The material presented
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Hi all, my wife is in recovery and things are going pretty well. We relate better to each other then we did a year or two ago, as we have both learned a lot about how to navigate through challenging times as a result of both of our programs.
That being said, we are in no way connected on the level we once were. There is zero intimacy in our marriage and there hasn't been for years. We are basically roommates.
I don't want things to be this way and I know she doesn't. However, I don't know how to change it. When I think about trying to be more loving to her or (gulp) intimate with her, it just feels so uncomfortable. It is just so much easier to sit across from each other, her on her computer and me on the TV, and talk about the weather.
The reality is what brought us together nearly 10 years ago was what we are trying to change about ourselves today. I was attracted to her because I felt a need to fix someone, I was codependent and I couldn't be happy unless I felt I was needed. I know I can't live like that anymore and I don't want to. But I don't know how to re-develop a healthy relationship with my wife without feeling those things.
Maybe there is no hope? Maybe when you build a foundation of a relationship on something that is so unhealthy, you can't change it. But I hope not. Can anyone offer their perspective on how they have achieved this?
Thanks so much for this share because right there with you at the moment. Although mine is a little further out of reach. I wish I had some words of wisdom, it's just so important to communicate.
I'm looking forward to seeing the other responses you get.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ugh, did you read my most recent post? I could have written what you wrote, too! I, too, came into our relationship thinking I could 'fix' him or 'make him happier'. I thought marriage brought automatic unhappiness. I didn't know what depression or anxiety was, no one in my family had these illnesses but I knew that AH had a problem with alcohol. Yet, he quit before we got married so I thought it was all going to be rosy and happy ever after. I, too, understand the intimacy issue. That's a biggie for me now but it's only been 6 weeks for us. That's almost the longest we've gone without.
My AH suggested marriage counseling but I don't think I'm ready for that. I feel that I'll be the one who comes out looking crazy unless we find someone who specializes in addictions, among other things. He's the sober one now, no alcohol means he's on a path to greater things. He understands I need time, but I seriously don't know how long that will be and it's driving me crazy that we're just roommates getting by.
I have no words of advice except to say that you can lift your marriage up to your HP. You can try marriage counseling or you can just see if time heals those wounds. That's pretty much where I'm at right now!
"Love is the complete and total -acceptance- of everyother human being for exactly who they are. That Al-Anon piece of ESH from an elder female member changed my entire perspective on what love is. Intimacy on the other hand is a variable. massaging her feet is intimate or getting yours massaged by her is intimate. I know about the sex thing and I know how to ingage in it however today in recovery sexing isn't so a priority as loving. I love my wife the same way I love others and only will have sex with her. I am at best intimate with her most because that is respect for our union, our marriage.
Everyday for us is a connect and disconnet event and everyday there is someone more important to us individually that we depend upon more than each other and that is our Higher Power which is different as we understand our Higher Power.
Learn about what you are afraid of and get rid of the fear and love will replace it because I have come to understand that Fear cannot exist where love is and love will not exist where fear is. Meditate on that one and mull it over with your HP and sponsor...take it to your group if you like and see what the group comes back with.
You can bet she is as uncomfortable as you are , re-connecting takes time ,it was suggested to me that I start slowly , which was to touch them as i passed them in a room a pat on the bottom a hand on a shoulder etc, I was reluctant to do this as my husb always pulled away in the past durring the drinking days I was told to not take it personally he simply was not used to being touched , eventually he stopped pulling away I was told to ask for a hug another way for me to practice Let it begin with Me if these little things dont help perhaps she would be open to counceling with you . Keep trying ya never know ..
My sponser suggested little touches to begin with, and it really helped bridge the gap. It took time and I kept making the effort (especially when I didn't feel like it) despite the fact that for a while my AH was completely unresponsive. Eventually the thaw began, the awkwarness began to fade, and we are now more, um, intimate than before all the confusion and pain entered our lives. Please understand this took a lot of time and patience and requires continued awareness of making the effort to stay connected. I really needed to be in the right place to begin this effort and ready to do my part and let go of the results. Thanks for your post! Sending you support.
For most men, physical attraction is either there or it isn't. Yes, those factors you mentioned are big distractors and can get in the way of you wanting to be intimate. Just like women, men are affected by their moods and trust and so forth... Also, you have been through a lot with your wife and trust has been damaged. Making "love" is difficult when there is still some resentment there. No matter how much you work on it, it might not be gone cuz she legitimately put you and your family through hell. If this is meant to be, you can't force it. You have made a decision to work on the marriage and that is good. If you both connect in terms of your core values, attitudes about life, interests and such.....there is a good chance you can salvage the relationship.
The most critical part of this is communication. You described "being roommates" and that is a big rift. Researchers have studied what makes for successful long term marriages and the #1 common factor that exists among partners that have been together and describe being happy for years and year is that they consider each other to be "best friends." That is something to work on and that kind of love is something that you CAN nurture and develop and it will respond to the work you guys do but you both have to make an effort or else you will grow apart.
You have read a lot about how futile marital therapy is when a person is actively drinking... But your wife is sober now (I gather) - The results may be different for you guys now. The only thing to determine is if she is far enough in her program to handle the stress or challenge of marital therapy. It recommends in the big book, and I have also heard in meetings in general that spouses treat each other cordially while working on their recoveries. Emotional recovery and relationship healing are the next level after a solid foundation is built. Are you guys there yet in your respective recoveries? Both of you? That is something to consider before committing to working on the relationship.
Her sobriety comes first. I know that sounds bad, but without it, you have no wife to have a relationship with. If her recovery (and yours too) are solid enough, then I would progress on getting your dialog going, rebuilding that trust, friendship, and then intimacy will follow.
Years ago I bought a wonderful book called The Love Dare I now purchase them in quantity to give to others. It taught me step by step what to do. Conversely it taught me what I had done wrong. There is a companion movie that was good to watch before following the book titled Fireproof. Step by step instructions are good for me as I started this program with a very thick head.
I think that it is good to set aside time each day for a quick discussion of how things are going in each others lives. A date night each week is something that shows respect and gets a couple out of the house together. Also a short vacation or weekend getaway is a great opportunity to recharge your mutual batteries.
I caution against wanting more from a relationship than someone puts into it.
THANKS for this post. I am absolutely in a similar situation and haven't been able to bring it up at my F2F meetings. Wow. At times I think, why can't we just 'let go' (more me than my AH) but other times, I don't know...it seems SO complicated. Wow--thank you.
if these little things dont help perhaps she would be open to counceling with you . Keep trying ya never know ..