The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Am I allowed to say that in my thread title? I really am struggling with my emotions towards my AH. I get irritated at everything he says. I am totally on edge and I wonder if I love him anymore. It tears me apart to say that and I don't want it to be the end of our marriage but I am really struggling with where we are right now.
He is out of town on business and last night I was just not in the mood to even bother to call him and say goodnight, which is our usual custom. I just texted him and told him I was in a bad place emotionally and that I was just going to bed. He understood and said goodnight. I still don't even want to bother talking to him. I feel like I talk just to fill up dear air on the line, and I talk about stupid stuff: the weather, the dog, the house, boring, boring, boring. And, most of the time I feel like he's disinterested anyway. We argue about all the serious and emotional stuff and I find that I avoid those conversations like the plague right now because I'm just worn out emotionally.
I want our marriage to work. He's making an effort to accept responsibility for the DUI, he has quit drinking, he's spending more time with our son, and yet I don't 'feel' any better towards him. I feel sort of numb. I asked him if we could go out to dinner this week but that was before I knew he was going out of town. I also made him a cute photo album of pictures of us, I think I was trying to conjure up some feeling towards him that isn't there. He's leaving the ball in my court when it comes to renewing our relationship because he says that he knows I am in a bad place emotionally and he figures he'd take my lead as I see fit.
We've never had a truly healthy relationship overall. There were periods of peace, periods of quiet, but mixed in was lots of co-dependency and passive aggressive behavior on both our parts. I am trying very hard to work on myself and take responsibility for me. I am setting boundaries like I've never done before(or at least establishing them mentally at this point). But, I feel very lost and I feel the gap between us widening. Sigh, I don't think I need advice at this point. I think I just needed to vent to people who understand what it feels like to live with insanity and who keep being invited back to crazytown, but would rather live in serenityville.
Giving you a big virtual hug, .. give yourself time. Sending you love and support.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((HUGS)) ILD...sending you support. I can relate to not having any frame of reference for a normal, healthy marriage with your AH. You've been married a long time; give yourself time to decide what you want, and if you stay in your marriage, give yourself even more time to build something you really want.
I have to say that I have observed (as much as one could through this medium) you changing ENORMOUSLY over several months. It is natural for you to be somewhat lost with what you want and how you relate to your husband. This is not just because of the negative things he has done, but also because of the positive work you have done to empower you and redefine yourself.
Whatever this means for you, your relationships, and your future is unknown and I don't want to make any suggestion other than pray and work on the fears. You will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle you. That is one of the promises of AA (and I think it applies to alanon). Answers will come to you, but all you really need to do is live in today and stay connected to your higher power.
Mark
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 22nd of March 2012 11:16:26 AM
What I'm reading in your post is your life is feeling unmanageable and you don't know where to go from there. For me, I had to fire myself as manager and move to step two.
You are living in your head and there are no solutions there. I do this too. Thank God, today I have a fellowship that I can call, I have a sponsor, and I have the Where and When for all the meetings in my area. Those are the things that will direct me to the solution. If I don't take those actions, I remain stuck in my dis-ease. I can't read about it (this includes the internet) I have to experience it, I have to take action.
I realized something when I read your post, my husband had gotten a DUI a long, long time ago, but I had forgotten about it. So I thought about it. I remember it cost a LOT of money and at that time, we barely had two nickels to rub together. Then I thought, wow... it could have been sooo much worse. No lives were harmed, thank you God!!!! (gratitude)
I know this - what I focus on gets BIGGER. I can be living in heaven right now, it just depends on my thoughts. When I begin thinking, "things are okay, but not actually perfect" my emotions begin to spiral. If I keep feeding the thought that things are not perfect, I will start OBSESSING that things should look some other way!! And suddenly, I am in hell. And it all started with my thinking, my emotions always follow my thoughts that I am allowing.
I hope to hear more about your experience with steps two and three, my friend. Please don't allow your disease to lift any more weights today... letting it get stronger and stronger. If you really want to live in serenity-ville, you can choose something else instead. Life never happens to me, it happens for me, it's between the old me and the me I want to become, between me and Higher power.
I realize you didn't ask for advice, this is only a suggestion, an invitation to do something different because what you're doing doesn't feel good. And you deserve to feel good. In my experience, over the years I have watched al-anons stop working the 12 steps and move on to another relationship, only to experience the same thing AGAIN.... "geographical" cures never work.
I am grateful to al-anon for teaching me that I no longer want to hinge my happiness to what anyone else did - does - is or isn't doing. I have learned that when I do that, my happiness is determined by others and I lose personal power. I am convinced that is not what Higher power has in mind.
Take what you like, leave the rest.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
