sense. I know others will have helpful things to add. The best to you.
Aloha MR...if you haven't or are now not yet attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area...go look for the hot line number for us in the white pages of you local telephone book and get to the first one you can. There is a chair waiting for you and lots and lots of support. She's drinking and going to meetings....She's drinking...no recovery in that. Go check in and read on the AA board and listen to that perspective about drinking and going to meetings. It doesn't work and it isn't honest.
Sounds like a load of BS to me. In AA women are encouraged to find women sponsors. Furthermore, if this guy really "got her" and "was the only one to understand" why is he not helping her and why is she still drinking? Sounds more like she found someone to 13th step her or feed her ego and cosign her BS. I know this post sounds direct and you can take what you want from it. What you are describing with her is not normal for AA.... It is normal for a person that is actively using still and wants to make excuses.
It is funny how alcoholics do things that really are crazy, such as drink while going to AA meetings and latch on to other alcoholics of the opposite sex and then attack us for questioning it. I'm not trying to sound high and mighty but when you look at situation for what it is, it is not signs of a healthy recovery and very much signs of the disease of alcoholism. However, perhaps something will click for her in AA, who knows. You are wise to detach and realize that reasonable discussions with her right now just are not possible. She is just being an alcoholic, doing what they do until they find recovery.
What you can worry about is you and taking care of yourself. It is very normal for you to feel confused by her behavior, tired and lonely as you stated. All of us living with an addicted loved one experience these feelings. The principles of Al-Anon can help you detach from her disease and focus on you, help you get your energy back so that her bad days won't bring you down. Sending much love and support to you.
Last year my AH would go to AA meetings and drink on his way home. On some level he wanted to recover, but he just was nowhere near ready to do it. He is going now to AA and is sober, but it took a whole lot of damage and destruction to get him to that point. I hope your wife finds recovery, but please do take care of yourself, regardless of what she does. It can and does get better if you use the Alanon tools. This is a very tough thing to go through and finding Alanon and others who are going through the same thing will help. Sending support.
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. But in my limited experience with Al-Anon, you have found a very supportive group.
With my much more extensive experience with affairs, I would caution you to listen to your gut. Drinking aside, your AW is investing emotionally with another man. This is a slippery slope. She may not mean to do anything inappropriate, but once heading down this path, it is hard to direct your steps.
I found a lot of help for me when recovering from/dealing with my AH's affair with an online group called Marriage Builders. It is not a 12 step program but it talks about caring for yourself and accepting that you cannot control your spouse. It helped me to understand how to set boundaries to protect my love for my hubby so that we could get through it when it ended...and it did end.
I'm not trying to be gloomy...but you will learn a lot about the "wayward" mindset on MB and it helps so much to understand how it happens so that you can avoid it at all cost.
I ran into a similar situation with my AH a couple of weeks ago. I've never distrusted him in our marriage before but he is not the same person he once was so I will always have doubts ... sad. I know how you feel.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
It's so interesting to me that I can completely accept that I cannot control my AHs actions with regard to an affair, yet I am still trying to control his actions with regard to alcohol. It doesn't seem to transfer in my head yet.
What I know with affairs (or flirtations) is that they are the symptom of a problem, not the actual problem. You need to focus on you and putting positive energy into you and your relationship. You cannot control what she does. If she is going to stray (or drink) she will find a way to do it without you knowing if she has to. Put things right in your own house first, then overwhelm her with the positive behavior that you have found. It's the only thing that worked for us.
Thank you for all the responses. I have been going to some meetings but not as many as I need to. Just havent found that right group yet. I have taken a stand on this issue versus being totally laid back and detaching with the drinking. She has destroyed so much in this relationship that this was something I was going to fight for. You are right though, I cant control this any more than the drinking and have decided not to deal with this situation anymore. If this guy is someone she wants to be with, I cant do anything about it. Just going to go back to raising kids and working. The irony is I am very happy when I dont have to think about it. I wish she could go back into rehab though. (5 hospital stays in one year so there are no more left to send her to) When she was there, she was someone else's problem and I could relax and not have these problems. Going to relax now and try to push it out of my mind.
