Yesterday I tried to go to a face to face meeting, but the church was locked up and no one was around.

So, I drove up the road about 40 miles to the next meeting. But there wasn't one.

I thought- what in the heck is going on here?? How can they publish a meeting but no one is there? People need their meetings!!!

So I checked online at my regional Al Anon website to see if there were some changes to the meetings schedule.

Quickly it became apparent to me that I had been looking at the wrong day. :) I thought it was Tuesday, but no, it was Wednesday.

My point here is that I took all this as a reminder from HP about the importance of accepting reality. No matter how deeply I wanted to believe it was Tuesday, nothing would change the fact that is was not.

I'm with you- having a hard time letting go during my recent separation. I still love him. I am still concerned for his life. I still care about his family. But, the fact is, he has an addiction and his behaviors are not acceptable to me. I set a boundary- I cannot be in a relationship with an active addict...and unfortunately that boundary is not acceptable to him. It leaves me with this aching sadness that it impossible to explain to anyone who hasn't felt it.

Reality. Does it suck? Yes. Do I still bargain with myself, what if this, what if that? Yes. I also know the longer I hold onto the hope that he will "come around" and get into treatment and fall madly in love with me again and treat me right...the longer I hold onto hope that his family will call to check in on me and tell me I'm still their daughter...the longer I keep him in my head space, the longer I delay my own healing.

I wish I had some solid advice for you...but I don't. I just wanted you to know that accepting reality can really hurt, but I know that we must. I am powerless over his addiction, and so is my marriage. The only peace I can offer is to remember that his HP is sending him on his own journey...who are we to say that you letting go isn't exactly what he needs to experience for his greater good?

There's no black and white "textbook" answer to when and how to move on. We're all so unique and our situations are equally unique (yet thankfully similar enough that we can come together and share our ESH with one-another.)

I know with my exAH it was rough. I know I did all I could to find a way to be happy with him as he was, but in the end I deemed that I couldn't take it any more. I tried what I could - Al-Anon, couple's therapy, individual therapy... I changed but he stayed the same. I changed and got healthier and realized more and more that I was responsible for my happiness and I could be the only person in my life to ensure my safety and well-being. AH was only looking out for himself and that was what I had to do for me, too.

When I requested the divorce I was of course, heartbroken. But I felt at peace at the same time because I knew my HP was there with me and would take care of me.

Yes, I did go through moments of panic that I'd "lose" him for good after the divorce. I think these feelings are natural. You spend a large chunk of your life with someone, even if the experience was miserable, of course there are going to be some attachments that run deep. My divorce with my exAH was amicable, so there was thankfully no vengeful nastiness to contend with. I remember my first evening after having moved out of the house I shared with my exAH that I just cried my eyes out. But it was a sort of bitter-sweet cry. I just kept picturing my HP holding me in his/her arms and comforting me.

For several months after our separation and the finalization of our divorce papers, I still went through a lot of ups and downs. I found keeping a daily gratitude list really helped me keep focused on positive things and not backslide into mourning what was lost. But yes, I still would wonder what he was up to, I even snooped his Facebook page occasionally and checked to see if he was still up to his sick behaviors that had played a part in our eventual divorce. But I found time itself tended to help me to heal. He and I didn't talk with each other a whole lot, either, and I did find that very helpful for my healing. My sick behaviors started to subside... I snooped and checked-up less and less until eventually I started to go long spans of time without really considering him and giving him much thought. It's not that I don't still care for the man. But I do know that I can still care about him but not have to be in continual contact with him in order for me to care about him.

This process, like everything else, just has to come one day at a time. One step forward and keep on walking. Continued participating in Al-Anon meetings, service work and staying in touch with my sponsor helped along with utilizing my Al-Anon tools and putting myself as a priority - finding what I enjoyed in life and making it a point to do those things that brought me joy.

(hugs) I promise, this too shall pass. Just allow it the time it needs.

I found it very very hard to let go.  I was in touch with my ex A for a long time after I left him.  Initially I reinvested in rescuing him and it was devastating.  I kept posting about it and getting feed back.  I also reached out to other people.  His Uncle specifically was very helpful to me.  He used a metaphor of digging a hole.  He said the ex A kept digging a hole and at some point you can't get out.  I look at that as a key issue.

The ex A didnt stop his behavior.  He still used drugs, he still drank.  He still hung around with people who he had real issues with.  He still blamed everyone.

What's more he felt absolutely entitled to all my time energy and money.  I could no longer give that.

For some reason I could only use the metaphor of our pets to save myself.  While I couldn't save myself I was loathe to see them suffer any more.  So i stopped all contact at a certain point.

No one can tell you when it will feel right for you.  But eventually the al anon tools do kick in.

Maresie.