The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Pris, I'm glad you've found us. Welcome to MIP - there is much support available here. I suspect most of us have started out the way you have - he claims he's only had a few (or none), but we start seeing signs that he's actually had more. The trouble is that lying and hiding are part of the whole syndrome. I've never heard of an alcoholic who didn't lie about his drinking, even when there was seemingly no need to. They're so afraid that someone might object to their drinking or try to take it away from them that they lie proactively.
It took me a long time to be sure for myself that whenever I thought he had been drinking, he had, no matter how much I denied it. I had to get my head around the lying, which was hard. I think it was harder because often I think he even believed his own lies. "I hardly drink at all! You're just being paranoid. Something's wrong with you, you're obsessed with my drinking when my drinking is fine. You ought to get help for that problem." I'd get so confused. Finally he was sneaking around and I was sneaking around after him, looking for evidence. It was hard because he often drank out of those little airline bottles, which he'd keep in his pocket. (A couple of times he got so drunk that they fell out of his pockets, which is how I finally figured it out.) And then other times I did find stashes of hidden bottles. Finally I knew that whenever I suspected drinking, I was right. I suspect the same is true for you, even without having to do the sneaking.
Our child was also two and on two occasions he (my AH - alcoholic husband) was supposed to look after him for a while, and something seriously bad happened. I won't go into the details here because I'm already writing a lot. But the second time was the time I knew I could never again trust him to be in charge of a child. That's when I decided to separate. Our child was not permanently hurt, but if my AH couldn't pull his weight as a parent, it was like having two kids in the house -- only one was 250 lbs. and lied all the time.
But what I wish I had done way earlier was to find good Al-Anon meetings and learn as much as I could about alcoholism. They say to try six different ones because they're all different and you want the one that's right for you. Also you can read all the threads on these boards, and there are online meetings here. We all need support to get through this. And the alcoholism pulls us into the craziness too, so we need our own recovery. I should say that Al-Anon does not advise us whether to leave or not leave - it gives us tools to make peace with the situation, and there are many ways of going about that. Unfortunately, there's no way we can control whether the alcoholic drinks or not. But we can change the whole dynamic by changing ourselves. That's good news! That's essential.
Your little boy is so lucky to have you. I hope you'll keep coming back. Hugs.
-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 23rd of March 2012 11:17:07 AM
My husband drank a lot when we first got together. I didn't like it and since his mother is definitely an alcoholic, I told him I was concerned he would become an alcoholic too. Before we were married, he cut back his drinking to a couple of beers or glasses of wine a night and he has mostly kept to that for the last three years.
However, whenever I go out of town, I know he gets drunk. Recently, whenever I leave the house for more than a couple of hours I come home to find him excited and slurring his words - the way he normally acts when he has had more than a couple. I asked him how much he drank and he always said two beers. It's getting to the point that I am afraid to leave our 2-year-old with him when I go out for errands. But, I don't have any proof whatsoever that he is drinking more than a couple of beers.
Any advice on how to handle the situation would be welcome.
Hi and welcome. You got a great response from Mattie. I'll just echo that and say that yes, it does usually start off with suspicion that something may be wrong, and a nagging feeling that maybe he is drinking more than he should. It's a progressive disease. In my experience, my AH had no noticeable symptoms when I met him. Within a few years it descended into full blown alcoholism. I have a 2 year old too. My AH and I are separated, but he sees us on weekends. He is 6+ months sober and a loving dad, and I still don't leave him alone with our child. The trust was broken so much that I can't do it. I'm glad you found us. It is so hard to go through this alone, but you're not. Wishing you lots of support, nyc
Welcome! If his drinking is a problem for you, then the meetings of Al Anon can help, regardless of whether you decide he is an "alcoholic" or not. I have a 2 and 5 yr old, and I finally started going to meetings when things started to affect our family life in front of our children. I wish I had gone sooner and gotten the help and support for all the pain and confusion. His drinking had been bothering me, but he was also highly functioning and made so many promises that I wanted to believe...what I didn't realize in the confusion is that just when I thought I had a handle on things, his pattern would change. Now I know it is because it is the nature of the drinking problem to progress. I am sending you so much support. Help is available when you are ready. Glad you are here!
Whether your husband is a classic alcoholic or not his drinking is affecting you. You don't have to have a firm diagnosis to join al anon. There is much in al anon to be grateful for. On this board you will find tremendous support, kindness and no judgement.
No one here will lecture you, tell you what to do or try to run your life for you. Al anon is all about learning skills, support, encouragement and most of all caring. I know when I was living with an alcoholic/addict I felt very alone, isolated and most of all uncared for. I know from being on this board a while that is no longer the situation. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing I know that people here care about me and wish me well. I can't say the same about the now ex Alcoholic. He is too ill to do that.
I'm glad you are reaching out for help. You deserve it. Give al anon a chance and see how your life will get better whatever your husband does you can get better.
If his drinking is bothering you and you have that "gut" feeling that something is wrong, listen to it! I had that feeling that something wasn't quite right for so long, and wish I had gone to Al-Anon sooner. Hiding/lying about drinking is a big part of the disease and my AH was also pretty highly functioning so I was never sure if he was an alcoholic. In my confusion, I didn't seek help because I thought "we" would be able to control the "drinking issue", but as it turned out I was quite wrong.
Al-Anon is very very helpful. Alcoholism is a family disease and as you can already see, one feature is that the alcoholic drinks and lies about drinking and on our side, we begin to have increasing fear of their behavior, confusion and anxiety about leaving our children in their care, start feeling like our alcoholic spouses are children themselves and thus start treating them as such, etc. It can be quite a cycle that goes no where good. Al-Anon can give you tools to keep you healthy and happy regardless of whether your husband drinks or not.
