It's really interesting to watch how divorce affects everyone around the couple getting divorced.

I get sad, too, when it seems people feel like they're expected to pick sides once a couple goes their separate ways. I have to be honest and even admit to myself that I secretly hoped some of our mutual friends would shun my exAH and back me up. It's like some silly popularity contest. It's miserable, however, to be one of those neutral party people and watch two people you care about split ways as well. I watched that happen a couple months ago with a couple of good friends and it was pretty hard sometimes reminding myself that the only relationship I'm responsible for is the individual relationships I have with each one of those two people. When one moved away, he asked for a get-together and I found myself feeling guilty about attending his going-away dinner because I was worried that my other friend, his ex, would see it as my slighting her or "taking sides".

When it came down to my divorce I tried the best I was capable to not alienate our mutual friends by spilling all the nasty dirt about my exAH. Each person received whatever information I thought they were capable of hearing and I tried to not be emotional in the telling. Just stuck to the facts.. I remember my sponsor saying something along the lines that it is considerate to let friends and family know that BOTH he and I could use their love and support through this difficult time.

Long and short of it, however, I cannot control anyone outside of me and they're going to make whatever decisions they feel is necessary to either stay in touch with myself or my ex or not. I pretty much expected not to receive Christmas cards and birthday wishes any longer from his side of the family and circle of friends - and that pretty much did happen, but that doesn't necessarily mean they dislike me, either. They're just figuring out what their new boundaries are and what they're comfortable with, and I respect that. I had to do the same with them, as well.

Thanks so much for sharing with us, Dolly.

Thanks you two. I have to remind myself every day...sometimes every hour or minute...to turn it all over to my HP.

I went to my in law's house a couple of years ago when my H got violent. (They live across the country from us.) We had just gotten married. I was very distraught. Had no intention of talking about it with them, just needed a peaceful place to think.

They sat me down and asked what was going on, so I told them. They listened and asked what did I want to do...for me. See, my H has always been an addict, even in high school. He overdosed (meth) and nearly died in college and his father put him in rehab. Then, he joined the military and traded drugs for booze.

So, his family is aware of his struggles. I remember one night when we were fighting, he drunkenly called his father to I guess complain about me...and his dad said, "Son, you have a drinking problem." There was one night I was on the edge of calling an ambulance for my H...I wasn't sure if he was breathing properly..but I didn't call. (My ONLY regret in this marriage.) This was a night he went ballistic and destroyed his guitar, etc. I left again. Talked to his parents. They sort of scolded me (not really, but I can't find the right words) for not calling them about my H being passed out and not breathing right. So, I know they are aware of the depth of his addiction. I think the father understands it more than the mother...she is in LaLa Land sometimes with her hope and denial. When we first married, she said I was an angel for the whole family. Now I know what she meant, that with me in the picture, my H would finally have a reason to get sober. Haha. A year ago I asked if they would be interested in doing an intervention, and they said yes. We never did it...I can't remember why.

Anyway. I'm sorry for the ramble, but it feels good to get it out. They know that I have tried everything and been hurt by my H's behavior. It's not about taking sides. I freely admit I have had my share of bad behaviors in our marriage. It is so far beyond finding fault or settling scores.

I also reminded myself- this is the family that produced an addict. It's a family disease. Maybe it is not so loving and healthy as it seems to me from the outside. I know they put a lot of emphasis on achievements and saving money...how that affected my H is for him to figure out. But, I try and remember that addiction touches the whole family and I really have no idea how his parents enable him or whatever.

I have to bring the focus back to me...gratitude list, good idea.