"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Unsure of what to do...newbie

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Please find meetings for yourself you need support from people who understand exactly what your going thru. If in doubt about how a meeting can help you go to our Al-Anon web site WSO , there you can listen to what we call Pod Casts , real people sharring thier recovery they are amazing and I am sure you will hear what you need to hear . *Husband attended *Al-Anon along time ago but he says they didnt help him , obviously he wasnt ready to listen and if he is alcoholic they wouldnt make much sence to him . Al-Anon is about YOU for YOU not the alcoholic. and I agree with Tom do not attend meetings with your husband you need a safe place to share your feelings . Louise

-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 22nd of March 2012 02:52:50 PM

dianah · Newbie

Hello,

I am a stay at home homeschooler with five children at home. Last year my husband underwent a massive heart attack and major heart surgery. His father died from alcoholism and addiction struggles have peppered our entire marriage. The heart attack has, for lack of a better term, heightend, certain behaviors. I was convinced he was bi-polar or had a personality disorder like narcicssim until I started reading about dry drunks. Last Christmas he had a major breakdown in front of his family and in his terms, drew a boundary between himself and the problem, this time his family. But previous to the breakdown the problem was me, and previous to that is was his employer...and previous to that...and so on.

I am afraid to seek help for myself. When I am the enemy I truly feel like he hates me and wants to destroy me. He is cold and distant to our kids too but when he is allright with everything he can be amazingly inutuitive and present and loving etc.. but it never lasts long. It is normally when the focus is off me and onto someone else.

I told him that I wanted to attend an Al Anon family group and he thinks that woud be good, but he has "already done that" when he was kid. He sees his actions last Christmas as over the top, but necessary to draw a boundary. But the thing is, he has no accoutability or responsibility for his own destructive actions that he says are his boundaries that he is setting. His boundaries really don't feel like boundaries, they feel more like defense mechanisms.

I know I am all over the place here, and I am in counseling myself but I think this is where I should be now. I want to attend a face to face meeting, but he wants to go with me and if I request to be alone, he will see that as a betrayal. I do think he could benefit from sitting in on the meetings too.

Thanks for the ear(s)

D

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Is he a dry drunk? I swore my AH had a personality disorder or was bi-polar for years until I realized it might have been from him being dry for 15 years without really addressing some spiritual issues. He started drinking again 2 years ago, got a DUI 6 weeks ago, and is now happily sober again, LOL. My AH had his breakdown last summer when his depression got out of hand and he started on anti-depressants, but the antidepressant made him crave alcohol more and he started binge drinking and getting out of control. I have felt all the things that you are feeling and I do think Al Anon meetings would be a great place to start.

You know, he could go with you. At most meetings, you can just sit and listen and you don't have to share. It's not like everyone is sitting there spilling out their life stories and complaining. Most meetings have a topic and everyone gets a few minutes to share on what they feel about that topic and it's not required to say anything. So, if he wants to go with you, it probably wouldn't hurt unless you are vehemently against it for your own sake.

I, too, am a homeschooling mom. We have 1 child who's 13. There are a few good books you could start with and some can be downloaded from Amazon to a Kindle or Ipad right away: "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and any book on Boundaries. My AH is very good at blaming. Other people run his life, just ask him. The antidepressants really did help with that, though. He actually is much calmer and more friendly with me and our son. Our marriage was getting better, but then the drinking started to get out of control again. So, I started going to meetings back in January. It really helped me see that I did not cause any of HIS problems. Not the drinking. Not the compensation plan at his job. Not the garage door problem. Nothing. I have learned through An Anon that he is responsible for himself and that I need to give him the dignity to live his life as he pleases. I can only control myself. The three C's of Al Anon are: You can't control it, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure it.

I totally understand how hard it must be to have 5 kids and to be homeschooling with this kind of oppression from your husband. My AH works out of the house so we're all around each other day in and day out all week long. It becomes very difficult to function when you really need some space from someone. Sending you love and support! B

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Dianah..... ohh, this is a tough one.... Personally, I think it is a really BAD idea to attend Al-Anon with your qualifier (i.e. your husband). I don't know how anyone could "open up" and discuss what they are going through, their fears, etc - while the reason/person is sitting in the same room.... With what you have told us about his personality, I think that would be a disaster...

I would encourage you to choose and find recovery - for you. If you think he can understand/comprehend this (during the times when he is loving, understanding, etc) - all the better..... You need to do this - for YOU, and I don't think it is EVER a good idea to try to do it in the same room - particularly not in the early stages of your respective recoveries....

Just my two cents

Tom

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome to MIP. I agree with Canadianguy, but if the only way for you to attend Al-anon local meetings is to go with him at first, I would start there. There are a lot of books that have helped me including the dailty readers like Courage to Change and Hope For Today. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Well there is a way out of this situation. Simply use this board and don't share that with your husband. I know how hard it is to keep that separate but for some of us we need a place just for ourselves. There are also meetings here where you can attend virtually. Of course it is a new venue but I can assure you that you will find a wonderful welcome there. In addition there is a chat room here where there are always people most of the time and where you can learn a lot from other people who have been on the same path.

I've been around the block many times with a former A boyfriend who had lots of issues, lots of problems, lots of family issues, lots of issues with me. I was absolutely totally cemented to him and his problems. I took them all on head on. Through al anon I learned lots of tools to learn how to unenmesh myself. None of it happened overnight. In the interim I had the opportunity to make friends here, learn how to be a community of help and support here and learned that no matter what no one was going to judge or label me.

You are in the right place. going to counselling certainly helps a lot.

Take care.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"