The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My life for the past 9 months has been in a word exhausting. I've been actively participating in Al-Anon for the past 5 months. I've learned, I've grown, I've most certainly appreciated this board and the program!
A pattern had developed in my marriage. Something would come up about every 2 weeks and my AH would be my AH and I would be upset. Last Monday night I left my house at 10:30 because what started as a rational conversation degenerated when the disease kicked in.
The rest of the week was peaceful. But I couldn't shake the feelings I had. I have choices, I have made the choice not to be a victim or martyr. I know that I can find my own serenity whether or not the A in my life is drinking or not. Yet I also realize that I've made the changes I can make and in order to move forward I can't stay in a situation where I am constantly thinking of leaving.
I've not asked my AH to quit drinking, I stopped asking that when I came to the program. I have asked him to seek counseling for his insecurities and other things that have happened in his life. He had promised to do this back in January but never followed through.
We have worked with a wonderful dog trainer and this has helped with the dog and my AH as well as me. This has been a factor of disagreement and I've had to change my way of doing things with my dog, I appreciate the trainer.
I try to stay positive. I understand that this is important. I have also learned to say what I mean, and not say it mean. I can't say that I have done so well with the mean what I say, because I would continue to go back and I allowed a pattern to repeat.
Sunday I packed. I tried to force a solution, and I went to my parents. I was miserable. However I also understand that this does not have to be the end. Instead I can take this time to work on me, to read, to work my steps, to really focus on my relationship with my HP.
My AH has pursued seeking counseling. He stated that as long as he knows I'm praying I can talk all the time I need. I know that I need to know that I can go 2 weeks without something else happening. I know that I can not continue a pattern where every 2 weeks I leave again. I need to know that this is a marriage where he will follow through on the promises.
I understand that my AH has a disease. I also know my AH. I know that he is capable of making choices on how he treats me. I know that he is capable of being a better man. I know that I'm not being fair to myself to accept less then the promises that he has made me that he will do better.
Because I changed me I've seen change. I know that when I work my program my program works. I know that I need to take time and allow promises to grow legs and be actions.
I don't know what the next 4 weeks hold, for me they will hold a lot of prayer, a lot of reading, a lot of working my program!
Great share and great growth my friend!! You are doing great!! If nothing changes .. it comes right back to nothing changes. My therapist said to me recently .. you know you can be ok in a relationship with an alcoholic the question is do you really want to. I don't know the answer to that so taking time to make those changes is good. It's not just you who has to do the changing either .. again .. if nothing changes then nothing changes. Leave or stay .. that is an answer only you know and you will come to, and you will continued to be supported through alanon and here on the boards.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The question your therapist asked you is the question that has been going round and round in my head probably since I came to Al-Anon. Life is short and precious and not to be taken lightly.
I absolutely loved C2C reading today, it's marked in my book. I'm praying and reading and praying and reading! Oh and also working
Jackie, I can relate to your post very much. I noticed a cycle, too...we tended to have a big incident once a month, maybe 2 at best.
Am 2 weeks separated from my AH, who at his worst was abusive, and pretty much always controlling. I was constantly debating leaving or staying. It is exhausting. When you wrote: my AH would be my AH...I smiled to myself. Gosh, how long did it take to really understand and accept that an alcoholic would act like an alcoholic? Took years for that to sink into my head. But once it did, Pushka's therapist's question became relevant.
For me, I realized that exercising the skills I would need to counteract my AH's impact on my life...well, it would be more than a fulltime job. Could I live that way? Could I live in a marriage where many days it was hard to tolerate being around my spouse? Even if I worked my best program, could I come home to an unhappy and angry controlling man and feel safe? Part of loving myself is giving myself the best conditions in which to thrive.
This helped me, and maybe it would help you. I asked myself, if a magic wand were waved over AH and alcohol addiction was not the driving issue in our marriage, would I be able to ever trust him deeply? If not, could I accept a marriage where I was mistrustful and always a little scared of my husband's potential for abuse and destruction? For me, the answer was no.
Best of luck in your journey.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I can relate, the healthier I got the more I out grew unhealthy people all around me. It was hard and sad, I am now okay and surrounded by a few people who do not treat me unacceptably and I am loving my new life, but change is hard and uncomfortable. You may stay or you may go, but either way you are learning to take care of yourself in the mist or it. Keep up the great work. Awareness and acceptance are hard, but oh so worth it! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Jackie, this decision is not easy but I think you know what you need to do for you. When my husband went to rehab I lived in my friends spare bedroom. I made it my own, my plants, and pictures, and books. It was my safety nest, my sanctuary. I firmly stand that I found God in that room. There is a quote that when you find God you have to do it alone. I know you already have faith in your HP I am just speaking my experience. That room was all mine. I came and went as I pleased, I read, I talked to people who made sense to me at the time, in the program or not and what came from it was absolute loveliness. I was sad at the time but now looking back, its so special to me that time I spent away just with myself and God. I hope you take from this experience what I took from mine. My husband just had his fourth month sober. Our relationship is completely different, though it was never horrible. We talk spiritually more and we are simpler people together. We talk alot and read alot and walk alot... and that is far different from what our lives used to be. I am so happy. I am so happy with the new me. I can actually say I really like myself and I know I have a Higher Power, whom I found in that little room that over looked the roof tops. My closeness with my HP grows daily as I pray and meditate. I owe al-anon for that. I owe people like you who share your ESH with us for that.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
